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SO Many Issues
Okay, this is VERY long, and I'm sorry. But I really need some advice, and maybe just some way to have people listen to me.
I'm 16 and live in Canada
When I was about 8, My parents divorced, which ment i would have to move from a small town into a large city. on top of that, my best, and only friend "H" Moved from there to another province very far away. I was really messed up. by age ten i was cutting, but i was always a smart kid, so i did it on placed nobody would see. I never saw "H" for 8 years, but We kept in contact, MSn, Phone, all that sort of stuff. and I missed out on So much. her sweet 16. all her hard breakups. we never had nights of crashing on each others couchs, throwing food into each others mouths. and I always felt like "I should be there, this is'nt fair!" But our friendship Did grow, because of it's trials, and eventually I stopped cutting. Now, I'm sixteen. I serve as the "advice man" for my group of friends. So to me, That means i'm not allowed to cry, or want to be held or loved, I just need to give to them,and help them. because if I'm weak. Then they can't depend on me anymore, I'm not strong enough, and they need me to be there. Cause alot of them have some REAL issues. But that means when I need help, or need to cry. I have noone, and i feel weak doing it. like i failed them all. Last fall, i tried to kill Myself. Over dosed on Pain Killers. one of my friends came to the hospital, left saying "i'm hungry, don't wanna stay here" and another(the only one who came and stayed) talked about her weekend and how her neck hurt, without really seeming to notice that i had just tried to end my life. she said she knew i was'nt oaky that day.. adn i wondered 'well, if you knew everything was'nt okay, why did you leave me alone?"
One of my friends has a drug problem and severe depression.she calls me her guardian angel because of all i do for her. yet often, when I try to help, she just goes back into it, because she wanted to try a new drug. as if nothing i did for her had mattered.
As a birthday gift, my dad bought my tickets to go see "H" and i spent a week there. i had a great time. but H has had a rough life. after she moved, she developed a strong distaste for human physical contact. while I, growing up afraid of losing the things I cared for, grew to show my care for them through alot of physical contact. so while i was there, I made her a bit uncomfortable(unintentionally), and i'm really afraid I hurt her enough that she does'nt want me to come again. I wish I could let her know I never did anything trying to her her, Only trying to show that she means the entire world to me, and I would have never lasted this long without her, but she's withdrawn and i'm afraid our friendship is ruined. I feel worthless, because I'm so used to having her there, and knowing what goodbye means this time, That I am going through heck. I'm afraid i'll never see her again. and I miss her so much, cause she's gotton me through the worst times in my life, and I love her. I woke up to her watching me sleep this morning, and tonightr i sleep thousands of miles away from her
I have feelings for "h" beyond friendship, but she has a BF, and I know it would be wrong to act on them. but It hurts alot because i have them and wish i could just show her and she'd feel the same. and I know thats wrong, and i feel it's betraying our 10 year long friendship.
I'm the oldest of four boys, so alot of the pressure is put on me.i'm the "good one" the one that'll go to university, all that stuff. and I really dunno if I can do it.
and worst of all. I feel I'm in the wrong Body. that I should be a woman. and I don't ruhs into this, I've spend the last coupel years learning about this since i realized what i had been feeling happens to others, and there was even treatment. but i'm afraid of my parents reaction, if "H" could ever care for me as a woman, if i'm wrong, I transition, and then I realize it. and worse, I know the only thing keeping me Back is me, because, without that fear, I might have already done it. I'm my own worst enemy. mayeb that just i really care about this, because if i did'nt i would'nt be afraid
To sum up what I need advice on:
What do i do to ease this pain of leaving "H"(i've been crying all day), not feel so bad about betraying her friendship(deal with loving her, without it hurting, knowing i'll never be with her)
How can I learn to help my friends, but also let myself need their help sometimes?
How can I talk to my parents about how i'm going to transition, even if they don't like it?
And generally, I think i just need some cheering up, and some way to feel like i'm cared for, and that who i am matters, that people still care about me and I am loved as well?
Please Help me, I'm at my wits end, and I don't know what to do.
Solemnstar
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Hey Solemnstar,
Your story's definitely a rocky one. I think the other answer's pretty solid, but I'd add a thing or two.
I too have difficulty opening up to people, it's not easy for me to cry in front of others and I am much more comfortable helping them with their problems than accepting help from them. I learned why that was the case through visiting a councellor, which was a really positive experience. The point is it was too difficult for me to suddenly be really open and emotional with others, I had to start out slowly. I started by being honest about my struggles (but still not crying or becoming emotional) with family and friends, and then chose just one person that I could be safe showing my emotions to. Once you get used to the feeling of doing it, and see that people react with a lot of support, it'll be easier to open up to more people over time. You don't have to jump in all at once, taking it slow is probably a safer bet.
