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Re: Disclosed my Sex-Life
Hey, thanks for the advice. I tried talking to him about it, but when confronted he kept saying he never did any of those things. He called me and a left phone msg saying he could "assure" me he never did that, and he was "sorry for hurting" me.
He felt so certain of himself that he gave me his log-in key for the site (it's basically an all guys site where half the things they talk about ARE porn)and told me I wouldn't find anything there. He kept demeaning my opinion, saying I must of have read it wrong, etc. I told him this would be easier if he'd just fess up and stop feeding me crap because I know what I saw.
Lo and behold, I find the exact page and send it to him. Instead of apologizing, he gets ANGRY at me, saying I have no right to be mad about him viewing such materials, and that he was "sarcastic" when he made those sex remarks. He said he couldn't believe I'd think such things about him. But, it's right in front of me. Not to mention I found he was doing things like viewing pictures of Jenna Jameson, and 2 skinny chicks in G-strings on top of each other in sex positions (where he posted ours).
I love him but he's being a real ass. How can I show him that he's completely off base here?
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Hun, This guy is treating you like shit and you deserve way better than that. His pride is getting in his way of being honest with you and remember the old saying, "Pride precedes a fall.." That phrase applies here and is totally true. His pride is causing your relationship to fail. His best bet is to admit that he has done something wrong and promise to never do it again. But his biggest problem is that he would rather lie his way to convince he wont do it, than admit he is wrong and wont do it again. Many guys are like this. My fiance is like this. He is always used to picking up the blame for everything, so his defense mechanismn when something goes wrong is to act like he never did anything and blame shift. The pride this guy has is really not pride in himself or self-assurance, but actually a self-esteem issue. He doesn't want to go out and say, "Look baby, I did do that and I was wrong. I didn't think it would hurt you and I am sorry." Those words would be something you would love to hear, but unfortunately I doubt he will be saying them.
Now it puzzles me that he actually gave you the log in. If he thought you wouldnt find it then that is why he gave you access, but you did find it, so that explains his angry response. He got nervous with your reaction and tried to cover it up. This caused him to over-react. But please remember that his way of apologizing is just forgeting it happened and moving on. But you seem to be an analyzer. You analyze a situation and try to understand why. I am like this as well. I want to understand why he did it and fix it, while he would rather say nothing and fix it by never doing it again. Those opposing views on how to solve a problem are hard to combine, because they are on complete opposite spectrums. But there is a way to solve this.
When you guys talk, who tends to get angry first? I am guessing he does right? Well when you talk to him, your tone and words can affect his reaction. Hopefully when you told him you found this and confronted him, that you were mature and calm (no matter how hard that would be to do.)But sometimes it doesnt matter how you say things. This situation could be one of those. What you need to do is tell him this:
"Baby, I love you with all my heart and I am sorry for bringing this up with you, but I want us to be able to be honest and talk to eachother. So please listen to me when I tell you this. I am bothered by the porn and by the fact that you got on this website. It makes me feel completely sickened because I feel like an object to you. I know you dont want to say you did that but I know you did, so please dont lie to me. Just promise me it wont happen again. I would bend over backwards for you, and I hope you would do the same. If you know that porn and discussing our personal life bother me, you should care enough to try and meet my wishes or atleast talk with me about it without getting angry."
Now if he does get angry, leave the room. This will let him know you are serious about talking, and it will give him time to think things through. Now if he isn't willing to change his ways (note: It might take him a while to change so give it time), then end things. It will be hard but like I said before, never EVER clean up his mess. Just be there to HELP him, not do it for him. He got himself in this, so he needs to be mature and fix it.
Now me and my fiance have had our issues with women and men. We are both very jealous and when he watches TV I get mad when I see him watching a show with girls flashing or acting like porn stars. He is the same way with guys. He knows it bugs me so when it comes on he changes the channel. Now would he watch it when I am not around? I dont know, but I wouldn't be surprised. He is a guy and guys love women. Truth of the matter. But the fact that he wouldn't look at that when I am there because he respects my wishes, or when we go to car shows, he won't go with his buddies and watch the women strip at the bikini contest and wet t-shirt contests helps add so much more trust to the relationship.
This may sound perfect to you, but we have been together for over 2 years. It took a LONG time for us to fix our differences and learn how to really talk to eachother without fighting and getting angry everytime we disagreed. Another thing I learned, when a guy looks at another girl, online or on TV, it is like a fantasy. Does he really want that girl? No, she is fake, an actress, and virtual thing on a screen. He can't access her or have her come over. But it still made me feel like it was cheating when he would look at those things. Just like I felt if he went to a strip club. It would make me feel dirty, because how do I know when he was getting intimate with me, if he was thinking of me or these other women? Exactly, I didn't. But sometimes it is better to not analyze every situation and detail.
Remember, he loves you and try to understand that. If he really wants you to be there for him he must sacrifice some of the things he does, porn watching is one of them. That is what true love is. Being willing to make choices to better your partners wants and needs. So if he isn't willing to change, decide whether he really is truly trying his best to make you happy. If you decide he isn't, than it is time to kick him to the curb. But not all guys are like this. Some will change. My relationship is a great example. So take your time and give him time to make an effort to change first. I hope I helped you hun. Note me back if you want and let me know what happens. Just remember to be patient for change takes time :)
Now my fiance had something to say as well so I hope you don't mind his insight either (being that he is a guy and his advice might help):
if he cares about you he wouldnt do this because if i did this to my fiance she would kill me and i would probebly be single so this is what you do. you tell him either to stop it or you are going to find someone who cares about you and will treat you right. that is how i feel about your situation. a guy should never make you feel horrible. he should want to make you happy and change his ways. i havent always been perfect but she stuck by me and gave me many chances i didnt deserve. if you think he is worth it than try and give him a chance. but if he doesnt change let him go because he didnt try to make you happy, and you should always be happy with who you love. hope i helped you too.
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