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Does she need some time to recover?

Question Posted Tuesday April 25 2006, 10:05 pm

(Just to keep you informed, during the last few weeks I've discovered an ugly truth, which is that she was infatuated with another)

This is a situation that involved four people and we are all mutual friends. Two guys (including me) and two girls. For about a year and 2 months I've cultivated a genuine interest in this woman. All the while the other guy was talking to her as well. Later down the line, this guy started talking to another girl which was a friend of mine and the girl. The girl and the guy met up to talk about the feelings that this guy had for her, yet the woman did not want to start something right away with him, so she asked him to keep trying. The guy falsified his commitment to her and kept talking to both of the girls. A few months later both girls started to talk about the guy and soon his game was found out, so they brought him in for questioning and he declared that his feelings for the 1st girl had perished and that he had liked the 2nd girl and so now they are together as a couple. So all the while I've been doing my thing with the 1st girl, the week before they talkd to the guy i had left her roses, hinting that I had feelings for her. If I had knew all that happened I would have not done that, because i can understand the she would be somewhat in distress from the previuos dilema.
Since all three met and talked(the guy and two girls) on April 9th, me and the 1st girl have not spoken at all since. The 1st girl is aware of my feelings for her, but I have not officially declared them to her, so the big question is SHOULD I GIVE HER SOME TIME or go ahead and tell her how I feel?

[ Answer this question ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?

TheOldOne answered Wednesday April 26 2006, 10:16 am:
To start with, there are two things that I should tell you for future reference:

1. From your question, it sounds as if you might have asked me a question before. Just FYI, when you ask a question only L2s and L3s can know who you are or what questions you've asked before. I'm an L1, so I don't know which question(s) you may have already asked me; I've answered 651 questions, so I hope you understand that I'm not sure which of those might have been yours. :D

2. I hate to tell you this, but I had to make a copy of your question and insert fake names throughout, just in order to make sense of it. "this girl" and "1st girl" and that sort of thing made everything really confusing. So I called the first girl (the one you like) "Jane", the other guy "Bob", and the second girl "Angela". That made it a lot easier to understand the situation.

It sounds as if both Jane and Angela were interested, or potentially interested, in Bob. That leaves you the odd man out, which is a painful position to be in. That Bob then chose Angela over Jane makes it likely that Jane's feelings are hurt. So you're potentially looking at a rebound situation. And you're probably aware that those usually don't work out well.

If you're sure that Jane is aware of your feelings (and that, for example, she doesn't think that the roses came from Bob)...and she hasn't said anything to you yet...then I see one of two possibilities: either she's just not interested in you (in which case you have my sympathy, and a recommendation to move on), or else she's simply not ready, emotionally, to cope with your interest or a romantic situation.

The latter possibility is more likely if she was also interested in Bob, of course.

Either way, my gut feeling is that it would be wise to give her a bit of time and space. A few weeks, perhaps. Then, if you haven't been given any sign that she's not interested, you might gently make your feelings clear.

Now that I think of it, I went through a similar situation back in college. The girl I was interested in eventually decided to date me...but the ending wasn't a happy one. She met another guy and left me on Valentine's Day.

Thirteen years later I met my wife-to-be, and now we're married and have a wonderful little boy, so in the long run there WAS a happy ending. But at the time, I pretty much suffered the agonies of the damned.

I don't mean to bore you with my personal story, but I did want you to know that I do have some experience with this sort of thing - friendships and romance.

To be brutally honest, my gut feeling is that this is not going to work out for you. I hope I'm wrong. But if I'm not, please remember to keep yourself as busy as possible. It's the best cure for heartbreak (or if that's too extreme a word for your situation, perhaps "heartbruise" would be better) that I know of.

Good luck!

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