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I don't fit in
20/f
I feel a little old to be asking this sort of question. It's less of a "what do I do?" and more of a "what do you think?" Although, if you have an answer to "what do I do?" please feel free to respond with it.
All my life I've had friends, and friend "groups." My groups are pretty separate - I could never really have every one of my friends hanging out in the same space and not have a few fights break out or general tension in the air. I'm realizing recently that I don't really...fit in...with ANY of my friend "groups." I have a lot of guy friends. They all like girls, working out, and sports...and music, pretty much. I mean, I'm a gym rat and a musician in many ways, but I don't have a membership to their gym, and almost none of them have heard me sing, even though I did some national competitions and am very proud of my voice. Even fewer of my friends have heard me play flute, or have seen my artwork.
I have barely any girl friends, and the few I do have I almost never see.
Typing this out, I almost feel like this is my fault. I'm...not an easy person to get close to. I've trusted one person completely in my life so far, and he let me down in a few different ways. I don't really trust any of my friends, and I can't open up. I've destroyed more than one relationship because of this, and I feel like I'm killing pretty much all my friendships, too. Even people I've known all my life, I can't completely open up to, or be completely comfortable with.
This is just all so messed up.
Feedback, anyone?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Ah, the old Deja Vu. It never fails.
I was exactly like this a few months ago. I was at school and during on of the evenings (I board you see), I had an epiphany which told me that I didn't fit in with the school or my peers. I came to realise that I too was hard to get too, because of my fear of being rejected by those around me and trust me, that was depressing enough itself! After that day, not once did I stop thinking that if I could just go back and change what I did (I was quite, and didn't talk much), it may've turned out differently. I too trusted them, some let me down whilst others kept that trust going till today.
What did I do? I stepped right out of my saftey net during the new term and I began to open up to them and I found to my great surprise that they accepted me for who I was and I even found some new friends whom I never expected to find!!
So this is what may be happening to you: your fear of being rejected by those around you is what is stopping you from the being the person whom you are. You're not somebody whom likes being alone, you're somebody whom loves having people around.
I would adivse that you only have one group of friends to be with at the moment. Becasue having many groups makes you feel as if you've got to live up to those standards which that group sets. This really isn't healthy. Only go for one and stick with that group and give your all and show them whom you really are. If they invite you out, go with them and have the time of your life. Invite them round to your place for dinner or just to go out somewhere. Or just talk to them: little things in the short term, can have big effects in the long term.
Life is way to short and you need to begin to live it too the full.
Good luck with the future,
triquetra
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now that you realize you haven't been opening up, you can change it in baby steps. try asking more to your friends what they're doing, get more involved. or come up with something to do, and invite them to come. take things slow, and stop fretting about not fitting in, we all feel like that sometimes, truthfully you do fit in, or you wouldn't have any friends.
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