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my mom is bitter because my dad is a jerk
ok here it goes -- my dad treats my mom like she's nothing! He yells, cusses..and so much more. I can't even count the amount of times he's called her worthless. And she can't do anything about it, because that's how it's always been in my culture, women have no say. Now this has caused alot of problems between me and my father, but that's not what I'm here to talk about now..now it's about my mom. Lately, I've noticed..it's been getting to her. She doesn't say anyting to him, but when he leaves...oh my. It can be like "sure, honey, I'll do whatever you please.." after he's said something rude to her. But the minute he walks out the door it'll be like "Sweetheart, tonight..sleep in my bedroom, so your father won't be able to find anywhere to sleep but the couch or somewhere else. And alot more. And I know it's stupid, but it REALLY hurts me. I cry alot about it because..he's turned my wonderful mom to..a miserable, bitter woman" She used to be such a good person, always wanting the best for everyone! And now, she just wants to harm and hurt my father. And it hurts. And I can't talk to them about it. What can I do? And for the record, my mom is a "shrink" and she keeps telling about her analyzations, like once..my dad was yelling at me and my brotehrs, and when he left she said "It's because of his childhood. His parents hated him, his siblings hated him..everyone hates him because when he was young he was always a very bad person who spoke rudely to people, and he was never loved..and blah blah blah, and that's why.." you know? And I don't want to hear that! It hurts ALOT to hear such things about my father, and to know how much my mom HATES him. And like, my mom has no friends, so I want to be there for her, no that I'm a teen, and I want to be someone she can talk to..I know she's doing it to release anger..but still it hurts. It's like the song "because of you - kelly clarkson" when I heard it, I cried all night. Because I totally understand, my mom is totally leaning on me, and she has no one else so I don't blame her, but still...have you seen the video for it? I can totally recognize! And I just don't know what to do!! PLEASE help me! ♥ thank you!
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I am so sorry and at the same time appallled for you.
There are two issues here that need to addressed. Your Dad should not be treating your Mother in this way, whether it is accepted in your culture or not. Women have exactly the same rights as men and should be treated with as much respect and love. Your Mum shouldn't be used as a verbal or physical punchbag for your Father but the decision to leave has to be one your Mother makes. You can try to talk to her about this and try to convince her to leave but trodden down women tend to be very defensive of their aggressive husbands when confronted, so you should expect this.
The other issue that needs to be addressed is the way your Mother talks to you about him. It's a very common mistake for parents to offload their anger and resentment at the other onto their offspring but in the long run, it is very emotionally damaging to the child in question because it puts them in the middle of a situation that they can't really get out of. You really need to speak to your Mum about this and tell her that although she doesn't get on with your Dad and you want to be there for her, she shouldn't be speaking so unfavourabley of him to you. Do stress you want to support her and if she is this miserable with him then she ought to leave but she can't keep offloading on to you. I don't want to offend you by saying this but you're just too young to have to deal with this and it is very difficult whatever your age.
Unfortunately, while you are still very young, there isn't a lot you can do to escape the situation, so you will need to find ways to get yourself out of the house, like sleepovers, an after school club or hobby. Something productive (I stress productive because too many young people in your position turn to things like cutting and I beg you not to do this)that helps to take your mind off things. Speak to a teacher about it, as they might be able to arrange for you to see a school counsellor, so you can talk to someone neutral about your problems. If things get worse or your fear you or your Mum might be in real danger, speak to a helpline. I'm afraid I don't know where you are from so I can't recommend one specifically, as I only know English helplines but please remember help is out there if you look for it. Don't suffer through this in silence.
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I know it really hurts to see your mom going through all of this with your dad but the truth is that you really have no say in what your mom does about these things.
If your mom decides that it's ok to let your dad talk rudely to her, then that is her decision. If she wants to make excuses for him by telling you how he was hated in his childhood, then she'll have to keep going until her excuse gets too old even for her. Believe it or not, your mom absolutely does have a say whether or not she wants to stay married with him and take his verbal abuse. This isn't a woman issue, it's your mom's issue.
Sure, he can call her worthless, but she can decide whether she's going to let him get away with it or not. And she's choosing to let him step all over her and get away with it.
You said that your mom is starting to react differently to your dad's verbal abuse and that's a good sign for you. She's finally starting to do something else about it and she will have to learn that he is not going to change one day. There is no doubt in my mind that you are bothered by what your mom is taking from your dad and I know it has to be hard to cope with. But, you have to worry about yourself too when it comes down to how you've been reacting to all of this.
In other words, if you were in your mom's shoes, you would want to know if your daughter was crying and disturbed by something that's going on. So I think you should talk to your mom about your concern with her and try getting some therapy or something from her. Try getting her out of the house more and make some fun plans with her so that you both can smile together and let her tell you that she's ok. You have to worry about yourself more than what's going on between your parents. Your mom has went through this with your dad a lot of times like you mentioned, so I think that she's used to the way he's putting her down. The way I see it, she's getting tired of being put down, so she's just reacting as if she's annoyed.
All you can do is see what happens and don't get mad at your dad just because of what happens between him and your mom. I fully understand that you hate the fact that he's called her so many names, but your his daughter and he loves you. A lot of parents make the mistake of fighting and calling names in front of their kids and that is the mistake your parents have made. A lot of parents call each other names, and if you hold that against them, it makes it look as if you are taking sides. You don't know what goes on between your parents and what they are really fighting about. So please don't side with a parent and ruin your relationship with your dad.
Being a bad husband doesn't exactly mean being a bad dad. Parents get divorces and they still see their kids because they love them so much and it happens because things don't work out sometimes.
-TheTeenGirl
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Hey if it gets worse and your father begins hitting you, I'd go to the police ok? If you need anyone to talk to if you have AIM feel free to IM me ok? My screen name is DirtJumperKelley. I hope you the best luck and your in my prayers
Kelley
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