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So much drama...
Just a warning, this is gonna be really long.
So if you're afraid of long-winded questions, stop reading and keep scrolling.
Thanks in advance if you're still looking at this.
Okay, the basics: I'm 18/f. My boyfriend and I "broke up" like a month ago. But we're still fooling around and have kinda turned our relationship into a friends with benefits deal.
The thing is, near the end of the relationship something in him changed and he, to put it bluntly, turned into a complete asshole.
He has this character that he plays when he's around people. The character's a cocky asshole, and he like, lost the line between himself and his character and turned into the character.
He and I talked about this whole friends with benefits thing once, and he said that he just didn't want a relationship right now, and I said I didn't either, and he said he didn't believe me.
I told him I didn't want a relationship because the him I wanted to be with didn't exist anymore, and it really upset him. He called me later that night and just bitched to the point that I almost couldn't get a word in edgewise for about 5 minutes. He sounded like me when I'm hurt by something he says. In the middle of the conversation, he said something like "I still care about you, I still have feelings," or something. I really wish I could remember the context of that, but I know he said it. It kinda took me by surprise, but I knew...just like I knew he loved me before he said it. I could see it in his eyes.
Every time I mention something about him changing he gets really defensive and tries to like, kick me out of his life. He always apologizes and says he didn't mean it, though, and makes an effort to keep me where I am in his life.
Another thing, since we've broken up he keeps saying things like "there's no saying we won't get back together in the future," which makes me think this is just a hiatus, and that as soon as this identity crisis he seems to be having is over, he'll want to get back together.
One reason we broke up is that he was never happy with my body, and neither was I, but in the end that doesn't seem to be a major reason, since we're still fooling around.
Sometimes he says and does things like we're still in a relationship. Like we went out for coffee awhile ago and I made origami cranes and he was like, running the wing up my leg and all this stuff...and I was just gonna hug him the other day and he went and kissed me. He still flirts with me, and the way he looks at me hasn't changed since we broke up. I still see love in his eyes and feel it in his touch, which is part of why this is so hard.
Once we were talking on line, and he said "wish me luck" and I was kinda patronizing him, and said "Good luck, dear =P" or something, and he said something like "You never used to say dear. You used to always say love." I called him "Love" like as a pet name, sort of thing...and I said "I didn't think you'd want to hear that now," and he said "I wouldn't mind."
But then, sometimes he just acts like such an asshole I don't know what to do. Like the other day he was in pain and felt crappy, and actually said "I just wanna lay around and possibly cuddle something or someone," which was a blatant hint, so I took the bait and said "I can come over for awhile after I work out." So we decided on that, but then he was napping, and then he went out to dinner with his brother - he invited me, and sounded like he wanted me to go, but I had no money so I declined...by the time I got there it was like 11. We chilled for awhile, watching movies and whatnot. He and I were touching somehow the whole time, but the closest we got to cuddling was at the end of the night, when he was taking up the whole couch, and I like leaned on his knees, and kinda wound up laying on my back between his legs and he had his arms kind of around me for a few minutes. I pointed out that he wanted to cuddle, and then didn't, and he was like "I was content without the cuddling, so it wasn't really an issue." Which is not the meanest thing, granted, but it's selfish...
Anyway...
I want him to realize what he's turned into. I want him to see what's wrong here and I want him to fix it, and I don't know how. I feel like this fwb is a bad idea, and it'll only make him think that he doesn't have to be in a relationship with me to be with me...I want him to value me more...but the thing is I don't want to be in a relationship with who he is right now.
So I really don't know what to do. I want him back...technically I never lost him, but I want him back as my boyfriend. Don't say "move on", please - I'm not going to. I've never connected with anyone the way I still do with him, and I don't want to lose it.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I won't tell you to move on. Move on! Oops I lied, but you don't mind liars, right? ;) You KNOW that you don't want this asshole and yet you can't pull yourself away from what you wish he could be. That my dear is denial. You get that he is extremely selfish, stringing you along just enough to get what he wants, and you accept this disrespectful treatment. Why? You can't get from him or anyone else what you won't give yourself first. I am talking about respecting yourself, valuing yourself, loving yourself. You don't actually buy that crap about still seeing love in his eyes and feeling it in his touch, do you? He does not love you. Love is putting someone else's needs above your own. Love is about honest respect and trust and friendship. You have something different with this boy. He uses you, disrespects you, manipulates you and you take it willingly and beg for more. He does NOT have an identity crisis. He knows who he is and gets what he wants. You are the one confused by a fantasy of who you wanted him to be, before you actually got to know him. He did not change. You got to know him more over time. That is why you need to wait to get involved physically and emotionally with someone, until you really know them. You have a very unhealthy idea that he is the best you can get. I won't tell you to move on, but you need to move up.
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this is a weird situation because love is a whole lot more than most people think. there's a lot of sayings that do go with this situation. love is only half the battle. meaning for some couples, love isn't enough. it takes time & effort to make a relationship work. if you truly love him, you can deal with his character changes because you know the real him inside. it is important how he acts towards you, so if he acts differently around his family/friends, there's not much you can do. he shouldn't act mean towards you & if he does, then he might not care as much as he says. maybe he does truly care, but can't express his feelings like you can. he seems to be going back & forth. if that is really happening with his emotions, it would probably be a bad idea to get into a relationship. also, if he says "oh we can get back together eventually", you don't know if hes dragging you along, hoping to not hurt your feelings, which is really making it a lot worse, or really wants to try later on. basically, you need to sit down & talk to him about all of these things. maybe even show him your question you asked to us. if you can share this with complete strangers [not saying its a bad thing], why couldn't you with the person you love?? really, he needs to know this & then you guys can decide what would be the best.
-hope that helped!♥
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