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How much is too much in a relationship?
I am 18/f. I have been dating a guy for 2 years. But it has been a really rocky relationship. He has lied to me quite a few times, he went through a lot of trouble with drugs (he swears up and down that it is never going to be an issue again but I dont know if I believe it considering he has sworn that so many times). Recently after we had a big fight, I broke up with him. That night he went out with some other girl. He is now telling me that he loves me more than anything, and cant imagine not having me in his life. We have broken up a few times and every time he gets me to go back out with him. We are happy until something big happens and then we go through this all again. I cant bring myself to stop talking to him. I really dont know what I need to do. What should I do? Should I end things for good, if so how do I do that? How do I stick to it? Thanks.
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Your story REALLY hits home for me in pretty much everyway. Before I go ahead and give you my opinions and advice on all of this, I realize that ultimately the final choice is going to be soley up to you, but I hope my words can help guide you into the direction best for you. With that said: Two years at 18 is a pretty substantial relationship. In a lot of ways, that's good. You shouldn't regret having the experiences you have had with your boyfriend because they have helped to shape and mold you into where you are today. Relationships are based on communication, trust, and HONESTY. With infidelity, betrayal, or lying of any form about ANYTHING, you risk jeopordizing the relationship. You are probably never going to trust your boyfriend again the way you use to--not because you aren't forgiving--but because, you aren't naiive in that sense anymore. Drugs are a big deal; that's a given. The fact that he has quick is good. But you're right--he could EASILY go back to it. Drugs are a bigger beast that sometimes one person can't tame. The fact that you are even writing this now shows that deep down you know things aren't the way they should be for y'all to be having a healthy, lasting relationship. Love and relationships are meant to lift you up and embrace you, not drag you down. You have to ask yourself, is this what the relationship is doing for you? And, if you a had a daughter, would you like for her to have a boyfriend like yours and be in the position you are? Chances are, NO. Think about it. Sometimes we let ourselves settle. Not because we don't think we can do better, but because we make excuses for the people we are in a relationship with because we want SO badly for things to just be alright. The fact that things with y'all go really well for awhile in a sense gives you major false hope. Not knowingly, you are probably latching on to those good times and just tolerating the bad. The fact that he went out with another girl shortly after you broke up with him shows MAJOR disrespect. If he loves you so much and cares about being with you and making things work, then why isn't he at home crying or trying to think of a way to fix not only what he did but ALL his problems. After 2 years, he knows you well enough to tell you exactly what he knows you want to hear. And, you believe it. Not because you are dumb, but because it makes you feel better. Anyone would act the same way. The whole talk of him not being able to be without you is--BULL. If he REALLY felt that way, he'd take a step back and go to rehab or some kind of outreach program. He would work on his characteristic flaws that make him treat you the way he does--overall, he'd get his act together. Now, I'm not saying he doesn't have good qualities. If he didn't, you certainly wouldn't still be around. And I am sure you have made mistakes too, but the majority in this case is probably him. Unhealthy relationships can be addicting. You are being abused. Maybe not physically, but for sure mentally and emotionally. It's going to effect you with future relationship. In short, you need to give your boyfriend a choice: COMPLETELY get his act together, or you're gone. FOR GOOD. I know that's easier said than done, but there was a time when I thought I could NEVER breath without my ex, but I learned the more you don't let yourself give in, the stronger you get. If you end things with him, you can't just halfway do it. You need to cut off ALL contact. Ask your friends and family to help and support you. Take one day at a time. Don't feel bad for crying. But don't feel badly when you realize each day gets a little more easy. Instead of getting angry with your boyfriend--get angry with yourself. Respect yourself. Don't let some guy treat you wrong and take your pride or dignity. Dignity is one of the few posession we really have and too often we are willing to give that up. I know this was really long, but I hope in some way it has helped guide you. Just remember, you are only as strong as you allow yourself to be. Stand your ground. Even if you do completely break up, maybe in awhile the two of you can get to a place where you'd be okay with him as a friend. If not, that's okay too. And if he completely changes and proves worthy again, then give him a chance if you want. There is breaking point--ultimately it's up to you to decide when enough is enough. But don't ever sacrifice who you are for whom others want you to be. And don't accept things you know in your heart aren't right. :)
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