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My family, cutting, and help
hi im the girl who asked you about how to get help for cutting. well i can't tell my parents because they would just think im even more spoiled than before. im the oldest of 4 and i know they love me and are good parents but they think im irresponcible at home with like cleaning my room, and doing chores, and getting hw done. they dont think im good enough. i get mostly A's and a couple B's but i dont study enough. i want to do better but i have no motivation and whenever im done trying to talk to my mom im so upset i want to go and cut. thats how i started a couple weeks ago. my friend said if i cant stop this week and not cut at all then i have to tell my parents but that scares the heck out of me. thats probably why i didnt cut myself like 20 minutes ago after my mom and i had a fight and she told me i wasnt good enough. i always make excuses. i know what she says is right but i fell like i CANT do anything about it. i want to be the daughter they want and hope for and i get so mad that im not. that i know they are wishing for a better daughter. please dont say anything about how they dont mean that or it isnt right for them to say cause its all true. what hurt the most is wknowing they wish for a better daughter and that she said i wont end up going to college or they will have to pay a lot cause of my 'mediocre' grades. i get so mad! what should i do!? i dont want to be the problem teen anymore and they already dont trust me much with like doing stuff when they tell me and that. they would make me move upstairs (my badroom is in the basement) and think im even more spoiled than before. thats why i cant tell them. thanks
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
I first want to say I typed this reply in Microsoft word first and then pasted it here so if there are any funky characters, I apologize.
I appreciate more background information on your family situation. It actually gives me at least a little relief to see you write the line that “I know they love me and are good parents”.
This may be a bit long but I want to ask you a few questions that you don’t have to respond to me… but I want you to think about them for your own self and personal growth. I have no idea what your age is so if some of this seems a little odd, I am trying not to talk to you as if you are 13 (very young) or 20 (older). I am attempting something in between.
You mentioned you are the eldest of 4. That means your parents are experiencing EVERYTHING for the first time with YOU. There is probably very little if ANYTHING that your parents have not been through with your siblings. You were the first to walk, talk, ride a bike, go to school, drive, go on a date, go to sleep overs… etc. They had to experience all of these things for the first time with you. As your siblings have come along it had all been done! They knew how to handle it all. That also means that when it comes to being responsible, whether it is right or wrong, you are held at a higher level. Your LITTLE siblings have a messy room… YOU should know better. (I’m not saying I feel this way… I am basically putting words into your parent’s mouths right now).
You said yourself you don’t study enough and you have no motivation. Do you know why? You should think about this. If it is because you feel you will never be good enough in your parent’s eyes, try being good enough in your own. If you feel yourself that you have no motivation, figure out why and then try to change. If you are a teen, probably between 14 and 17 you might actually be going through a depression. Not necessarily a deep enough depression that requires therapy and medication… but ALL teens go through it. It is hormonal. It won’t resolve until you are closer to 20 but it doesn’t have to get worse! You can work through it with your friends and family (but your family has to KNOW about it to help you work through it). If you have no motivation for another reason you should try to figure this out.
Another thing you said is that you recently had a fight with your mom and she told you you aren’t good enough. Good enough for what? You are good enough to have friends. You are good enough to get A’s and B’s in school. You may even be in a club or sport that you are pretty good at. Your parents love you so you are “good enough” for their love. People occasionally say things in the heat of a battle that they either don’t mean, should have worded differently, or regret. I recently had a little argument with my 4 year old… afterwards I cried myself into a headache in my room because I so regretted the argument. I felt as if I hated myself afterwards. I don’t know that your mom does this, but it may be that she feels as bad about your arguments as you and perhaps doesn’t know how to come to you and say she is sorry. Obviously your fighting upsets YOU because you get so angry you have cut yourself!!! She is probably upset too. It seems to me that you two need to open your line of communication up more. You both have something to say but are more interested in SAYING it than HEARING what the other is saying. I have some things I would suggest to your mother if I had her in a session but since I only have communications with YOU, I will give the suggestions I have for you.
