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Recovering after cheating on my wife
Last November I did some really stupid stuff and ended up becoming more than friends with another girl. And even though I'm married, she & I dated and later on started having sex. My wife found out a few months ago and gave me some time to make up my mind about who I want in my life. (She was only so forgiving because she didn't want to freak out our kids & all, you know.) And I've decided. But I feel so dirty. I don't know how to go back to the love of my life after making such an idiot of myself. How can I even pretend I deserve her. Will counseling help me feel "clean" again? I want to just tear off my skin.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
First off, you won't feel better by tommorrow. You are very lucky to have a wife like yours. People make mistakes. You can change as a person! Therapy can help, in fact, I recommend it!
The best advice I have for you is to throw yourself into your family. Spend time with your wife. Regain your trust with her. Spend time with you kids also. I can't promise life will be exactly the same, but things can become better. MUCH better. XD
Be hard on yourslef but not TOO hard. You are as human. Hope I helped.
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Honestly, for counseling to work, you have to be sincere about wanting to make a change about yourself. You have to give it your all, work out your problems inside, and open up with your partner in every way possible.
For any relationship to work both parties must be able to communicate effectively. Usually marital counseling is suggested when the two people need help on learning to open up with each other about their thoughts/feelings. Again, this is only helpful if the people are sincerely wanting to make a change.
If you're leaving your wife for this other woman then counseling may not help the situation either. Your conscience tells you right from wrong and you are well-aware what you did was in the wrong. Therapy might be able to help you figure out why you have done the things you have done, but it's doubtful that you will actually change unless you make the conscious effort.
This being said, you may never feel clean again. It really varies from person to person and, when it's all said and done, the people who do feel clean again may only feel that way because they have blocked out their conscience that has been screaming at them about the wrong things they are doing. Personally I would never want to block out the part of me that warns me of my own bad doings, but I know many people who have worked to do just that thing.
Many people turn to religion to help them become a new person. They work things out with God and confess to what they have done, asking for forgiveness and wholeness again. Some people start a whole new path this way, letting God lead them in the right directions and stop letting their lustful minds do it; however, you have to be sincere in allowing God to lead your life instead of just claiming such a thing.
For me, only God can truly cleanse your soul--the very thing you dirtied. You are the only one that can let God in to do that.
Just as a last note for you:
Paid users can see your other postings on Advicenators.
This being said, I see that you don't seem very truthful about wanting to be cleansed. Please be honest with us here so we are truly able to help you.
You claimed you and your wife are divorced in the other posting. Ask yourself something very important:
Why do you continue to lie to others?
That is what got you in this mess in the first place--not being truthful to anyone.
Please find the help you need to overcome your issues. I wish you luck on that quest and I pray you will someday feel clean and whole again after you learn from your mistakes.
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Time is key. It's impossible to get over things overnight. You cheated and its over, maybe you still have feelings for this other girl subconsciencely? Counselling could be your answer. Maybe you feel like you haven't told your wife everything you should? Sometimes when you harbor a secret like that for a while, letting it out is best, but sometimes there are parts of that secret you change so the damage may not be as bad compaired to the entire full truth..considered that?
Those wounds will heal, but like I said before: Time.
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