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How to get over having screwed it up
Its so much fun, being overly self critical. If you are this type of person, your response is what I'm looking for.
So, I just went through a bad breakup. My girlfriend (almost fiance) was incredibly immature. She had needs that I was not fufilling or being talked to about. She broke up with me because "I was never going to take care of her"
She was and is incredibly selfish. But right now, the needs she had were needs I could have handled without a problem. In the future, that probably wouldnt have been the case, but right now I'm hating myself because I could have made her happy, and I didnt, and she left me. And all I ever got when I tried to work on us were lies or silence.
How do you stop hating yourself? Im a logical person. I can tell myself that I shouldnt hate myself for not being enough for someone who was immature and self centered, who preferred to be comfy instead of even bringing up relationship issues. I know that I worked to save and to maintain it and she did not.
And yet, all this logic does nothing for me. I still feel like a heel and I still feel like a failure. Because she decided to abandon college and me and run back to the safety of mommy's pocket book when she found out what its like to live truly supporting yourself.
How do you deal with your own screwed up head and stop yourself from feeling worthless because someone else is a terrible person?
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Time, and constant vigilance.
It's really not a 'type of person' problem. Damn near everyone does this. Rather then accepting the rational and factual explanation for what happened, their mind creates the most negative and emotionally charged (read: interesting) explanation and sticks to that.
Scroll through the questions on advicenators: Complete virgins think they have somehow caught as STD when that is next to impossible. The only logical explanation for being moody is bi-polar disorder and under no conditions will they ASK their mother/go to a doctor/or tell them that they like them because that could ONLY make things worse.
The brain can be a wonderful little self-defeating mechanism when it doesn’t WANT the right answer.
The only way to deal with it is to give it time (for the emotional impact to reduce a bit) and to be constantly aware and battling the irrational thoughts.
When you catch yourself thinking "I've failed" the response is "No. I have not failed. I'm successfully living an adult life. She wasn't able to do the same." If the trouble is "I'm worthless." the response is "I am very worthy. She decided I was worthless to her because she is selfish and narrow-minded. That has to do with her being a fool, it's doesn't reflect on me."
When a relationship ends, especially when it ends badly, you are going to feel bad. Period. You are going to be down on yourself. I don't think there is any escaping that. What is important is that you actively work through it and not wallow in these feelings and thoughts.
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