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cutting
i cut. how did you stop. i try to stop i wouldnt cut for like a day but then i do again. how do i stop.
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It was really hard for me to stop cutting myself, but I got through it because of my family, and my friends & most importantly: music.
My family basically yelled & screamed at me for it, but some of my family members were there for me, and tried to help as much as they could. Them just being there, and trying to help out, was nice. And when I saw how much it hurt them, I tried stopping. Plus, I was ruining my body. My scars are still horrible, and I'm ashamed of it everyday of my life. I wear hoodies even if the summer because I'm so ashamed of my arms. There are scars EVERYWHERE, and it looks horrible. I can't wear normal things throughout the year because I know someone's gonna say something, or someone's gonna judge me. I don't care what people think about me, but it still hurts when someone makes a rude comment about it, or calls you a name.
My friends basically helped me throughout everything. The only person I can really say helped me the most throughout it all was my ex boyfriend Brandon, and my friend Katina. Brandon also used to cut, so when I would do it, he would do it back to make me see how it felt when someone I loved hurt themselves. As for my friend Katina, she told me that if I didn't stop, I was eventually going to die. And she cried when she told me that [as did Brandon]. They both were hurting because of something I'd done. And to see someone hurting because of me made me wanna die even more. I didn't wanna hurt them anymore, so I eventually worked my way up to it. It took me a while to not go for my razor, or my scissors, or my glass [basically whatever I was using at the time]. But it was well worth it.
Music played & still plays a really huge part in my life. When I was cutting, I'd listen to music. Most times it stopped me from doing anything to myself, but I'd sometimes give in. When I met some of my favorite bands, they saw my arms & asked me if I still did it, and I told them no, because it was their music that stopped me. And to see their faces, and their reactions from what I had told them, was just amazing. They told me that they were happy that their music stopped someone from killing themselves. And that they're happy they helped a person to keep living. To this day, I still get the urges to cut, but whenever I feel like doing it, I turn my favorite band on & just listen to them, and I can just remmeber how flattered they were that they impacted my life in such a way, and I stopped because of them, my family & my friends.
When you cut, you may think it's helping you, but all you do is bleed. At the time, you think "Oh, my problems are going away, and I don't feel anything anymore, this is so awesome." But really, when everything is done, your problems are still there, and sometimes a lot worse. And when you see what it does to you, it makes you wanna die. I mean, waking up each day for me is hard because I know I have to go another day with a constant reminder of all of my scars, and everything I've done. It sucks to have to remember those times & want to go back & tried not to start up. If I regret ANYTHING, cutting myself would be it. With all the people I've hurt, and all the scars I've got, I feel horrible about it. But there's nothing I can do to change it.
And I'm glad I stopped. I mean, whenever I think about it, I get so scared to do it because it's like "I could cut right now, and die." It's taken me a lot of counseling, a lot of family impact, a lot of friends who cared, and music to help me stop. And hopefully those things can help you to stop too. Because when you die, [whether accidentally, or on purpose] that's it. There is no coming back. And everyone you love will be so hurt, and so confused as to why you did it. And there's so much guilt & regret for them. They get these thoughts like "Was it because of me? Why didn't I stop her? I could've helped her, but I ignored it because I thought she was okay." All of those thoughts just flood them like a river, and then what? Hurting someone is probably the worst thing you can do. And it's just horrible to hurt someone. I never wanna see anyone ever hurt because of me ever again. It's the worst feeling in the world.
And I also realized I had a lot to live for, and whether I realized it or not, it was there. I could be anything I wanted & make a ton of money, or have happiness. If I killed myself, there would be so many things left unsaid, and undone. I would never get married, never graduate highschool. I'd never get a career, & never be able to hang out with my friends again. I'd miss out on so much. No matter what you think, or what you've convinced yourself, you can do ANYTHING you want. Anything at all. You can be an astronaut, you can fly, you can be a lawyer & help put criminals away. You can be a scientist & find the cure for AIDS, or cancer. You can be a counselor & help people just like you. You can create clothing or music that people will love. You can do anything you want, but that's only if you stay alive. You're capable of anything. Don't listen to the people that put you down, or tease you. You're better than them, and you always will be. Just believe in yourself, and tell yourself what you can do. And it can happen.
I really hope I helped, because I don't wanna see someone die over a stupid thing like cutting. Live your life, love your friends & do whatever you want. Life is short, and it's taken a lot for me to realize that.
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