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help pls (pt 2)
Hi,
Thanks soo much for your help/advice earlier. I actually had a talk with him last nite via msn... so Im going to paste it here for you to see and judge..
Hey God! Will you keep my Baby safe?, Protect him from all harm, And give him strength and amazing grace,Tell him that I love him says:
do you want to play 20 questions?
brown sugar says:
not really
how was your day
Hey God! Will you keep my Baby safe?, Protect him from all harm, And give him strength and amazing grace,Tell him that I love him says:
it was pretty good.. quite bz.. had all the managers come in from the diff branches for meetings all day
had to attend to them while I was there.. even though I left early.. had to do what I cude
mind if I give you a call now?
brown sugar says:
remember talking about taking it slow
Hey God! Will you keep my Baby safe?, Protect him from all harm, And give him strength and amazing grace,Tell him that I love him says:
ok.. can I ask you something seriously..
ok you want to take things slowly. I agree. but how are we going to get to know one another if we dont stay in contact.. tell me?
brown sugar says:
ok
you are acting really weird
if you were on a date with someone would you stay in contact with that person all the time
if you liked him
i want to know you
but you are acting obsesive
you can't talk this over
ok
Hey God! Will you keep my Baby safe?, Protect him from all harm, And give him strength and amazing grace,Tell him that I love him says:
im here
if you liked them you wud want to talk to them and get 2 know them as much as you can
brown sugar says:
ok, who is your babie
Hey God! Will you keep my Baby safe?, Protect him from all harm, And give him strength and amazing grace,Tell him that I love him says:
and plus we are cities away.. wudnt that make you want to talk more as to if we were close
oh its a line from a movie
see when you are close to someone aka same town you talk less. when you are far away from someone you want to talk to them more
brown sugar says:
remember you said the worst thing inthe world when we were together
Hey God! Will you keep my Baby safe?, Protect him from all harm, And give him strength and amazing grace,Tell him that I love him says:
yes i rem that
brown sugar says:
i still think about it
and the way you were talking this morning
you know what,lets end it
Hey God! Will you keep my Baby safe?, Protect him from all harm, And give him strength and amazing grace,Tell him that I love him says:
i just got a lil upset cause after you said dont worry well talk and then you dissapeared it felt like you didnt wanna know me
brown sugar says:
because you are the opposite lately that i knew and liked
Hey God! Will you keep my Baby safe?, Protect him from all harm, And give him strength and amazing grace,Tell him that I love him says:
no lets not end it
i agree we shud go slow..
brown sugar says:
when did i dissappear
Hey God! Will you keep my Baby safe?, Protect him from all harm, And give him strength and amazing grace,Tell him that I love him says:
i want 2 get to know you the rite way
not wrong way as i had been supposedly been doing lately
brown sugar says:
you are acting weird
u said you don't get attached
and you are
Hey God! Will you keep my Baby safe?, Protect him from all harm, And give him strength and amazing grace,Tell him that I love him says:
Im sorry for acing weird
but we used to talk alot and I miss our talks.. thats all
brown sugar says:
i miss it to but you got to remember, that you said that thing
its hard to forget
Hey God! Will you keep my Baby safe?, Protect him from all harm, And give him strength and amazing grace,Tell him that I love him says:
i do rem
brown sugar says:
im sorry, im trying to forget, but its hard
Hey God! Will you keep my Baby safe?, Protect him from all harm, And give him strength and amazing grace,Tell him that I love him says:
It’s not a big deal. It was just a question. You asked me that as well.
brown sugar says:
you upset me
Hey God! Will you keep my Baby safe?, Protect him from all harm, And give him strength and amazing grace,Tell him that I love him says:
I sorry for that, but you talked about it too.
and I want to make things works btw us..