My first suggestion is to go to her at a very calm time. Possibly in the evening if she is sitting down reading, or in the car on a little drive somewhere, just the two of you. Don’t do it when she is busy fixing dinner, needing to get somewhere to pick up a sibling, running late to a meeting, etc. Pick a nice quite time you can have some privacy. It may also be helpful to have something to fidget with because it is easier to open up if you are not making eye contact. Lots of times more is shared in the car than anywhere else because there is little to no eye contact being made. Then, being as polite as you can, knock on the door, say excuse me, whatever the occasion calls for. Then gently say “Mom, I am having a problem that I really need to talk to you about. This is something very difficult for me. I would appreciate it if I could get your help and advice”. Hopefully she will be receptive to this. Then just be completely open and honest with her. Tell her you have been feeling really stressed out about how much you argue lately. Tell her you really WANT to be a better student and you will actually start putting some effort into it. Tell her you love her so much that it is important to you that she is proud of you. Then tell her you have been hurting yourself, “Lately I have been handling stress in a bad way and I need your help to stop. A couple of times I have actually used a ----- (whatever you use) and cut myself. I know how harmful this is and my friends have encouraged me to stop and to talk to you about it, and that is what I am doing now”.
A second suggestion would be to write out what you need to say and give her the letter. Sit there while she reads it. I am an adult and I had to do this myself recently. I was brought up to respect my father. He never hit me or anything but I always knew not to push him too far because he meant what he said. I still feel this as an adult. We recently had a close call (death wise) in our family and I felt my father behaved inappropriately about a few things. I needed to tell him for the health of our family connections. Remember, I believe family comes first no matter what and communication is 100% essential to this. I knew if I started talking to him about it, I would “chicken out” and probably start crying my eyes out. This was in October and I am nearly 30!!! So it isn’t just kids I give this advice to! The letter worked out REALLY well because I got to say everything I needed to but didn’t have to get all emotional and forget half of what I needed to say.
I think you will find if you open up this line of communication with her… it will be the most scary thing you have done in a long time… but the end result will be fantastic. The two of you may end up having a brand new relationship that is so strong and you will look back and realize you should have talked to her like this a long time ago.
My hope is that you will follow through with this. Part of your stress is that you HAVEN’T told your parents. This is a problem with most secrets. They eat at you until you finally talk. Once you do, you find that what you EXPECTED to happen, rarely does. What is the worst that could happen? You already fight a lot and then you end up cutting yourself because of your stress. That’s not good. If you get moved upstairs, is that really so bad? I mean, you now don’t have to face your cutting problem alone, you have one less secret from your parents, and I do not believe for a second that they will be disappointed in you over this. If my child (I have 2, and 1 on the way) came to me and said “mom, I am cutting myself”, I would NOT be disappointed. I would be so concerned. My first instinct would be to hold my “baby”, tell him (so far I have 2 sons) everything would be okay, and I would do ANYTHING it took to help him. There is nothing on earth stronger than a parents love. You will not understand this until you have kids. I have only been a parent for 4 years and I didn’t realize how deeply one person could care for another until my first was born. Your parents would die for you… I almost guarantee that!!! This news isn’t going to make them “happy” but they WANT to know. They need to know what is going on in their baby’s mind and the only way to find out is if you open yourself up to them.
I hope I haven’t bored you to tears or you stopped reading altogether. I like to be as complete as possible. This is real emotion and relationships we are talking about and I believe in the family unit. One paragraph is not going to do anyone any good. If I had your mom on here I would tell her she needs to stop her arguing and be the one to figure out why there is friction. I can’t tell her that and therefore cannot expect her to comply. But I CAN tell you since you are here that you need to step up to the plate and open yourself up to your parents. Somewhere along the line you three stopped talking and that is not healthy. Since I can’t tell this to your parents, I am telling you… you be the one to change this. I truly believe you will be much happier when you do.
I wish you the best of luck with this. If you have any other issues feel free to write me more at Advicenators or my advice e-mail address which is:
family_first0001@yahoo.com
I hope things go well for you and I hope even more that as scary as it is, you tell your mom. Let her handle dad if you want. OR tell Dad and let Dad tell Mom… what ever is your preference. Tell them both together. Just please tell them. This is your life and you are important.
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