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The Three Words I Can't Say..
14, Female
LONG but please it ALL!
Ok a few night ago I was hanging out with my boyfriend for 2 months and yes I know it doesnt sound like a lot but we've thru a lot that his sister passing away. She had cance from birth so I had to be with him and comfort him and I wouldnt want it any other way and I truely like him but we were hanging out and watching movies when he told me he loved me.. I dont know about you but when I tell someone I love them I mean it its not something i say/ but i couldnt say it back!!!! I like him SO MUCH but im only 14 I dont know what love is yet I hope what im feeling is love but im just not sure Im only 14!!! I want to explain it to him why I couldnt say it but without him thinking that I dont care about him I wanna say I like you I DO but im only 14 and im not really sure what love is.. i dont want to hurt him i mean his moms an alcoholic sence his sister passed away, and his little brother Kile has been staying like everyother night here so he wont go hungry becuase the moms not working and the Dad left before Miranda was born so Kile has a diffrent Dad that didnt stick aroumd either! Im like begging him to come and live here with me and my family I know my parents wouldnt mind because ive been telling my mom everything and she wants to beat his mom because shes not working.. so there like no food in the house but every time he says he cant leave him mom because if it was just her she'd drink and drink and starve herself! all she does is lay on the couch! Kile is hopefully soon becoming a full member in this household and thats how my boyfriend wants it but he still has to be like a father and make sure his moms ok but its too much for him and i think last night he got drunk with his mom and i cant say im dissipointed because it would kill him and i hate it because its like walking on eggshells with him you dont know what will happen
ok I know its alot I just dont want him getting mad at me and trying to handle everything on his own because it'll kill him! I dont want to keep pushing the issue about him living her but i dont want him taking Kile because kiles only 8 and wont understand why he'll be hungry And every night before kile goes to sleep I tell him i love him but i cant tell my boyfriend???? so either i explain it to him why I cant say i love you to him OR just say it but mean it but how do you mean it??? please help me im being Girlfriend, Mother, but not a good girlfriend!! please i know this is long but answer me and i never said my boyfriends name so i dont think its something everyone has to know
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What a horribly difficult situation you are ALL in, including the drunk mother. So sad...
There are a couple of things I can advise you on. You should tell your boyfriend that you love him as a person, as you love his brother, but that you feel romantically attracted to him as well. Just tell him that you aren't in romantic love with him now and you'd like to have some time to let that happen. Let him know that when he says that in the future he may not hear what he wants in return. You may never fall in love with him. Most people don't fall in love with the boy they're with at age 14. I didn't fall in love until I was 19 and in college and I'd had plenty of boyfriends before then. I did, in fact, break up with a guy for telling me he loved me after just 3 dates. In retrospect, that was a little harsh, but I knew the relationship wasn't going anywhere. ANYWAY, when you fall in love, you will have no doubt about what it is. You can't really describe it, but anyone who's had the experience knows for sure they've done it.
Cut your guy some slack. There are MAJOR things happening in his life. He may really feel that he loves you or he may be searching for anything to feel other than sadness, despair, disgust, hopelesness, etc. He may be clinging on to you because you're the one good thing in his life right now. He may really think he's in love with you. And he may really be. That doesn't mean you have to be in love with him or even pretend to be. If you pretend, it will make things worse later.
So that's my advice regarding the love issue.
Regarding the messed-up situation at your boyfriend's house, someone needs to call Child Protective Services to get the mother some help. Of course she's depressed. She has every right to be. But she needs to take care of herself and her children. Because if she's not working, she's not buying food and probably not paying the rent/mortgage. Not only will Kile and BF be hungry, but soon they'll likely be homeless. Someone needs to step in before it gets that far. You may think that Social Services (or CPS) will just take the boys away from their mother, but they will really do *everything* in their power not to let it get that far. They can help the mother with counseling, help with her substance abuse issues, get her going back to work, help her come up with plans to get help from any of her support network (her parents, her friends, her church, whatever), they can get her on food stamps, medicaid, or whatever. They can refer the family to a food bank so the kids don't go hungry. They can help Kile and BF go through the grieving process. All it takes is one call to CPS or Social Services and you can remain anonymous! Please consider making that call so BF doesn't end up dropping out of school to support his brother and drunk mother. The only way to turn this bad situation around is to get help.
Sabine
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Hi.
It's perfectly understandable that you don't want to just say you love him purely just becuase he has said it you. You want to wait until you know you do love him, when it will actually mean something. I can appreciate that and I think if you told him then he will also understand.
With everything that is going on with his family it's really nice that you and your family are so willing to help. His mother may seem like a dead beat and an alcoholic at the moment but I think it's more down to her not knowing how to cope with the situation and her loss. She needs time and more importantly, some professional help to deal with what's happened (and made aware although she lost one kid the way she is going at the moment she may lose all the family she has left). Maybe your own parents can help here by trying to talk to her but the key word here is talk, not yell. Yelling and screaming at her (or beating her up for how she's treating her kids at the moment) will serve no purpose. She's an emotional wreck and although she feels the alcohol helps - it generally just makes it worse (especially the depression).
Also, you said you can tell his brother you love him but not your boyfriend. This is simple enough to explain - the love you feel for his little brother is different to that of the love you feel for your boyfriend. That's why. Good luck with everything and I hope all works out well.
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