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confidence
i've read a lot of your advice and i like what i hear so i thought that you could help me. i always hear people saying that guys like girls who are confident. but the problem is that i am really really shy. so what can i do to become more confident with myself?
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I got this stuff from websites so here's some good ways to be more confident. [Link](Mouse over link to see full location) [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
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1. Follow your strengths. Self-confidence comes from being the best “you” possible. It doesn’t come from trying to be someone else. It is the result of following paths like these:
• Do what comes naturally.
• Develop your talents.
• Follow your convictions.
You see, if we just use a synonym for confident, the way becomes obvious. One of its synonyms is “certain.” And it is true that you feel confident wherever you have a lot of certainty. Think about it. For a teenage boy who wants to talk to a girl he likes, he may feel very awkward and not confident at all. But if he knew a lot about computers, and she was having a problem with a computer and asked his help, he could help her and feel confident doing so. Why? Because he would know what he was talking about. People feel confident when they are certain.
Therefore, wherever you would like to feel confident, develop more certainty about it. And I don’t mean an attitude of certainty, I mean to develop real honest-to-goodness, actual certainty.
If, for example, you have to get up and speak to a group next week and you don’t feel confident about it, start working to develop some degree of certainty: Talk to the people you need to talk to and find out who will be there and what they are expecting, and then prepare thoroughly. The more you prepare, rehearse, talk about what you will say to your friends, make notes, do research, the more certain you will be and the more confident you will feel.
As another example, a shy person might feel a lack of confidence meeting new people. When she’s introduced, she feels like running away. This is very common. Why? Because a new person is — by definition — unknown. Our shy person is not certain about anything except the person’s name (and if she is too distracted by her nervousness, she’ll quickly lose her certainty about that too).
It is becoming clear that building self-esteem isn't just silencing the unreasonable internal critic, accepting your faults, and emphasizing your good traits. The healthy, confident, efficacious person assumes responsibility for his/her life. The self becomes a change agent, a self-helper. The task is to realize the self-improvements you could make, to know how to make changes, and to feel confident about your self-help ability. And...
Coopersmith (1967) suggested that high self-esteem requires two things: setting high goals and some success in reaching your goals. In other words, you must DO SOMETHING. Contrary to popular opinion, self-esteem in children is not related to good looks, being tall, mother being at home, and social or economic status of the family. Kids who like themselves had parents who set high standards (yes, expected politeness and housework, not "do your own thing"), showed respect for the child (democratic decision-making where everyone is heard) and showed love (not necessarily overtly but in terms of caring about "how things are going"). You can't change the past but you can talk to yourself. You can say such things as "don't be lazy just because you were pampered as a child." You can DO SOMETHING!
If you assume responsibility for improving your life, if you learn to have more control over your life, and if you put in time and effort on good causes, you will like yourself better and others will admire you. So, in a sense, all self-help enhances self-esteem. Conversely, self-esteem facilitates self-help (Bandura, 1977b). For instance, good students feel responsible for doing well while poor students blame teachers, the school, or the tests (Coleman, 1966). Chapter 6 gives several specific suggestions for countering feelings of inferiority. At the very least, ask yourself "what do I fear doing that I would like to do?" Then imagine overcoming that fear and make plans to develop these skills.
Think of it this way. In addition to getting better at what you are doing now, i.e. in your current life style, you might need to diversify. For example, when a person specializes or concentrates too intensely, as some say "putting all your eggs in one basket," there is a risk of feeling and being adequate in only one way. (Perhaps persons who feel inadequate tend to find a niche and stay there.) For instance, a mother devotes herself exclusively to raising the family but feels useless and lonely when the nest is empty; a secretary devotes her life to her job but realizes in her 50's that she has given up too much for $1000 a month; a manager works 70 hours a week but finds out later that his efforts and the programs developed were not really appreciated; the athlete who is a star in high school or college discovers he has no career skills and few are impressed with his previous stardom. Perhaps all of us need several ways to feel good about ourselves, ways to further build our self-esteem and to prepare for the future. Make sure your life goals are ethical and an expression of your true self.
STEP SIX: Write a list of your more important positive traits. Repeat them frequently with feeling.
Many of us are afraid to brag, even to ourselves. But we need to know our strengths. Make a list of your good traits, using the list of positive and negative characteristics from step 3 (also include the strengths you added to your list of weaknesses). Make the list as complete as possible. What good traits do your friends, your parents, your teachers, your idols have? Do you have some of those traits too? If so, add them to your list. No one needs to see your list, put down everything you like about yourself, everything that is good. If you have difficulty thinking of positive traits, this may mean you have an overwhelmingly severe critic. Ask your friends for suggestions.
Write several simple positive statements about yourself. Examples: "I care for my family and friends; I'm loving and giving" or "I'm fun to be with, people enjoy me" or "I'm a serious student preparing for life." Repeat statements like these, which are true of you, several times a day, perhaps followed by a reward. Put your positive traits on cards and stick them up where you will see them often. When relaxing, spend 10 minutes thinking about specific incidences in which you were good in the past and fantasize about situations in which you could use your good traits again in the future. All of these methods accentuate your positive features. What is most important is that you remember the positive when the internal critic attacks you.
• Express your own style.
2. Plan ahead. Many people are surprised to hear that self-confidence comes from something as ordinary as planning. But think about it; let’s say you are going on a job interview, almost always an anxiety-producing experience. When you are prepared, you feel more confident.
3. Take action. Confidence comes from taking action. Break your challenge down into small steps and take that first step, no matter how small it seems.
4. Study. The more you know about your subject, the more confident you will feel. In fact, the lack of self-confidence almost always stems from a lack of information. We’ve all had that sick feeling that we don’t fully understand what we are talking about.
5. Act the part. The following tips will help you begin to present yourself in a positive way.
• Find a role model. Look for someone who is already successful in your field. Observe him or her and identify for yourself what behaviors convey self-confidence.
• Look and act powerful. Watch people who create a powerful impression. It could be a TV anchor, a character in a movie, or a coworker. Imagine yourself behaving in a similar way. For an example, watch the movie Top Hat. Fred Astaire exudes confidence.
• Be aware of nonverbal behavior that detracts from presenting yourself with confidence. Ask for feedback from a trusted friend or watch yourself on videotape.
6. Rehearse for success. One of the most important ways to boost your self-confidence is by rehearsing important conversations and presentations. You can never be too prepared. These ideas will help you practice so that you really understand your subject:
• Manage your anxiety. Feeling anxious is normal when you are in a challenging situation. The key is learning to manage anxiety so it doesn’t paralyze you or diminish your effectiveness.
• Get organized. When your materials are prepared and well-organized, you will feel better about your ability to access them. Having information scattered in too many places makes you feel out of control and undermines your self-confidence.
7. Persist. Self-confidence is the result of a lot of hard work. The process takes time. It has been said that success is 99% persistence and 1% talent.
8. Enjoy your success. When you reach your goal, don’t forget to give yourself credit for working hard. Be proud of what you’ve accomplished. Here are some ways you can do this:
• Look in the mirror and say to yourself, “Good work. I’m proud of you.”
• Think of a way to reward yourself.
• Tell others about your success.
• Write yourself a letter or explore your accomplishment in your journal.
• Draw a picture expressing your achievement.
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