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What to do about a MAMA's BOY?
e has not had much experience when it comes to dating. The only other girl friend that he was ever had only lasted 12 hours. There were two other girls that he went on dates with but never actually hooked up with as a boyfriend. I was the first real girl friend he has ever had a relationship with but his parents have had a problem with every girl that he has dated, including me. The first time that I had noticed that they were going to be a problem was on weekend that I had stayed at their house with Mike. Mike went hunting and no one else was there but his mother and I. We were talking while he was gone but the next day Mike said i'll be right back. He was gone so long that I just assumed that he went to the store or something. He came back and he said that we needed to talk. His father had talked to him about me and told him about what I had discussed with his mother but everything was highly exaggerated. Another thing was that I had told his mother that I was going to have to get use to him being gone when he went to Afghanistan(he's in the Army) but some how that lead his father to ask him if we were engaged and he said that we were moving too fast. We had been together for 9 months. I tried to give the benefit of the doubt at first but I wondered how the things that I was saying was a big enough of a deal to go from me to his mother to his father to mike and back to me except the story was changed by the time it got back to me. I told him what had really gone on but he tried to assure me that it was his father that was up to that and making it a big deal but his father was not even home when the conversations took place so it must have been a big enough of a deal to be repeated in the first place.
I noticed very quickly that his mother was the kind of person who would act just as nice as could be when it was just the two of you but then once there was an audience she would be very rude. She seems to do this to everyone except for her husband and second son, whom Mike claims is the favorite. I also noticed that every time I saw her, she was always talking about how she told so and so off, usually about how they had done something unintelligent and she was smarter than them or how dumb someone else was.
Later on in our relationship as I had gotten to know his family better, they continued to stretch or shrink the truth about something that I had said or did and then his father would fuss at Mike about it.
His mother seemed to lighten up on the rudeness when she found out that I was pregnant however did not stop with talking bad about me. I felt like my wedding day was ruined because at our reception his parents were complaining about how I was behaving with my side of the family(I was actually being my self because when I am around his parents I am usually quiet because of my learned lesson and because all they talk about is guns, the military,the weather, their jobs, and people that I don't know) and told Mike that he needed to fix it. Mike would make a point to make sure that I got near his parents enough for them to hear him fuss at me. I calmed down some just to be nice but it still wasn't enough. He just kept taking me "aside"(which means near his parents) to fuss about my behavior. I got mad. We ended up fighting when it was just him, the photographer and I. He said that his parents were fussing about it but that he was sorry because he agreed with me about how I should be aloud to be my self at my own wedding reception but once the pictures were done he started back with the fussing in front of his parents. This bothered me so much. Not only did my new in-laws not like me, but I got into a fight with my husband on our wedding day at the reception! My behavior was unacceptable but it was okay for his parents to bring cases of beer to my dry wedding and for his father to leave 4 beer cans under his seat from the wedding ceremony! Not only that but made what they call a "Better than Sex Cake" and tell everyone, including children the title of the cake. I feel that they should have just called it a cake and that their behavior at my wedding and reception was inappropriate. Not only that, but even when planning the wedding, there were a few things that I had suggested that he didn't like but once his mother suggested it, it was a great idea. I didn't even get to have the kind of wedding that we had always talked about because he was too afraid of what his parents would think.
Now we have been married for 5 months and his parents were constantly trying to pry into our marriage and control how things were done between the two of us. They are also always criticizing the kind of wife I am however they have never came over here just to visit. The only times that they have ever been here was when they were bringing the rest of Mike's stuff from their house and his last living arrangement(the barracks) and one time when his mother gave me a ride to the doctor but she was only inside for a minute when she came to pick me up. His father only came over once when they were bringing stuff over so how could they possibly know how good or bad of a wife that I am? When we go to their house or when Mike talks to them on the phone they are always criticizing me for something, even if they have to turn nothing into something by making something that wouldn't normally be bad into terrible or making something up. Mike says that his father is the only one that does it but his phone is so loud that I can hear what is being said on both ends, even if I am not even right next to him. Sometimes he likes his father but sometimes not but of course he is in love with his mother because she's "perfect".