Adding to that, I noticed that you were disappointed by your friends reactions to your suicide attempt. Their reactions were very natural and normal. They obviously care about you, but had no idea what they were supposed to say or how to help. When that happens people become uncomfortable and helpless feeling and react with avoidance and distancing. It's not at all a reflection of how they feel about you.
If you want care and attention from the ones you love the most, the only way to get it is to let them in. I'm sure they want to support you and give you affection, but it's really difficult for them to do it if you don't let them in (they won't know what you need) or if you overwhelm them with self-mutilation, suicide attempts, or extreme emotional outbursts (which frightens them and clouds their judgement). Ease into it and see what happens.
I get the sense from what you've written that you are suffering from the normal misconception of what relationships can do. The reason that your advice and help to some of your friends doesn't always actually help is because you're neither capable of nor responsible for fixing their problems, only they can do that. What a friend, boyfriend, or girlfriend CAN do is to be there to listen to them, encourage them, and let them know theý are not alone. If you can do that for someone then you've done the best you can. The rest is entirely up to them, no exceptions. It sounds crummy, but it's the way it's supposed to be. People have to be able to take care of themselves and not give that responsibility away to others.
Similarly with "H", even if she were available and you two started going out, there wouldn't be much she could do to help you out with your situation other than being there to listen, and it sounds like she already is. Very little would actually change, you'd just have the benefit of the brief rush of excitement that accompanies getting the girl you like. Now this is the tricky part, it's probably for the best that nothing has happened between you two yet. When people get into relationships while they are depressed it puts a lot of strain on the couple and usually condemns the relationship to failure. When you are feeling as down as you seem to be, it's a clear sign that you need to put your energy into yourself rather than into others and into new relationships. If you really love H, the best thing you can do is to loop her in and be honest about what you are going through and about the transition, and to get healthy emotionally so that if she's ever ready to give it a shot you are actually able to make the most of it. The good news is that if she's 16 she's not likely to marry this current bf, so you may yet have a chance. You guys have been close for a long time, I'm sure she's not ready to cut you off just because she felt uncomfortable during your visit. I highly recommend that you don't let the situation simmer. Be proactive, call her and tell her that you sensed that maybe she was a bit uncomfortable and that you'd like to talk about it. If in fact you did make her uncomfortable (it's possible that's not the cause), appologize readily. Considering what you've been through lately and your close friendship, I'd say there's no chance she's going to hold it against you. Silence is your enemy though, so don't wait. If you are honest and open with her, and work hard to be your very healthiest you might just get a chance to make things work.
I knew a very young transgender boy once, knew he wanted to be a girl since he was a toddler. One of the things he had to do before going on the hormone therapy was to live as a girl for at least one year, 24-7-365. 100% as a girl, all the time. It's the only way to know for sure if you want that life and if you will be able to manage the reactions of family and friends. Of course you'll need to discuss your feelings with your parents first, but before you start taking hormones and go under the knife, such a test is a safe bet before the changes are permanent.
And it's just my personal experience, but a good councellor who you really trust can be an enormous asset if you let it be.
Really good luck to you, you sound like a brave guy, just don't be more brave than is good for you, eh?
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ok wow. this was really interesting to read. i mean i thought i had some things bad, but you never really realize what some people go through. ok well im here to help you. ok about "H", she sounds like a great person, and its hard that you love her so much, but she lives so far away and doesnt even know. first off, i think you should eventually tell "h" soon that you really care about her more than a friend. tell her you know she has a boyfriend, but that doesnt stop your feelings, neither does the miles that seperate you. honestly? i think you know that you and "h" can never be, and thats why your crying. but that cant stop you from living your life. i know love is hard and everything, but you have to be real. it sounds like you could have a great life ahead of you, but your letting her stop you from achieving happiness. you need to be more open with other girls and guys too make new friends. there are other girls or guys out there. you'll eventually get over "h" no matter how much pain youll go through. cutting is not the answer. so you should stop that now, it makes it even worse. it sounds like your a great friend and you help all of them, but you need to learn to let your feelings out to your friends, not to random people on advicenators, even though it does help. you need to tell them the things your telling everyone on here. they can help you through things in person, not over a computer. and about the transition, you should come clean with your parents. dont come out and ask for it, simply talk to them about your feelings, and ease up to maybe considering it. if they cant deal with it, find a family member that can help. one thing you cant do: do nottt yell at your parents, no matter what they say about it, it only makes everything worse. dont let this make things hard between you and your parents, because they love you with all of their hearts, but they probably wont expect this coming from you. i really hope i help, and i know things will be better for you because you sound like a really caring and thoughtful person with a bright future ahead of you. :]
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