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jealousy's a bad invention..
i have built my life around one guy, and now im sooo obsessed that i've made him my eveything, so if i lose him, ive got nothing.. i don't know what to do.
Im jealous of every girl that's ever meant anything to him, even if they've lost touch now.. i envy every girl he's looked at with "those eyes" every girl who's made him laugh, every girl he's ever been close to. and i can't become one of those girls because he lives on the other side of the planet.. i'll see him this christmas, but there's no way i can make myself mean more than all those girls in just a weeks time.. or is there?? how do i make sure that i mean so much to him that he'll NEVER EVER forget me, never ever replace me, and never ever get over me? is there any key-thing to do that will guarantee i'll touch him so deeply that he'll always think about me, and no matter how many girls he dates..i'll always be in the back of his mind.. i just want to make sure that someday, we'll be together. forever. I NEED TO MARRY HIM AND BE WITH HIM FOREVER. But i only have one week this christmas, so i need to make that one week last for about 2 years (when i can possibly move to his country.. and we can start something) i need to make sure that if he suddenly gets a girlfriend, and she lasts for these 2 years, when i get there..he'll end it with her because that one week with me meant more than 2 years with her-- i need to be his one and only.
but how?
please don't tell me to sleep with him.
i dont think im ready.
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I am glad to hear that you admit to this as being obsessed. Love and obsession are very different, almost opposites. Love is about giving and feeling good about giving even if you never get back, it is unselfish. Obsession comes from fear of losing and fear of being incomplete without that something or someone you think you must have and own. It is completely irrational to think you can have so much control and power over his past, present or future. Somewhere deep down, you already know this. Living in a fantasy world can be comforting in the short-term, but devastating in the long-term. You already think you have nothing without him, and basically that will translate as neediness to this and every other person as a sign they should run for their lives before being latched onto and sucked dry. What do you have to offer to the world or to another person? If you want your time with him to be special, then you need to stop making it a test of your worth. He needs to see that you are a person who can stand on her own, and not a needy weak person who will try to control his life. Chances are that if you suddenly got to spend a year with this guy and were not separated by distance, the fantasy would end sooner, because you would be faced with the daily reality of him which can never live up to your fantasy. I know what it is to be on both sides of an obsession, and it is not a good or healthy thing for either person. You need to go back into your own reality and discover that you are worthwhile and loveable with or without any other person to validate you. This is difficult if you come from a family background of criticism or neglect, but all of us must learn to love ourselves no matter who did or did not love us first.
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