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Cutting Con't :)
Hi, its me ocne again haha. btw my name is Haley i dont know why but it just seems right for you to know my name since i keep saying its me again! haha Well one of my best friends used to cut and she is so strong cause she already went through this and understands the struggle and has found a strong relationship with God through this. I have a small group of extremely close friends and we are all like a little family. i can tell them anything and they will understand and hug me and tell me its ok. Well one of the girls is named Ashley and on Sunday she is gonna be at youth group along with my other friends. I wanted to tell her then just so sumone could know and help support me (cause she also goes to my school but shes a junior and im a freshman so we dont have classes together just lunch) i really want to tell her but for sum reason im not sure if i should. do you think i should?
And yeah i guess cutting is comforting like knowing that i have cuts that represents my problems makes me almost happy. lately i havent needed to cut and yesterday i wanted to but said haley wait and i cried instead and then thought "do you really want another cut to try and hide and worrry about. another cut scarring your body?" so i didnt and watched a really good movie instead.
its just so hard cause with moving the pain wont just go away its there until i move. and with my Zach (boy i want to date who loves me) we are best friends to begin with and i dont want to leave him! i wont see him for years possibly. though my friend said i have to come visit during summers :) but now he probably wont want to date me because we wont want to get hurt more. he tends to close up but with me i hope he wants to spend more time with me cause i want to spend as much time with him as i can. he works at a christian youth help center helping kids with addictions and stuff but i am so afraid to tell him because i thought about it. but he might think there was sumthing wrong with me! or at least not want to date me or be close because of my cutting and like needing help or sumthing like that. i dont actually know but i dont think i can tell him. i want to tell my friend ashley though like i said before.
and with my parents i am always getting in trouble or being disrespectful and i try not to but sumtimes my mom just wont listen! i feel like they are so strict sumtimes! they wont listen to me either which makes me SO much more mad at them. i cant try talking to my mom about listening to me cause it wont work, trust me i have tried. but after arguing with her all my anger and rage comes out. cutting brings relief and makes the feeling go away at least sum what. i keep an online private journal but it doesnt really help as much because i still feel mad afterwards. this actually makes it go away. because then i focus on sumthing else and then sumhow it goes away and then im better. i guess.
but i've been trying not to and crying feels good sumtimes. i just think about how much more worried i would be if i had another cut. and i hate having to wear long sleeves always and stressing about it. i am going to tell them i cut it when i tripped and fell into our kitchen table but that sounds pretty dumb to me.
as always thanks for your amazing advice!!! :)
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Hi Haley,
First, I am really sorry that it took me so long to reply to your message! I have a really big test, debate, and tutoring job that I am preparing for tomorrow, so I have had a lot to do this week.
I think it is really great that you have a good support system. If you have one person that you feel you can tell anything to, you are certainly very fortunate. As for telling Ashley, think about it with your mind, not just what you would like to do. Is she the type of person that would accept this and try to help you? It is sad to say, but some people are scared off by self-injury because of the many stereotypes that society has. If you feel that she would take it well, then I would say go for it. You need someone who you can trust and support you through this. That is one of the best ways to overcome it.
Be proud of yourself for not allowing yourself to cut. It is definitely a step in the right direction and it is often very hard for the first time. But it does get easier as time goes on because eventually the brain stop associating pain with relief. Just keep at it and you will overcome this, I'm sure. =]
It is very hard to move and leave a friend behind, especially when there is romance involved. Zach sounds like a very nice boy if he helps people with addictions. He doesn't sound like the type of person who wouldn't want to be close to you for that reason. If he is devoting some of his time to help strangers with their problems, it isn't likely that he wouldn't be able to help a close friend.
As for whether or not to date him, it really depends on you (and him). Some people like to date, even if they know the relationship won't work out or will have to end soon, like when you move. They don't mind the hurt so much at the end because they got so much enjoyment out of it while they were dating. But most people wouldn't want to set themselves up for heartbreak. If this is you, there is a higher chance that things could be awkward if you break up after you move. And if you don't break up, well, you know about long distance relationships and how well they work. ;)
When you are a teenager, sometimes communicating with parents is difficult. Since you have tried just talking to your mom, maybe you could try a different approach, something that will touch her heart. Did you have a good relationship with her when you were little? Did she bake cookies with you, take you to the park, teach you how to do something, etc.? Maybe you could write a nice letter to her about that, acknowledging that your relationship isn't the best, and that you really miss the way it used to be. Take your time and make it special. Put your feelings into it, but don't be accusing. You might even want to attach a gift to it. For example, if you and your mom used to bake cookies together, maybe you could bake some yourself and give them to her, or make an invitation to make them with you again sometime (like those gift coupons that say "one free hug" or something like that).
In your online journal, get your feelings out, but maybe at the end you could add something positive. Like "Although I was really hurt by this experience, I really learned a lot about how much things affect people. It is in a way a good thing that it happened because I am a much better person for having gone through it." Eventually, you may feel better about your troubles. Remember, the greater the conflict the greater the triumph.
Crying is good. It isn't a good idea to suppress your tears, unless you are in public and don't want people to see you. But other than that, if you feel like crying, cry! It has been proven that it makes you feel better.
How big are your cuts, and about how many do you have? Chances are, if only one or two are able to be seen, no one ask you about them.
Hannah =]
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