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Sex, Spitting, and Repulsion
My dear boyfriend and I have been starting to get into s&m recently. Last night he tells me to open my mouth and shut my eyes and then HE SPITS IN MY MOUTH! Luckily I caught it before it got in my mouth. I washed my faced while letting off a string of expletives. He apologized. We finished having sex. He apologized some more. I kept bringing it up and he kept apologizing.
Recently I have been putting unnecessary guilt trips on him and now I notice and trying to stop. Which brings me to my question, how does one politely tell their partner that now they are revolted by the idea of sex with them due to an action they apologized for and said they never would do again (and agreed that if they do said action again, castration would even be reasonable)?
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Honey, get over it.
Seriously. Call me a bitch if you will but your boy did something spontaneous in bed. Spontaneity is a really good thing! Do you know how many people in this world have to BEG their partner to mix things up a bit and take some risks? He just happened to be waaaay off base on this particular action.
So he made a mistake, but to be revolted by the idea of sex with him because of it? That is your problem and your mistake. It is also overreacting big time. It's not as though you have never had your boyfriend's saliva in your mouth before.
I know what you are thinking right now: �¢??But that�¢??s the way I FEEL! You can't tell me my feelings are wrong." No, I'm not telling you the feelings are wrong, I'm telling you they are very harmful to the relationship and have no valid basis in reality. Responding to them by withholding sex is the wrong way to deal with your annoyance with your boyfriend. He has apologized and recognized his mistake. The right way to deal with these lingering feelings is to ignore them and get over it.
That is lesson number two in not using guilt to control and micro-manage your lover: get over yourself and ignore feelings that you have that are irrational and unforgiving of your partner. Refusing to have sex with him over that incident at this point would be petty, controlling and merciless of you.
If you two have are exploring your sex life sooner or later you are going to make a mistake as well. Think for a second how you feel if you were in your boyfriend's position and he rejected you over it or called the idea of sex with you 'revolting'. It would be crushing.
So don't mention your hesitance to your boyfriend and don't let your mind dwell on this anymore. Next time you two are starting to go at it, suggest something that you know you really like and focus on the good feelings.
EDIT: I'm a little confuzzled hun. Everything in your feedback basically said my advice was bang on. This is something you seem to know you need to work on and my advice was all about how to not make this an issue... Not making it an issue is COMPLETELY up to you and what you choose to do with you emotions.
I'm not suggesting you have sex when you aren't into it, I am suggesting you give it a shot and put a bit of effort into enjoying yourself.
Dealing with issues, espcailly when they come down to your emotions, takes a bit a work and means also giving things a fair try. I'm not sure how you and your boyfriend could have started exploring your kinks without realizing that sometimes you push your reservations aside and just give things a shot. Sometimes you find something that really doesn't work for you (like spitting apparently) and that's okay, you just don't do that agian.
I'm truly baffled that you seem to realize your reaction is neither fair nor completely justified but are still so displeased with my advice. I can only assume you really take issue with my tone and delivery. I hope you'll listen to my advice despite your 'entirely too emotional' responses and try to take control of your own emotions. Good luck.
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That is just... wow... that is just... what kind of sick mind would think of spitting in your mouth while having sex?!
Well, stop making him feel any more guilty (and probably embarassed) about it. But if he starts showing you he wants to have sex again or if he tells you he wants to, tell him, "Sorry, I don't feel like it." Don't tell him it's because of the spitting incident though.
If he asks you why, that's when you give him the honest answer, "I don't mean to hurt your feelings or anything, and I know you said you would never do it again... but I'm still grossed out about you trying to spit in my mouth so just give me time to get over it." Try not to be harsh
hope I've helped
-Jenny C
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