so im gonn back off
brown sugar says:
i want to get to know you, but we have to take things slow
Hey God! Will you keep my Baby safe?, Protect him from all harm, And give him strength and amazing grace,Tell him that I love him says:
deal
brown sugar says:
i want to actually meet you
and see
Hey God! Will you keep my Baby safe?, Protect him from all harm, And give him strength and amazing grace,Tell him that I love him says:
i know me too.. and that will happen soon
brown sugar says:
and hang out with you
but it is up to you
Hey God! Will you keep my Baby safe?, Protect him from all harm, And give him strength and amazing grace,Tell him that I love him says:
ok
im backing off
if you need to contact me you can.. il always be here.. I just wont piss you off with calls and txt msgs etc..
brown sugar says:
why are you acting like this
Hey God! Will you keep my Baby safe?, Protect him from all harm, And give him strength and amazing grace,Tell him that I love him says:
what do you mean?
you said i was being weird and obsessive. so im not goint do that
:D
brown sugar says:
please don't do that
because its not appealing to anyone, unless they are desparent
im not
i want to get to know the person
Hey God! Will you keep my Baby safe?, Protect him from all harm, And give him strength and amazing grace,Tell him that I love him says:
so tell me.. what do you want me to do..
brown sugar says:
and you are saying the wrong things all the time for last past three days
Hey God! Will you keep my Baby safe?, Protect him from all harm, And give him strength and amazing grace,Tell him that I love him says:
brb i think im gonna throw up
hold on pls
brown sugar says:
why are you throwing up
Hey God! Will you keep my Baby safe?, Protect him from all harm, And give him strength and amazing grace,Tell him that I love him says:
k i back
brown sugar says:
another turn off
Hey God! Will you keep my Baby safe?, Protect him from all harm, And give him strength and amazing grace,Tell him that I love him says:
i ate something today
that didnt settle well in me tummy
now I feel sick
brown sugar says:
im sorry
Hey God! Will you keep my Baby safe?, Protect him from all harm, And give him strength and amazing grace,Tell him that I love him says:
sorry for what sweetie?
its not your faults its the food
brown sugar says:
for being sick
Hey God! Will you keep my Baby safe?, Protect him from all harm, And give him strength and amazing grace,Tell him that I love him says:
ohh ya.. no worries.. i'll be btr in a few days
no more chicken sandwich at mcdonalds.
brown sugar says:
listen, we have to get together, before our relationship grows
and if want this relationship to work, you have come here
Hey God! Will you keep my Baby safe?, Protect him from all harm, And give him strength and amazing grace,Tell him that I love him says:
y before?
brown sugar says:
because i am so confused about you
Hey God! Will you keep my Baby safe?, Protect him from all harm, And give him strength and amazing grace,Tell him that I love him says:
and with time.. sweetie.. you gotta know all you can about me first then we decide if I should come
neways... wat are your plans for tonite?
brown sugar says:
i am heading out
i have hockey
at 10
brown sugar says:
anyways i have to get ready
ttyl
Hey God! Will you keep my Baby safe?, Protect him from all harm, And give him strength and amazing grace,Tell him that I love him says:
okie... talk to u tomm?
cheers
[ ]
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Um... I assume his screen name is "Brown Sugar." If that's the case... Is it me or is he not making sense at all? He doesn't want to talk to you on the phone, and he's accusing you of acting weird and moving too fast... But he's all ready talking about meeting you? And why do you have to come to him?
I'm sticking to my original opinions. He's a flake and he isn't worth your time. Furthermore, I'm beginning to think that he just wants to get laid.
Why do I think that? It's the inconsistancy of his behavior. He says he wants to get to know you... But he doesn't seem to want to talk to you anymore. If he doesn't want to talk to you, what's he planning to do when the two of you meet?
As for this thing that you said that apparantly upset him so... Oh, come on. You said you wouldn't mind seeing a couple of gay guys together. Big deal. Don't YOU think HE'S being irrational about this whole thing? I mean, think of it this way...
