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Sex vs hand/blowjobs, and some other stuff
I'm 22F, and I've been having sex with my boyfriend of several months for about a fortnight. Unfortunately the sex has been a little rocky because he is very jealous about my past. I believe this is an ego thing - I have been with 3 other guys, he has been with around 20 other girls, yet he is the jealous one - go figure!
Anyway, the way he likes to do things in bed is weirding me out a bit, and I was wondering if any of you can tell me if I'm just inexperienced and this is "normal" or if I'm right to feel this way.
The sex starts pretty normally, kissing and foreplay. He tends to put my hands on his penis - I'm a bit shy - and it goes from there. He likes giving me oral sex, and I, him. Then the actual sex starts, and things seem to go downhill. He is the first person I've been with who doesn't seem to want me to *do* anything during sex (is this usual?). Despite his experience and apparent confidence, he has problems holding on (which I suppose is a compliment?). He can go for about 30 seconds to a minute before he has to pull out, breath for a bit, then go again. I try to be supportive and show that I don't mind, but secretly, I find it frustrating. During the sex, he won't look me in the eyes (he never has problems holding eye contact normally). Usually he comes after about 5 minutes, with no warning. The only reason I know that he's come is because he stops pumping (sorry, this is getting graphic!!) and he never shows any pleasure from orgasm.
We usually go through this about three times a night, each session as short. He usually initiates sex but I never refuse - I want to try and make it work. Sometimes (often the third time) he won't come from sex - instead he pulls out, then puts my hand on his penis, or asks for a blow job to finish him off. This is the bit I REALLY don't understand. I thought sex was supposed to be way more pleasurable for guys than blowjobs or handjobs - why does he suddenly want these instead of sex? I don't mind giving him a blowjob (I want him to be happy), but obviously I get nothing sexual out of it, so that's the end of any pleasure for me.
Also, I have never been able to orgasm from sex (or any stimulation that doesn't involve a vibrator, actually), and I told him this at the start of our sexual relationship. This was a mistake, I think, because he doesn't even try with me, or see that I'm quite sexually frustrated. So he gets to orgasm 3, 4, 5 times a day, and I never get to, and he doesn't seem to care....
SIGH! Any comments would be appreciated!
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Well I can clear up at least one part of this for you. As a huge generalization, physiologically and emotionally vaginal sex is the most satisfying for a male. However many guys (just like a lot of girls) find oral sex achieves orgasm quickest. Your guy likely knows, after a few rounds, oral sex is a change in the type of sensation and is likely a bit more forceful, and will help him reach orgasm quickest.
So if that comes up again in your life with another partner, don't worry about it. It's not the part of this exchange that should REALLY be setting off alarm bells in your head.
Here's the parts that should worry you:
He is deeply selfish in bed and refuses to even acknowledge, let alone address you sexual needs.
Although you seem to have a taken a moment to express your needs and pleasures to him, you seem to be completely in the dark about his. How did that happen? Has he never told you ANYTHING about what he likes? Not even as you shared what you need?
For some reason his behavior is highly mechanical which leaves you feeling like he is not connecting with you as a person during sex. It sounds like you feel like little more then a prop. That CANNOT continue.
STOP fucking this guy until the two of you have a very serious, very long, conversation, during which he needs to do most of the talking. Make a laundry list of questions for him, and try to get the answers you need AND a marked change in his behavior. Try to make your questions as gentle and as non-confrontational as possible. It's quite likely he will get a bit upset during this conversation, but whatever you do, don't let this pattern continue.
If you express your problems to him, and then starting sleeping with him again and nothing changes, nothing ever will. This will destroy your relationship if left untreated; if he truly resistant to change let him know that too.
It's not the not-so-great-sex that will kill you; it's the frustration, the rejection, the feelings of being used and neglected that will do it.
Do not let this continue one moment longer.
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Damn girl looks like all he wants is for HIM to get the pleasure and he doesn't care about you. He's being self-centered & rude. Tell him how you feel. Obviously you've been doing so much for him and having sex whenever he wants to but tell him YOU want pleasure too. Ask if you can try sex a different way and tell him the way it feels good for YOU. If he won't care then leave the bitch. Haha.
You gotta tell him. If I was telling him I would say "when scientists discover the CENTER of the world, don't be surprised when it isn't you." Haha, you probably get that but maybe if you said that to him jokingly he might get that there's a problem. Next time he wants sex, tell him what YOU want, and how YOU want to be pleasured. Be firm and let him know it's bothering you or it will never change.
=) Peace, love, Candace.
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