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my best friend & starting fights.
16/f...my best friend lately has been the cause of many arguments and fights between her, myself, and our other best friend (i'll refer to her as A). however, she doesn't realize this. instead she explains to me that, i don't ever stand up for myself and say anything to A.
for example, we have been off from school this whole past week, and it was suggested that we go to the mall on thursday, which i didn't know about (i had thought they suggested friday). so yesterday evening i go online, and my best friend is online (not A) and seems in a really bad mood when i start talking to her. she explains to me that A didn't call or text her all day about hanging out and never follows through with her plans and is mad. at first when A IMs her, my other friend does not respond to her. when she does, she mentions something about how she thought we were going to go to the mall. (A had actually gone to the mall with her sister)
so A is just like oh, whatever. which my other friend interprets as bitchy and starts going off on a rant (meanwhile, A is telling everything she is saying to me) and my other best friend is telling what A is saying to me also. so i'm stuck in the middle. which usually always happens.
apparently A must've exaggerated when telling the stuff my other friend said to me (and my other friend tells me later) so i said to my other best friend something like. omg this is so stupid, i don't want to get in a fight. (because i knew how my best friend gets, she's really like stubborn and defensive kinda, and won't give up until she gets her point across)
well then she like got all weird with me, and signed off, and i didn't speak to her until earlier today. i IMed her first, hoping she'd forgot what happened or got over it since it wasn't a big deal in the first place (that is what i thought anyway) and she was like, what are you just going to pretend like nothing happened? and since she always says i don't stand up for myself, i had to defend myself, and we got into this whole like debate. basically she is mad at me because i talked behind both her and A's back. which i didn't. all of us were exchanging to each other what they were telling each other. and she says it was alright because she actually tells A what she says behind her back. which may be true like 50% of the time, but still.
i have talked about her behind her back, but i'm sure they do the same about me. i'd rather not say anything, then do say something and risk my friendship with both of them. the 3 of us have been best friends since like elementary school. they're like sisters to me practically, and i can be my complete self with them. i don't know where i would be without them. but i don't understand why the one has to be so... aggressive or something. there's a difference between speaking your mind to get a point across and speaking your mind but in a process hurting other's feelings/starting fights. and then she said she was mad at me for accusing her of starting a fight. yet she accused ME of talking behind her back?
i'm just confused. was it wrong for me to "talk behind her back"? that is a very hypocritical statement for her to say. if i continue to talk to her about this, i know i won't win, and the only way to end the fight is to probably just say i'm sorry, or just not speak to her until i see her in school. but i don't even know what i'd be apologizing for. what should i do? i have the IM conversation, if this was hard to understand, give me your email or something and i will send it to you. it would probably make more sense. thank you for reading all of this if you did. sorry it was so long. thank you in advance!
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
First of all: You need to stop talking behind your friend's back. It doesn't matter if they do the same or worse, it's really complicates thing. Believe me, I almost lost all my friends just by talking behind their backs about things that are 1000x worse than talking about people.
Second of all: I'm totally on your side with this. You want to defend yourself, but at the same time you don't want to, right? Tell your friend (the one that's not A, can we call her B?): "Okay, B, I don't want to fight. I really don't. But it's just that I don't see how what A did to you is such a big deal. You're acting like she stole money from you or something! And I know I talk behind people's back, I'm sorry for that, but I'm not sorry for telling you that you start fights. Because that's true. I'm not going to stop talking behind all your backs if you guys don't learn how to get along. Seriously, all A did was break plans? What's the problem? And I'm really tired of you guys trying to make me choose a side okay. If I want to pretend nothing is happening, it's because I don't want to take a side. Why is that so much to ask for? It's not like taking a side will help. It'll make it worse. I'm trying to keep you guys as friends but you two are making it really hard. Especially you, B! Okay, I'm really sick and tired of standing and just taking everything, and not standing up for myself. I've done that way too much and it's not working. We;ve been BFFs so long and you're starting this shit to risk losing that friendship over plans to go to the mall? How overdramatic is that? Much! Okay, I'm really trying not to lose my temper but you're pushing it. It's not a big deal. I was never part of the fight anyway, so why do I have to choose which sides? Truthfully I think both of you are wrong and need to get over yourselves! You're pushing me into fighting when I don't want to like your drafting me in to World War 3 or something! That's unfair, you know that?"
PLEASE stand up for yourself! You seem like a good friend and it really sounds like these two friends don't deserve you at all! <--- Tell them someone said that about you! Say what I told you to say, or take it and make it sweeter or nastier, it doesn't matter, just say something like it! Really, I wish I can just come and slap them for you, they're being really selfish.
I REALLY hope you can make it
-Jenni C ♥
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I had the exact same problem with one of my friends. I had been best friends with a girl for almost my entire life, but she was a very manipulative person, just like A seems to be. My advice is that you first appologize for talking behind their backs and admit that we all make mistakes sometimes. You should try to litterally stop doing that right now to prevent future problems. Next, I think you should tell A that you don't appreciate her dragging you into her problems, because you always end up in the middle of it, which isn't fair. But to tell you the truth, people like her never really change, and I know it seems impossible at first, but I suggest you stop being friends with her. You don't need someone like that who is always starting problems and causing you misery. It may take a while, for me it took years, but you have to distance yourself from her. When you look back, you'll realize that type of relationship was unhealthy, and that you really didn't need her. Hope I helped, and good luck.
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