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this boy has been in my life for over 2 years
I love this boy we'll call him "L". Well I dated him off and on for a year. He meant a whole lot to me and still does. I'm 15, I'll be 16 soon, and he's 16, 17 soon. I've known L for over 2 years and we've always had a "thing" for each other. After we seriously broke up from our year relationship, I was devastated. We needed it though, and while I was away from him I gained a lot of self confidence. It seems like he did the opposite. He's started to go down hill. We didn't talk for 4 months, and we have just recently started talking again. I miss him so much, and I want to help him get his stuff back together. More than anything, I want him to pull himself back together, and I want to help because I want him to know I'm here for him. I can't tell him this cause I'm scared he'll be scared away. Lately, I've also had the urge to have sex with him. I don't know why cause I haven't done anything with him since we broke up, and I'm a virgin and so is he. I've always thought he would be my first, because he is the first guy I've ever felt this connection with. I know all the pros and cons, I've evaluated it thoroughly and I know it's probably more of a bad idea, but I can't help but want it. He seems kind of interested in me, because he'll call me first and come see me when I want him to. I just don't really know what to do. Please help mee!! Thank you!
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
First of all let me say that the advice below is excellent!
I think the most important thing for 'L' is to be his friend. Praise him for the good things he does and encourage him to try new things/meet new people.
Tell him that we learn by our mistakes and should never regret anything as every mistake/failure/success makes us the individuals we are.
Moving on to the urge that you have to have sex with him. It may be that as you have previously been in a realtionship with him that you feel it would be "safe" to enter into a physical relationship with him.
Unfortunately, going down this route could in fact be very wrong for both of you. It may exaccerbate his self confidence issues and/or leave you feeling used if he does become more confident and decide that he wants a relationship with someone else.
When the time is right you will meet the person to lose your virginity to. This is not a decision to be taken lightly (as I think you are already aware). You should wait until you are in a longterm, secure and happy relationship with someone who is ready to take this step with you.
From my experience, girls who have rushed in because of their urges now regret it. I waited until I was in a loving relationship (which on reflection ended around nine months later) however, I do not regret it.
Take your time and be 100% sure before you take this next step.
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Hi honey,
Here is how I see your dilema. YOu say that while you two were separated, you gained some self confidence and he did not. In fact, you said, he seems to be going backwards. This is important. While I understand your desire to help him gain more confidence in himself. It is hard for someone who is emotionally involved to do this. He is supposed to be gaining confidence in himself from his parents and home situation, regardless of what is love life is like. I hope you can understand this, because it is true. If we as humans, only gained self confidence from being in a rewarding relationship....well, you can imagine, most of us would be basket cases.
Our parents are supposed to be doing all the right things as the right ages to help us gain maturity and self confidence. It is their job, but too many of them leave parenting to chance, or some even do things that make their children worse. (as you can well imagine) So, in order to help L, (in my opinion) you need to remain emtionally unattached from him, yet be 'there' for him, and help him gain more confidence in himself. He needs to love himself. He can do that if he thinks he is valuable, as a human (not as just a lover) So can encourage him. Praise him. Give him positive feedback. the more he gets, the more likely he is to try new things or take chances and not be afraid to fail. Because it is by our mistakes that we learn how to do it better next time. That is one way we gain confidence.
I don't think this is the answer you were looking for, but I could have just told you to 'go for it'. But my experience allows me to see down the road, and it would not have had the results that you were hoping for. Good luck to you.
Michele
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