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Heeey... Uhm?
Heyy I saw that you have answered over a thousand questions so I decided to come to you about this.
I know it's kind of weird and if you don't know what to say you don't have to reply.
I was molested by a family member of mine when I was little. I don't remember what happened at all and I've questioned my sexuality since I was 11 or 12 years old.
I've been afraid of penis' since I started fooling around with guys at 13.
I don't know what it is but unless I'm "under the influence" I can't muster up the guts to go down on my most current boyfriend.
Now, I've done it before but every time there's a new guy involved, I freak out.
I really feel like I'm being selfish to my boyfriend. I've also talked to my sister and him about it, but it just seems like there's nothing anyone can say to make me feel better about the whole thing.
What in the world should I do?
It's not that I don't want to please my boyfriend, it's just that I'm afraid and I don't know what I'm afraid of.
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I think that whatever answer you're looking for won't be found on this website. That's a really tough thing to go through and I'm grateful that you're able to tell someone. I'm glad you were willing to come to me, but I'm not the person you should be seeking advice from. I'm 16 years old and the only thing I can tell you with full honesty is that you need to seek professional help.
I'm lucky, I've never experienced anything like what you have. The worst heartbreak I've felt was a messy breakup and the death of friends, which, don't get me wrong, are horrible things to go through, but in my mind they hardly compare to being forced into a sexual relationship by someone close to you. If I would have been in that situation, especially by a family member I don't know what I would do. I'd probably feel the same way you do. I wouldn't want to be with anyone, especially not in a sexual way.
I can't really tell you what you're afraid of. I'm sure I know, but it's not for me to decide. Have you forgiven this family memeber? Do you even want to? Do they really deserve your forgiveness? That's for you to decide. But no matter how little you remember, it still happened and it's going to be with you forever. You need to find a way to be able to put this in the past. Not to forgive and forget, I don't think you should ever forgive and forget anything. You're probably better of seeing a psychiatrist and learning ways to cope with what happened and to be able to further your relationship with men in a healthier way. It's really bad to fool around when you're "under the influence" as you put it. You shouldn't feel pressured to please him in a physical way anyway. Especially not after what has happened in your life. If he truly cares about you then he'll wait until you're ready. You shouldn't get drunk or high or anything of the such to please someone, even if that's not the only reason for you getting that way.
Anyway, I'm glad you came to me, but I can't really be of much help. My advice to you is to see a psychiatrist. If you can't afford one, then just explain your past to your boyfriend and tell him you're not yet comfortable. I really hope everything works out okay and that somehow you can get past what has happened to you.
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