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Older Boyfriend, Complicated Mother
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a month. He just turned 18 and I'm soon to be 15 so we're about 3 1/2 years apart. Nothing bad or serious is going on but we do make each other very happy. I don't see him often but we talk on the phone for about 3 hours every night. My parents and family have no problem with it, they like him. But, his mom hates me! She's vietnamese and is from Vietnam so she has different views. He's an only child so I totally understand her being protective but idk what to do. I want badly to change for her but also, he likes me for me and I don't want that to change. They constantly fight about me, even tho I haven't seen her in weeks and she doesn't really know we hang out (she doesn't even know we're offically dating, he hasn't told her). She thinks I'm just doing this to prove I can get an older guy and mess up his life but that's not true! I care very much about him and love him a lot. I always put him first, he's one of the best people in my life. But I'm afraid that all this fighting is going to drive him crazy and he's going to decide it's not worth it and everything is too complicated. I'm stuck. What do I do?
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Honey, you are really between a rock and a hard place. His vietnamese family is so steeped in tradition. I think he would be having problems dating anyone, let alone an American Girl. I am sure that they want him to go to college. And they want NOTHING and NO ONE to interfere with that. His parents probably never dated, their marriage was arranged by their parents. And I wouldn't be surprised if they aren't hoping to do the same for him some day, when THEY decide that he is old enough. Which won't be until he is out of college. The other thing is the differences in your ages. You are under age, you know that. He is an adult now in the eyes of the law, if you two have ANY sexual contact, he can be arrested, and be marked as a sexual predator for the rest of his life. And IT DOESN"T matter if you and even your parents, do not want to press charges against him. The state can press the charges, and you will have no say in it. But perhaps you already know this, are you two are NOT having relations, and have no plans to get intimate. Once you are over 16, I think the laws change.
It is very very difficult for him to live with the thought of dissapointing his parents. The Vietnamese people put great emphasis on respecting ones elders, and obeying your parents. In a Vietnamese family, the parents make the decisions for their children well into adult hood. And I belive that his parents are so worried about what COULD happen that they are on his case constantly. Reminding him of what he owes them. Honey, I don't want to discourage you from thinking about a life together with him, but I can tell you a lifetime of living with (or near by) a mother-in-law who hates you can get real old, real fast. Are you up to it?
I think the best thing for you guys to do is stay friends, stay close, and see if his parents come around. Maybe in time, but you MUST BOTH BE VERY CAREFUL, not to make any mistakes that could ruin one or both of your lives, (you know what I mean).
Maybe if years go by, and you two still want to be together, then maybe they will give in. BUT I think that will only happen once he has finished college and has a career. If he is an only son, he will be expected to take care of his parents in their old age. That is tradition. So keep that in mind. I wish you both the best, but I can tell you from experience, sometimes love is not enough, when the whole world seems to be against you. They make it seem romantic in the movies, but it is nothing like that in reality. I only tell you all these things so you have enough information to make the best decision. Good luck to you.
Michele
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that is a very big difference in age.
but as long as ya'll aren't fooling
around and such, i don't see how you
could be messing up his life. and i
wouldn't really take it personally
i think she is just shocked at how
young you are. and vietnamese women
are, i don't know how to put it
exactly but, they're very strong in
they're beliefs and opinions. but
maybe trying to talk to her and
just tell her that you both enjoy
eachother's company. communication
is the policy. if you don't talk
about things it won't ever work out
or get better.
i hope things work out for the best.
-beth
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