At one point, one specific question was getting asked frequently on advicenators. This was the basic scenario: a girl would be on her boyfriend's computer for some reason. She wasn't snooping or anything, but she would stumble across pornography he had saved on his hard drive. She would find this disturbing simply for the fact that she didn't understand why he would have pictures or videos of naked women if he was satisfied with the sexual aspect of their relationship.
I had to explain frequently over and over again that it was normal for men to have pornography... And that this had nothing to do with their relationship. It didn't mean he didn't think she was attractive, or that he wasn't satisfied with her. It was simply a habit, and as long as it didn't effect their relationship I didn't consider it to be a problem.
How does this tie into what I'm saying? My point is that he has sexual fantasies of his own. Some of these fantasies might make you uncomfortable, but he would want you to accept him still and act in a rational manner about the situation, wouldn't he? So why is it that he can't do the same for you? Why is he making it such a big deal? It's not like you asked him to participate in a threesome. Or is he just that homophobic?
Anyway... Now that I'm done ranting, I'm going to tell you a story. Maybe you can learn something from my mistake...
About two years ago, I decided to try internet dating. I met this guy, let's call him John, on one dating website. After taking several compability tests, John and I start emailing each other. One day, John emails me his telephone number so I call him.
I think what set the tone for the entire conversation was the honest remark he made within five minutes of answering the phone. He stated that he was new to internet dating and he was finding it to be awkward and a little bit weird. I laughed and told him that I agreed. After that we were completely honest about everything... And we asked each other some pretty tough questions. Religion, politics, philosophy, morality, past relationships, disfunctional families... We talked about it all. We bared our souls to one another...
From the time we started talking until we met in person... He would call me every night and we would talk for hours... Usually somewhere between 2-4. I thought that I had this amazing mental connection with John, and that maybe he was different... Maybe I had found someone that I was compatible with and... Who knows? Maybe this could turn into a long-term relationship.
After about a week of staying up every night talking and falling asleep at work, John asked if we could meet. I said okay. He lived out of state but he was willing to make the drive just to take me to dinner.
When we met... Honestly, I have no idea what happened. He started acting kind of weird and I couldn't figure out why. After the date was over and we both went home, he called me to tell me that he had arrived safely. Something had changed. When I tried to discuss his feelings on the matter honestly, like I was so accustomed to doing with him, he told me that he thought I was acting like someone else on our date, that I was acting weird... Maybe we should take it slow, etc. (Sound familiar?)
After that... When I tried to call him he usually didn't answer the phone. Occassionally he would call me back, we'd talk for fifteen minutes, and then he would invent some lame excuse to end the conversation. I could tell that his feelings had changed and that he didn't want to talk about it, so I took the hint and stopped calling him.
Three months passed. I had a really difficult time getting over him. Part of the issue was that I had felt so close to him... And I didn't understand how he could just stop talking to me. Part of the issue was that I felt a little betrayed and very rejected. And part of the issue was that I had dated several men and out of the guys that I had dated, he was the only one that I was interested in and could have pictured myself having a relationship with.
But I was making progress. I was slowly forgetting about him. Then... One day three months later, my roomate and I were sitting in the living room watching television. I called a friend earlier and was waiting for her to call me back... My cellphone started to ring... And guess what? It was John.
Suddenly, everything that I had felt before, every hope that I had had came rushing back. I answered the phone and for the first time since we met each other in person, John and I talked just like we used to. At some point during the conversation, John asked me what I was doing that weekend.
I told him I didn't have any definite plans that weekend... And he asked if he could visit me. It wasn't necessarily a date. During the conversation he and I had established that we really missed talking to each other and agreed to "be friends." We were just going to hang out and he was going to stay at my apartment... And I was okay with that arrangement because I trusted him.
That weekend he drove over. He took me to dinner, and afterwards we went to a local bar to play a few games of pool. However, when we got there all the pool tables were occupied. We sat at a table in the pool room, waiting for one to become open... We have a few drinks, we start talking, and hours later realize that we had completely forgotten about playing pool at all. We decided to go back to my house and watch a movie.
