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Denying self denial?
Dear Krupple,
I have a somewhat foolish question to ask you. I've become quite good friends with a boy (for clarity's sake "Allen")over the past two years. He was -and is- in a lot of my classes , especially science ones, and so we became lab partners.
He is sarcastic and blatanly honest which ironically are two of the things I like best about him; he is also surprisingly innovative and deep. When I first met him, I had a bit of a schoolgirl crush on him but that quickly faded and I was fine with just being friends. We have sort of an odd relationship- we can talk about anything but we never hang out just to talk. It always starts out as doing something for school and then we digress and spend hours just chatting. He recently got a girlfriend and while I really like them as a couple I keep on thinking "Why couldn't it have been me?"
I feel like such a "green eyed monster" but the truth of the matter is, whenever I picture him kissing me I get nauseous (and not in the good way). I don't think that I covet the relationship that they have now, but that I'm fixated on the fact that I simply don't appeal to him.
I feel entirely mean and shallow because the source of my discontent seems to be solely that I wish that he would think I was attractive but at the same time not ask me out. While I do appreciate him as a person, I'm not foolhardy enough to think that we could ever sustain a romantic relationship. It sickens me to think I could be so superficial.
Am I in denial about being in denial or am I simply romanticizing the cliche of "falling for my friend"?
Sincerely,
Confused and Guilty
P.S. I'm sorry for the length of the question; I guess I just needed to get the story off my chest as much as get some advice for it. Thank you so much for lending an ear.
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Heya, I'm sorry it took me so long to reply.
Everybody likes to feel pretty and wanted. I think that because you use to like him and he never returned those same emotions, you felt like there was something missing. This was probably amplified when you saw him falling for another girl. I don't think it's selfish at all.
I had a girl who I liked and we were just friends, and then I got over her when I found another girl. What I'm saying is the feeling could go away eventually.
Perhaps your other fear is you'll lose him as a friend. I don't think you're romanticizing the scenario of falling for a friend at all. It seems to be a perfectly natural feeling that you're having, and it will probably go away before long.
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