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Further Question Regarding My Envy Toward My Boyfriend
Hope you still remember me. I'm the one who asked how to deal with my envy toward my boyfriend. ("I envy my boyfriend like hell.") Thank you so much for your answer. I thought about talking about the issue with my boyfriend. However, isn't envy kind of a sinful thing? What if my boyfriend would hate me for being such a envious person? What if he also knows that quote, "envy's true nature is the will to completely destroy the envied". He'd leave me if he ever knew that the envious part of myself wants to "destroy" him. I really don't want to lose his love. I've been hiding my envy from him, in case this bad personality trait of mine would make him think less of me. So outwardly, I pretend to "feel happy" whenever he accomplishes something grandiose, but inside my envy is killing me. I wish I could truly feel happy at his accomplishments some day. Since envy is considered a bad thing in society, I fear my boyfriend's reaction to the disclosure of my envy would be negative as well.
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Whether it's negative or not, its who you are. You say that "inside my envy is killing me". If you keep it in, you'll feel worse and worse and worse about it. So, in a way, letting it out some is a positive thing. If you hold it in, someday you'll just explode and express it negatively. Keep control of it or it will control you.
Maybe your boyfriend isn't the right person for you. You can never know until you let him see your true and full self. A significant other needs to be able to accept the good and bad things about you in order for the relationship to work. Just telling him about your feelings isn't going to do anything but bring you closer together. If you don't express your envy through actions, he's not going to think badly of you for any reason. If he does, he's not emotionally mature enough for relationships yet and you shouldn't be dating him. I think you'll be surprised at how understanding he'll be.
Most of the time we exaggerate our own problems into these huge crisises, when, in reality, it's not that big of a deal. The big deal is how you feel about your problem, not the problem itself. Your boyfriend can help you feel better about yourself if you share your feelings with him. Talking something over with someone else can solve so much. Its hard to do, I know, but it's usually the best option in any situation.
There's no denying that envy is a sin. What you need to do is stop thinking about sin. Whether it's a sin or not, it's who you are. Labels will only complicate things. Remember too, that it's not always so clear cut. I don't think that what you're feeling is pure envy. Envy is wanting what another has and finding pleasure in seeing them fail. You want to be happy for him, you're not rooting for him to fail. There is a big difference. There's not as much envy here as there is admiration with a twinge of jealousy. Admiration is a good thing. Jealousy isn't so much of a good thing, but everyone gets jealous to an extent. You're not overly jealous, and that's good.
I'm guessing that you are religious since you seem very concerned with sin. Don't let sin control your life. You're not going to live a sin free life. Don't get preoccupied with it. Be happy that you're a little envious instead of a serial killer. Enjoy the life that God has given you and remember that no matter what sin you commit, you can get forgiveness for it. God gave you the desires that you have, so it would seem a bit unfair for Him not to give you a way to get out of punishment for them wouldn't it? Right now you're being punished by feeling all this worry and fear. Along with talking to your boyfriend about this, talk to God about it. Pray. You'll get results.
Good luck :)
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