We go back to my house and start watching the movie. I'm not going to give you all the gory details... But we ended up sleeping together. Big mistake. I knew it was a mistake even while I was letting it happen, but I kept telling myself that maybe this was my only chance to be with him.
The next morning we sleep in, wake up, piddle around my apartment for a few hours and then go to get something to eat. We come back to my apartment, watch the movie we were supposed to watch last night... And eventually, late in the afternoon, he leaves because I had a family function to attend.
I'm thinking that just because he wasn't speeding out of the driveway first thing in the morning... Maybe this is actually going to work out. Little did I know, that when I hugged him goodbye on my front porch that afternoon... That was the last time I was ever going to see him.
I tried calling him once or twice after that. He either wouldn't answer the phone, or he'd call me back just to talk for fifteen minutes and then invent some lame excuse to hang up. Again, I took the hint and stopped calling. I never heard from him again.
The whole point of that lengthy story was to illustrate what inconsistant behavior looks like, and to warn you about what can happen... Even when you think that he only has the best of intentions.
I can't give you anymore advice than I have all ready given you. I still stick to my original opinions. I think he's a flake, and he's a waste of your time. I wouldn't suggest pursuing him, but if you do... Be cautious. Remember the rules of internet dating...
1.) Do not give him personal information. Cellphone numbers are okay because their difficult to track, but don't give him a landline number or your address.
2.) If you meet, meet in a public place. Take your own car and insist upon driving yourself even if you have dinner and later decide to see a movie. Try to avoid being alone with him in a car.
3.) If you must stay overnight, make sleeping arrangements at a hotel. Don't tell him where you are staying or your room number. If his intentions are noble he doesn't need this information.
4.) Tell someone where you are going and who you are going to be with. Also give them an estimated time of when you will return. Leave your cellphone on incase they need to get in touch with you, and leave them with his cellphone number... Just in case. If you're plans change and your estimated time of return changes as well, call that person and let them know what's going on.
To some people, these rules might seem excessive. But you have to remember the corny old addage, "Better safe than sorry." It's true, trust me. You might worry about what he has to say if you refuse to get in a car with him or tell him where you are staying. Just be honest. Remind him that the world is a dangerous place and that your responsibility as a modern woman is to take care of yourself. Trust me, if he cares about you at all, he'll respect that... And you.
Best of luck, dear. ;) (Sorry this was sooooo long.)
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It's kind of hard to judge. It seems like you both really want to get close, but you're cautious -- been hurt before? -- and there's a lot of (unintentional?) disapproval going back and forth.
You both want to do what's necessary to see if things will work, and to do what needs to be done, but I think you're accidentally hurting eachother a bit now.
And you have to understand, I can't give him advice. I haven't heard his side of the story, and I've only got you here to talk to, so it might not seem like I'm taking your side. I just want to give you things to work with.
Just be gentle, ok? And be honest. Tell him what you were worried about. Let him know what's going on for you. You don't have to feel ashamed of how you feel in any situation -- you have a particular speed you want in the relationship, you want a certain amount of acceptance and approval, you want a certain amount of emotional connection.
That's not bad, but neither are his feelings, and if they clash without good teamwork, that can lead to a bad situation. It'll never mean one of you is wrong or bad, it'll just be a big old mess.
So I'm going to stress repeatedly -- all over this site, to everyone, all the time, in almost all of my posts -- the most important thing is cooperation, teamwork, being compassionate and helping eachother.
It doesn't matter who is or isn't being silly. Unreasonable. Stupid. Immature.
What matters is how you can work together, and I know you can, because you came to a forum looking specifically to work with uninvolved third-parties to find a solution, because they wouldn't be upset about it.
You can work together.
You can fix anything.
It's just that you need to do it with him, and in order to do that, you need to open up in a certain way, and continue to give him the benefit of the doubt, even if he has a hard time for a while.
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