He kept telling me not to say anything because he was scared that they would get mad but I could not take it anymore. He had just told me another lie that his mother had told about me(she always says that I did or said something that is a lie when I see her and Mike is not around) and was criticizing me to Mike over the phone. This time he had finally told me that she had said it. I think it was the first time. But I couldn't hold it inside any longer, I had to confront them. I was going to call her but Mike refused to listen to the conversation and I didn't want him to be hearing more lies so I decided to text message her so that I could have proof of exactly what I said. At first I was going to be pretty rude about how they need to mind they're own business but Mike told me not to say that so I erased that. He told me to just ask them what they're problem with me is and that's exactly what I did. I text messaged her from my phone but instead of texting me back, she called Mike's phone and fussed at him because I asked her that but once he started talking to me, I could tell that he was on the phone with her because he started acting like he was mad again because she could hear him, even though I did exactly what he told me to do. So he gave me the phone and I tried to be polite but she just kept being rude to me and saying that I needed to be more specific but almost every single sentence I tried to say, she would interrupt(which meant that she had an audience and was trying to act like I couldn't tell her what I meant and therefore, she would look as though she had done nothing wrong and I just wanted to fuss at someone.) and she kept saying that I was raising my voice when I was not. I finally started to be a less polite, not as mean as I wanted to be but not kissing the butt. I told her that Mike does tell me the bad things that they say about me(which actually he always claims that it was his dad even though I often over heard his mother doing it) and that it didn't matter how good or bad of a wife I am it's none of their business. That's pretty much all that I could say because his mother because she would not stop interrupting. Eventually his dad snatched the phone from his mother in the middle of her sentence and told me to let him talk to Mike. So his father fussed at him about how he needed to set me straight, be the man in the relationship and take control over me(but this was not the first time his father has ever said that to him). I kept asking to get the phone back but Mike wouldn't give it to me. His mom go back on the phone and talked more trash about me and he just acted like he was on their side and I was wrong for asking what the problem was and then for "being mean" to his mother even though he told me what to say. She got off the of the phone before I got a chance to talk again and he told me not to call back).
He just kept claiming that I was wrong and saying that I should have been polite. I said that he shouldn't tell me who was being rude and who was not when he was on the other side of the apartment because he didn't want to hear the conversation. He slipped up and said that he could hear some of what she was saying back that and I told him that it just confirmed that she was yelling. His phone is loud, but not loud enough to hear what someone else is saying on the other side of the apartment if the person is talking with a regular volume. But still, he continues to tell me how wrong I was. One day the next week, he finally said that I was right, that he does let them walk all over him and that he was going to put a stop to it but never really followed through. He keeps making it out like I am the one who doesn't want to work things out(the whole point of asking what their problem with me was was to understand what they thought I was doing wrong and to see their point of view.) but they have never called me or came by to try to work it out and I keep bringing that up. However he just keeps saying that it was only one time(which is more than they have ever tried) and that I needed to try more to work things out. To him, this is all my fault and I should just let them do whatever they want. It really frustrates me because he used to tell me to talk to them but stop me everytime I told him that I would. Now he is mad at me because I told him that he could spend Christmas with them but I am not going, I will be seeing mine instead. I do not want to get into a fight especially when his brother, sister, neices and nephews will be there but I cannot take any more of their control and criticisms. It is causing problems in our marriage but he does not seem to care.
So how can I get this mama's boy to see my point of view sometimes instead of him defending his mother like I just tried to kill her. He acts like she's God but it would be nice for my husband to not be against me sometimes.
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Bottom line is, your husband owes you support. If he continuously allows himself to be influenced (or bullied) by his parents and never takes your side, then he is a bad husband. To be brutally honest with you, I think it was a mistake for you to marry him.
As it now stands, your marriage is in jeopardy. It cannot last under these circumstances. If you want to save it, you will need to get into counseling and really work through this problem.
If you do decide to end it, then bear in mind that he and his parents have a history of bad-mouthing you or telling outright lies, and they will not hesitate to do so before a judge. If you suspect that a divorce is in your future, start documenting your side of things now. Keep a journal (obviously, make sure he doesn't find it!) and write down the occasions upon which he fails to support you or puts you down. Keep a record of how often his parents call and how much of the conversation is about what a lousy wife you've been. It will be painful, but it will also help your case. Get an attorney lined up for yourself now, if this is the path you intend to take.
Consider this: according to the timeline you've given above, there either is or soon will be a baby in the picture. If you think it's been tough having Mike and his parents loudly disapprove of you as a wife, imagine what it will be like when they start casting doubt on you as a mother. I can almost guarantee that your child will become a pawn in this game, so for his/her sake if not for your own, start taking steps to either save your marriage or end it. You will NEVER gain his parents' approval, and you can't go on this way.
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