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how can i tell if i'm ready
13/f - but many say that my mind and my body are very mature for my age.
My boyfriend happens to be alot older than me, 17 actually. He's still a virgin, but he has done some sexual things with past girlfriends. We've been together for about 10 months. I was raped last year, while we were going out during the summer, but I didnt let him know until around late January, because I was afraid he'd think I was a whore and break up with me.
Andrew (my boyfriend) was very caring about it, he didnt think I was a whore, and he assured me it wasnt my fault. It made me feel alot more comfortable with him, and ever since then I've been very open with him about everything.
I've actually been so comfortable with him that I've agreed to have "phone sex" with him, along with a few sexual activities - minus intercourse. Only it seems to have taken up all of our time together. Sex just seems like the only thing there is to talk about, even when we're not on the phone and we're just walking together around the park. I've told him about this, and we've both tried to not bring up the subject for 24 hours, but it's really hard - for both of us. And so far we havent been able to do it. It's gone so far that we both seem to "expect" at least one orgasm every day, and I'm not so sure I'm comfortable with that. I dont want our relationship to be all about sex, even though I know we both have strong emotional feelings for each other.
Andrew thinks that we're ready to go to the next level. Intercourse. But there's a few problems - I know I'm too young for it, and I'm just not so sure that it would help our already sex-obsessed minds. He's told me that if I'm not ready, it's fine, that if I have the slightest problem with it, we dont have to do it. I've told him that I'm fine with it, but I keep getting these bad feelings whenever I think about it.
I apologize it's so long, but I just want to know what I should do. I know I should probabaly tell him I'm not ready, but I also get a bad feeling whenever I think about telling him.
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You are so eloquent and well-versed for 13...no wonder there's such confusion, you sound so adult! Never apologize for a long question, having more information helps all the more. :)
I gather that your gut feeling on this, all outside influences aside, is that you're too young to have intercourse, but sexual experimentation is ok and natural. I would agree with you on that point, for many reasons.
You are a rape survivor. That takes an emotional toll on a person that far surpasses the here and now. Intercourse can be a "trigger", which means you can flash back to the trauma you experienced last summer. These triggers can cause severe emotional distress, and I would hate for you to go through that. If you have not received any therapy for what happened to you, I would suggest you do so before you decide to take that step. Not everyone triggers because of intercourse, but damaging your emotional state is a very real possibility.
Because you've left a "maybe" on the table for your boyfriend regarding sex, it's going to be all he thinks about. If you go with your gut and say "No, I'm not ready"...that should be all he needs to stop obsessing about it, if he truly cares about your relationship. If he knows that it's not going to happen, why think about it ALL THE TIME? Fooling around, phone sex, all of these things are normal and ok. There's nothing wrong with mutual masturbation, and orgasming once a day is fine. It's when thinking about sex hampers your ability to do your daily tasks that there tends to be a problem. Do you see your friends? Do you just hang out with your boyfriend and watch a movie? These are things that you SHOULD be doing, and being so focused on sex that you aren't having a social life outside of your boyfriend could be a sign that you need a little more separation from the sexual side of your relationship.
Does that make sense? I tend to get a little long-winded, and I don't want to take you away from the main message. You are precious, and worth more than you'll ever know. Treat your body that way, and make sure that the sexual decisions you make are ones that you will be comfortable and happy with down the road, not just in the here and now. Also, treat yourself carefully...if you have not worked through the grief from the trauma you received by being raped last year, it could come back on you. Triggers are absolutely horrid things, and I'd hate for someone so sweet to have to take a hit like that.
Good luck to you, and please keep me posted. If there's any further help that I can be, let me know!
Take care,
Marissa
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