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shortcomings in a long distance relationship
My question is really long, so I will thank you in advance for taking the time to read it.
The history: I went on a study abroad to Argentina my senior year in high school. I moved in with a single mother and her only daughter for my six month stay. I almost immediately fell for my host sister, as wrong as that may sound, but I held off my emotions as long as possible. It was one of the best moments in my life when, after a month of waiting, the same girl sat me down to tell me that she felt the same about me. We told her mom, and her mom was fine with it as long as we showed that we could be responsible. It ended up that our relationship went from great, to better, to complete bliss. Then, as we both knew from the first day, I had to go home. After six months with her, five of them in a relationship. I had to say goodbye. I never imagined how hard it would be. I have had relationships before, really felt emotionally attached to girls before, even thought I was in love before, but no break up ever made me feel as utterly helpless as I did stepping onto that plane. After returning I expected things to get better. They haven't. I call every week. I send emails like it's going out of style, and I bug all of my friends to death by relating some instance of my life to something that happened with her. Now that you know the story, I will get to the question.
Is it possible to keep this going? If so, is it worth it? Every time I call her and she doesn't sound very excited about my call, I'm sure she's forgetting me. When she puts a picture of her standing next to another guy on the Spanish version of Facebook, I wonder if that could be my replacement. I started at a large university when I got back, and I have been meeting a lot of girls and going on a lot of dates, but something just seems wrong. Almost like I want to say, "you're really great, but you just won't ever compare to Noelia." What should I do. How can I manage to doubts, the pain, the financial burden of buying phone cards and saving for a plane ticket? It's been the longest 5 months of my life, and can I really keep it up for another 4 years?
I'm sorry I gave the huge story first. I'm a columnist myself though, and I frequently find myself at a loss for words due to questions that just don't provide enough info. I really appreciate this. I browsed columnists for almost an hour before I decided to send my question to you. ;)
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I first want to thank you sincerely for looking so hard for a columnist and then chosing me. I really appreciate that. And thank you for the story. It REALLY helps to have such background information to give appropriate advice.
I have been contemplating your situation all day. Believe it or not, I have been in your exact situation! Mine was divided into two different situations though. When I was a junior in high school I was dating an exchange student from Ecuador. We knew he was going back but never really thought about it until he only had about 3 or 4 weeks left. Then we got really depressed and at the airport, I thought I was watching my "everything" get on a plane for the far end of the earth. I spent a tremendous amount of time in "mourning" over him. My second situation was about 2 1/2 years later I spent some time in New York and met a man. We completely fell in love. Eventually I had to come home. It was dreadful. We called and e-mailed constantly, did all the things you said you are doing. It was five months before I would see him again.
Your situation is different in that you come from VERY far distances.
If the two of you BOTH want to keep up the relationship, it can work. What you need to keep in mind though, is that any relationship that is worth keeping is VERY hard work. Now you are talking about a distance relationship, and not just from New York to Illinois, for example but from the United States to Argentina. There are a lot of cultural differences as well as temptations for both of you. What you need to do is discuss with her if she could see the two of you getting married in a few years, four or five. That is a long time to project on something like marriage, especially since there are going to be few, if ANY visits for the two of you in the between time. So many things can happen in four or five years.
Something that concerns me is that you see pictures of her with other guys and she doesn't sound so excited about getting a call from you. You need to find out how she is feeling. If she is moving on then this is really a non issue.
If you feel anything like I did when I was away from my second guy, you are probably the most miserable now than you have ever been, or possibly ever will be. Love can seem so evil at times the way it can make us hurt. I know how you miss her.
The reality is... and I hate like everything to say this but... you probably just need to take some time. First of all find out exactly how she feels as I mentioned above. Find out if she wants to wait for you. Find out if marriage is in her thoughts. Find out if she is dating other guys. Depending on these answers... you may need to start the mourning process. Focus on school this year. Don't worry about dating or relationships. When you are ready, then try dating again. I can tell you that even after I met guy #2 I still thought about the one from Ecuador. I still do occasionally and it was over a decade ago!!! This pain though, it does fade. No one wants to hear that, especially if you are still in the point of your mourning when you truly believe something could happen in your future.
You said you have been on dates but none of them have compared to Noelia. Probably not. You are in love. Don't give up on love though. You may never meet a girl who makes you feel like she does but that is OK. You may meet one who you fall in love with, but it will feel different. Isn't that a good thing? I mean, if you should someday get married to another woman, would you want to have to explain to her that you love her "almost as much" as you loved another woman years before?
I can't give you an answer on what is best for you. I can tell you that, as much as it hurts me to tell you this, long distance relationships do sometimes work... but this is not common. Especially if you two can't eliminate the distance fairly soon. If it doesn't end up working out with Noelia just remember the irritating cliche about time. Time heals all wounds. It really does. My mother died three years ago. I miss her terribly, would love to have her back, and think about her ALL the time. But the pain is easing up. It is easier to talk about her and remember stories about her. This pain you are feeling now will eventually start to ease. But until it does, go with it. It is natural and healthy to mourn, even the break up of a good relationship!! Don't force yourself to date until you feel like you WANT to, otherwise you are waisting your time as well as the girl you go on the date with. BUT!!! That is not to say that if you are feeling sorry for yourself someday and a nice girl comes up and offers a penny for your thoughts that you should turn her away. You never know... that could be the start of something you never thought would happen again!!!
Love is aweful isn't it?? I mean, it can be the greatest thing ever or make you feel completely ruined.
I am sorry if you spent so much time looking for the right columnist and then didn't end up getting the answer or advice you needed. I just can't give you a quick, simple answer. I can only tell you that while long distance relationships usually don't work, it is still possible. But if it doesn't, you will be okay. You will love again. And I hope, really hope, that you are able to get what you want. You seem like you are genuine and a devoted person to be with. Any girl would be lucky to find you.
I wish you the absolute best of luck.
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