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How do I regain trust?
This is sort of in continuation of my other question.
I have had issues with abandonment, trust, and paranoia in my relationships for a long time. In turn I act in irrational and decietful ways, setting booby traps to try and catch anything dishonest or unfaithful about them. I always seem to look for the bad in people when I don't mean too. These are my desperate attempts to try and keep people around, but in turn it just makes people run from me. I am trying to change because I don't want to be this way anymore.
Anyway my question is how do I show my x-gf substantial evidence that I have changed? How do I prove it to her? She refuses to date me in fear of getting hurt again. No matter how much I apologize and promise to not do it again, she still closes her heart to me. I take responsibility for that.
So, yeah how do I show her my progress? How I show her that I trust her? and have changed? Do you have any ideas?
Thank you.
Emily.
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Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
If you have been deeply hurt in the past, particularly if this was by people who were responsible for you (such as parents, etc), it only makes sense you would react this way. I don't think you need to judge yourself so harshly.
If you were taught that love is something you can't trust, that people will leave you, that people who say they love you will hurt you - of course you would try to test any people that come into your life.
The thing is, when we're kids we develop great coping skills to allow us to survive. Yours might have been being really aware of anything in other people that might hurt you. This might have been a way to keep yourself safe. But many times, the way we cope as children becomes unhelpful as we get older - and sometimes destructive.
It's difficult to break patterns. And if your actions have caused problems with your ex, it is understandable she might feel wary of entering into a relationship with you.
The thing is, we can't force other people to take us back, to understand why we act like we do, to change their minds. After all, other people come with their own patterns and histories. If you have twice hurt this person, and sincerely apologised, there isn't much more you CAN do. (I'm sorry to say.)
Trust is difficult for most people, and perhaps your ex just doesn't want to open herself to a perceived risk again. If she's unwilling, she's unwilling - you can't make her able to open up again, no matter how sincere you know you are.
It might be helpful to work on yourself, whether that means trying to sort out your emotions/behaviour, grieve for the loss of this relationship, or just open yourself to the possibility that you might be better suited to someone else.
Endings are so hard, particularly when you don't want an ending. Right now, all you can do is give your ex time and space - and realise that this is their choice to make.
I wish you the best.
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