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Love you? I don't even KNOW you! (um... I'm so sorry)
This is kind of a complex problem, I'll attempt to be as concise as possible and any thoughts you might have would be really useful food for thought.
My problem is in the way that I communicate myself to people I have just met. I seem to give off some kind of vibe that suggests that I want to get really close to people really fast. This happens with both men and women and I have a long history of it. It's much worse with men because of the obvious sexual aspect. Suddenly people I've just met are telling me intimate details of their lives and acting like we're life-long friends, or worse some guy I've just met figures he can start touching me or even directly asking me to sleep with him! After only an hour or so conversation! It's not everyone I meet of course, but it happens a lot-they don't seem to get that I want relationships (platonic and otherwise) to proceed at a sane pace. What's even worse is that when a misunderstanding occurs I feel awful about it and am loathe to embarrass them, so I end up playing along until I can find a way to physically escape the encounter, then I dread bumping into them. It makes me feel sneaky and dishonest.
I've given it a lot of thought and I can't seem to pinpoint an exact cause, this is what I know:
I do not dress provocatively and I am very careful not to exhibit sexually suggestive body
language.
My looks are about average, nobody's attracted to my stunning beauty.
I am a very respectful and polite communicator; always wanting people to feel at ease I am careful to listen and to not give offense, I try to show empathy to their points of view. I never put people down, I smile and accept others. When I express opposing view points I do it gently. I'm willing to discuss pretty much anything (but obviously not a lot of personal details about myself early on)
I apply a lot of social lubricant-filling silences before they become uncomfortable, telling funny stories, trying to include everyone present, that kind of thing. Also I'm
enthusiastic, so I talk animatedly and smile a lot.
I am happy that people feel at ease and want to open up to me, it makes meeting people a lot easier. Also I am a writer and there's a lot of inspiration to be had by meeting people and
talking to them, I really enjoy it. BUT somehow it ends up being more than a casual conversation and they start having expectations of me that I didn't agree to. AND because I don't want to hurt people's feelings or embarrass them, when I know it's gone too far I have trouble setting the record straight. Of course I could say "HEY! BACK THE HELL OFF!", but it's not my style and I'd feel just awful watching their reactions. The way things are though, people get hurt and disappointed anyway (when I book-it out of there), and any possibility of a mutual relationship with these people is lost.
Finally, it's bad enough on an average day, but I'm travelling alone in SE Asia, meeting people all the time, and cultural differences are a big part of it. I find that here NONE of my subtle hints (not holding a eye contact that is too intimate, slightly pulling away if a person gets too close, etc...) work at all and it's happening more than ever! Add to that a need to show proper respect as a visitor and I feel totally stuck! It potentially puts me at risk, AND gets in the way of making personal contacts.
SO how do I project an expectation of personal space without being rude and without giving up the chance to have great conversations; and once a misunderstanding has occurred, how do I diffuse the situation without making people uncomfortable? I'd really love to hear to hear your insights, especially to hear both a man and a woman's take on the situation.
Thank you so much for your help,
Girlaboutglobe, Canadian, 27
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Hi.
To an extent I think it's just human nature to assume things that aren't there or to misunderstand simply being nice and polite as being a sign of some kind of atraction. It's complicated but not anything that is your fault I think. I like to be polite when meetingnew people just as you are and I show respect, try to keep them in conversations so they don't feel left out and generally try to be nice but at times it does come across as something else. I've been told by a few friends how they think I'm flirting with everyone I meet. :/ I don't think I'm flirting at all - I'm not all over them or making any inapropriate gestures or anything of that sort - I am simply being me, which is trying to be nice to that person or persons.
I think most of these people you encounter just misunderstand your friendly nature as flirting which isn't your fault at all. However, one thing you may need to do is be able to take a step back and let them know they have misunderstood your intentions. One way might be to steer the conversation away to another subject which can sometimes work but if not then all I can really say is to use your own personal judgement and try to defuse the problem by just saying they seemed to have misunderstood what you meant. The other person may feel uncomfortable but if you carry on the conversation back onto track it should be okay and wouldn't give the other person too long to dwell on their embaressment. Generally I come forward and say there's been a misunderstandingsaying that they may have misinterpreted what I had meant and then I explain myself in more detail and it generally works and from there I just carry on with the conversation and all usually goes well from there.
As for people who open up to you more than you'd want them to and such I think this is also the aura that you reflect about yourself. Someone who is such a nice person (from what you have described of yourself) it would be easy for people to open up to you just to talk about their personal things, mostly because they feel comfortable with you and may get the impression you won't judge them by what they tell you. This works both ways obviously as it has done with me. I can meet some people and by the end of the night will know everyhting about them, in some cases more than their best friend may know. It's daunting sometimes but I take it as a compliment because it's hard to find people you can just meet and talk to about anything.
Sorry I can't be more detailed or give more accurate answers though but good luck and try not to change who you are because from the sounds of it you do sound an awesome person albeit a little misunderstood at times by people you first meet. I think all you need to do though is just jump in to straighten any misunderstandings so the person will back off without you needing to actually say back off. Generally when the conversation becomes off topic (and you fear it may eventually lead to them saying something like you both sleeping together etc, etc) that would be a good time to steer the conversation away from there and try move it to a different subject. Some guys, as dim as they are sometimes, can see this and will get the hint. Others however wouldn't know a hint if it slapped them so you may need to be a little more direct.
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