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So I have this friend. Lets name him John
John and his younger sister, Jill go to a different state a plane ride away to see their dad since their parents are divorced.
John and Jill have not seen their dad in over 2 years.
One day while they were down at their dads house, Jill comes over to John and tells him she thinks their dad is not a good person.
Now their mother does not like the dad at all ( I do not know why) but from the way it sounds is asthough she is lying to both kids saying that he is not a good person and has been for 12 years or so.
Jill is convinced that he is(maybe from hearing it so many times from the mother).
John says that from the two years that he has not seen his father, that he has changed for the better and has also changed John's view of him.
John does not know how to talk to his mother about her lying without the both of them getting into a fight.
Are there any suggestions or similar situations you have had before?
Any would be great, thanks.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Obvisouly, John's mother had a very bad experience with her ex-husband. Whatever happened between them left her hurt and angry, and she probably really does feel that he's "not a good person." So maybe she isn't really "lying" to her kids... it sounds like she's just saying what she thinks is true.
Still, it's understandable that John would feel bad when his mom says those things. After all, the man is his father and he's trying to have a father-son relationship with him. If it really bothers him, he should definitely talk to his mom about how he feels. If he's not comfortable talking to her, he could write her a note.
What should he say?
Well, he SHOULDN'T accuse her of lying, or try to convince her that she's wrong. That will only upset her and make her defensive. What he CAN say is something like this:
"Mom, I know that you and dad had some problems, and I really feel bad that you had to go through that. But I want you to know that it's pretty hard on me when you say bad things about him. He is my father, and even though he's not perfect, I want to have a relationship with him. I want you to know that I love you, and I understand how you feel. But it would really make things easier on me if you could try not to talk badly about him in front of me and Jill."
Hopefully she will understand, if he puts it like that.
As for Jill... it's going to be up to her to form her own opinion of her father, and decide what kind of relationship she'll have with him. I know of two brothers who had a very similar situation. One brother grew up hating his father and hasn't talked to him or even mentioned his name in 20 years. The other brother, however, has kept a good relationship with his dad and visits him regularly. Everyone is different, and it's up to each person to handle things in their own way.
Good luck to John and his sis!
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