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RE: how can i fix the long distance relationship with my bf
Well we are both a member of the same website so we continued our relationship on there and also with phone calls. On the website, I always get private messages from different girls saying my boyfriend is saying sexual things to them. I asked him about it and he said he shares his account with his friend(who is the one that apparently talks to those girls)but I get angry about it because i have doubts, especially because I have never spoken to his friend(s). He always makes smartass comments such as "chatting up any guys on the site today, hows your new boyfriend?", etc...We usually both get angry which causes us to say 'whatever' or something else which makes him hang up all the time.
He and I didn't have sexual relations before he left. In my past relationship with my ex who I really liked, he and I had sexual relations once or twice but I didn't have much choice over it, and so I feel now because of my past experiences that If i don't do anything sexual with my boyfriend, he will say i don't care about them, which is what my ex said all the time and that caused us to break up.
My boyfriend always says he doesn't want me to do anything that makes me feel uncomfortable but he also said since we're doing long distance for a while, its REALLY important that we have sexual conversations over the phone because that's a big way of proving we love each other and we feel that way about each other because we dont have physical contact to prove our love for each other.
I mean, I do have sexual feelings towards him but I cant do the thing he wants me to do EVERY time HE'S feeling that way because I have things to do, and I also need some space from doing it all the time. Sometimes he calls after work and wants me to do it but I cant because dad will walk in, or I have homework, or just I want time to read, rest, etc..he gets offended so easily though.
Also, I am a hypocrite because I get angry at him for doing certain things/saying certain things yet I do it back to him. I cant help it. Right now we're on a break since last night, because I said i need time to think and find out WHY im not talking and why im being a hypocrite...Im afraid I wont find out the answers and he isnt going to talk to me until I finish thinking. he said he wont wait long(longer than 1 week) or even less...
When/if he comes here, I honestly think our problems will end because It will be easier on me and I can breathe a lot more but i still have to keep in mind that he and I need to last until then..If i keep being quiet/a hypocrite, we will drift apart more than we are now. me being quiet is putting a bigger gap between us. so technically, its most my fault..
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STOP BLAMING YOURSELF. Another old saying, "it takes two to tango". So, it is as much (if not more) his fault than it is yours.
Again..SEX IS NOT, I REPEAT NOT LOVE. LOVE IS LOVE. AND TWO PEOPLE THAT LOVE EACH OTHER SOMETIMES DECIDE TO HAVE SEX. BUT TRUE LOVE EXISTS- SEX OR NO SEX! Okay, sorry, I'm yelling at you..just want to make sure you get the point.
I want to let you know, that personally, I abhor when a guy just "hangs up" on me. Fact is, if they do something like that, I will NOT call them back- until they call me. And even then, I may not answer the first time they call back. When a guy does this, he is showing a huge disrespect for you, not only as his girlfriend, but as a person to whom he is supposed to care about!
BIG RED FLAG: Why would he share his account with an "invisible" "friend of his", when accounts like (yahoo chat, myspace, facebook, chat proggys) are SO SO EASY to get???!! Makes completely NO sense whatsoever.
I have to tell ya, and I really do hate passing judgment on those that I have never met (I actually try to refrain from it), but it really sounds to me as he is lying about this!!
He obviously thinks that you are obligated to have phone sex with him, and gets angry when you do not. Which tells me that he is more than likely talking about sex to these other girls, without guilt because he justifies it in his head (unfairly I might add) that he should be able to do it, because you aren't bowing to this whim! The fact that more than one girl has told you this, adds to my suspicion even more than I can express! And I sense that what these girls are telling you is completely true.
Think of it this way, What motive do ALL these other girls have??!! Why would they say it, if it weren't so? On the other hand, he has plenty of selfish motives!
It sounds to me as if you "jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire". This guy knows about your past, and is USING YOUR PAIN AND GUILT TO CONTROL YOUR ACTIONS! *tsk*
Another reason I find him guilty is because he is making accusations against you! I discovered long ago, that most guys that are cheaters act in a certain manner. When they think that you may be getting close to the truth, they will quickly 'turn the tables' on you, and begin to accuse YOU of cheating, among other things (ie. you don't love me, you ignore me, yada yada yada..), so that you will stop your suspicions and begin to concentrate on, not only your need to prove your commitment, but also will drown yourself in thoughts that you 'owe' them something! This is very unhealthy, but common with cheaters.
He obviously knows that your past sexual relationship caused emotional scars, so if he REALLY CARED about how you felt- he wouldn't dare ask you to do ANYTHING UNCOMFORTABLE...including phone sex.
If I may ask: What hypocritical things do you think you are doing? Did YOU, on your very own, decide that you were being hypocritical, or did he accuse you of being so- and then you decided he was right?
Regardless, it sounds as though he is already looking for someone else (and it is very likely that he has already cheated). I say this because he is giving you a "time limit" on how long he will wait. Think about it: IF he cared half as much for you as you do for him, time would not be an issue whatsoever (the "maybe less time" part tells me that he is already looking to find a way to break up, because he already has someone else in mind that is nearer to him-maybe they have even dated!). If he were serious about the commitment you two have, he would allow you to take all the time you need.
AGAIN, not your fault! Don't be a victim!!!
Maybe it's for the best? Long distance relationships are hard enough already! Much less when one of the partners is not nearly as committed as they should be! AND he obviously isn't. Relationships take work: and he's not trying!! Why should you?
I would suggest (but you certainly don't have any obligation to take my advice)..but I would suggest that you two DO break up until he comes back. I personally feel that he is already cheating, if not merely physically, he is MOST DEFINITELY cheating by being intimate with other women. That, too, (and IMHO is worse) is cheating.
If he loves you, he needs to love you with his WHOLE HEART, not just what he can spare in his free time. If you do take my advice, go ahead and date, you don't have to jump into any new relationships right away, but at least give yourself some much needed love.
If, when he comes back, you two are able to patch things up: great! If not, then he didn't really care enough in the first place, and you are wasting your heart, soul and time.
And just because I think you should know, I think this guy might have a sexual addiction problem...are you SURE your his ONLY girlfriend? How well do you REALLY know him? How long did you date before you committed to this long distance relationship?
Hang in there sweetie! and keep in touch,
Blessings!
Jasmine
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