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25/F
I apologize in advance for the length of my question. Now... Where do I begin?
I suppose the beginning would be a good place, wouldn't it? Really this all started when I was about 14. Around that time I became very ill and my parents withdrew me from the public school system. I became isolated with only my co-dependent mother and neglegent step-father to keep me company. A social anxiety disorder and depression were the result. That compounded with other issues (an estranged father, past sexual abuse, and extremely low self-esteem) caused my depression to drag me into what I refer to as the "screaming void." I cried myself to sleep every night and thought a lot about death when I was awake.
Around the age of sixteen I initiated a raging war with my own, then severe, depression. I won't bore you with the details. To make a long story short I finally made peace with myself. I am proud to say that I have grown into an emotionally and physically healthy young woman, capable of caring for herself. I'm independent and stable in every aspect of my life... And I have so many reasons to be grateful. My health, loving family and friends, a healthy, loving relationship with my long-term significant other, a decent career with decent benefits and pay, a nice, safe place to live... I have everything I could possibly need...
However... My depression never really "went away." Even during some of the happiest periods of my life it would crop up in one form or another and try to turn my life upside down again. I've managed to keep myself from being dragged into that screaming void but...
Recently, I've felt myself being pulled in that direction again. I know the warning signs. My all ready unusual sleeping habits are becoming even more erratic and I'm always tired. I eat when I'm not hungry. I'm bored with my life and beginning to wonder if it's pointless despite the fact that I know it isn't. I'm not motivated. Difficulty concentrating... Generally feeling over-whelmed, inadequate, etc.
Usually, there is some situation that triggers this behavior. The only thing that I can think of... My career. About nine months ago I was promoted to a management position and sent to a "trouble store" with the mission of cleaning up the mess. It was stressful from the day that I walked in the door to the day I walked out. I ended up quitting and finding another job... During interviews, when asked why I was leaving a company I that I had worked for five years, I implied that the company was going down the proverbial shit-hole and wouldn't be in business much longer. While that wasn't a lie, the real reason I was leaving was that my management staff wasn't supportive... And I was miserable. This was when the warning signs started popping up and finding a new job was the only solution I could find to the problem.
On Memorial Day I started my new job. It's only been a week and I'm all ready feeling bored, inadequate, and generally unmotivated. A part of me says to hang in there, that this is going to pass and things will get better... Another part of me says that maybe I should think about a career change. But I can't think of anything that I WANT to do... And I can't afford to support myself and go back to college.
I'd enjoy being self-employed... Or doing something creative like writing childrens books and novels. But those just don't seem like possible options right now.
I've also thought about asking my doctor about anti-depressants. The reason I haven't is because I know that finding an anti-depressant that works is like riding a roller-coaster. And I've been on that roller-coaster before.
Any ideas? Thoughts? Suggestions?
Thank you in advance. ;)
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
Well, you sound like you're already on the right track you're just going through a hard time and when you suffer from depression, hard times seem to bring back all of everything, not just the tiny thing that upset you in the first place. I used to suffer from depression too, was suicidal in my teen years, and dealt with losses and other really hard situations as well. I am similar to you in the way that I found my strength in myself, yet, it is always an ongoing battle to not let things get me down. But, most people dont understand that depression is really a tough battle because it always lingers deep in your soul and sometimes smiles on the outside are not a reflection of the inside. Anti-depressants which are the medical anti dote only make you feel happier, yet, they dont resolve the reasons behind why you feel that way. With that being said, most people wouldn't understand how strong of a person you really are to overcome and be able to find happiness even with these negative impediments. The only thing that is left however, is to maintain that strength of character you have and the strength you have in yourself to live. The only way to find happiness, is to cutt out whatever the negative things are in your life that is making you unhappy. In this case, if you find it is your job, then don't continue with it. ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE AND IF YOU WANT IT THEN YOU CAN ACHEIVE IT. Nothings easy to come by, especially happiness. If you think that writing childrens stories is the job that will make you happy then you should pursue it. There are always ways you can do this you just have to motivate yourself and believe that you can. The sooner you make that choice, the faster happiness will come to you. Happiness can be all around you, you just have to find it. In times where you feel sad and overcome, you have to start looking at the things you are blessed with in your life and know that it could always be much worse than it is. Even look at the simple things you have like (the ability to move, see, hear, etc) Make sure that you don't forget to enjoy life and do the things that make you happy as well. If your life starts to become too busy with work (especially if you're not happy with your job) or other things that make you unhappy rather than what makes you happy, then chances are youre going to be unhappy and fall into a place you don't want to be in...which I think you already see yourself heading. SO, stay positive, cut out the bad things in your life, and just know life's not easy but it is what you make of it, so do the best you can and focus on the things that give your life meaning:)
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Hi.
Firstly I'd like to say after everything you've said I take my hat off to you (not wearing one but I think you get the idea) in being able to pull yourself out of that dark void. It's not easy to be able to do that and then turn everything around. The thing is, as I stated in another question someone had posted, life is NOT an easy thing. It never will be. It's a constant struggle and we seem to have to fight for what we want and to be happy but then no one has ever gotten anything just by asking. Firstly, just hang on in there and keep fighting and hanging on. you've got someone here who's cheering you on. :]
I know exactly how you feel about where you work and the type of work you are doing too. I was working retail and then management and it was all just getting to the point it was a chore and a very boring one at that. There was no motivation and management seemed like a pck of wolves waiting for me to slip up just so they could take a bite instead of being there to support me. I eventually decided to wash my hands of it completely and decided I wanted to do something completely different. I'm now working on a number of things and small jobs so I have a small amount of money coming in but my ultimate goal is to get my internet security company up and running (internet security meaning we protect children who use the internet from internet predators). The company is well on its way already (am currently working on various advertising solutions as well as making arrangements for a liaison to be assigned to me and the company through my local police station). Running your own little company might well be just what you need and don't forget you don't have to quit working where you currently work to do it. If you have an interest in writing childrens books and novels by all means do so. There's many publishers out there who may take an interest and if not you can always publish and print them yourself through a printers. All you need is to have those ideas there and you can do it - don't let anything stop you from doing it. As I said, you don't have to (and I wouldn't suggest it either) quit working where you now work because it's a steady source of income. Even being self employed in writing childrens books you can do part-time when your not working and at your own time and leisure.
Also, another thing I would like to suggest is maybe a nice vacation. I think considering everything that you have been going through and now with all this stuff with work things are obviously taking their toll. Everyone needs a break from time to time so you should give yourself a break too. Go away for a while on holiday, somewhere you've always wanted to go, it doesn't even have to be abroad. Just go away for a while and enjoy yourself and have fun be it with your other half or with a few friends. Then when you come back start fresh and with a clear mind. Then decide what you DO want to do. If you want to start writing then by all means go for it.
Also, before considering anti-depressant you may want to consider counseling. Just having a therapist to talk to. It may seem odd as a suggestion but it would be a far more productive and maybe even safer option to go with than the alternative (anti-depressants). It's just an idea though as maybe having a therapist to talk to may help you a little.
Good luck and stay strong and hang in there. :]
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