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Issues and love triangle

Question Posted Wednesday March 15 2006, 10:09 am

I haven't asked for your opinion in awhile, but now I'm in a big mess. male/21

First, I can't seem to sleep next to anyone anymore. I have feelings for 2 of my best friends, Monica and Ashley, and when they fall asleep in my arms I get terrified and incredibly sad (they're the only ones who recently felt so comfortable they fell asleep on me, literally). It's I miss them because they're asleep and I want to get away at the same time. I'm comfortable as well as very nervous and self conscious. I'm in a state of panic and sleeping normally isn't an option for me. The panic is so bad tears were rolling down my face after Monica went home last time.

I thought it might be that I can't sleep without my mom under the same roof right now, but then I realized most of the time I fall asleep she's at work. I thought it might be because I can't sleep anywhere other than my house, but I felt that panic when Monica slept on me at my house. It might be because I have feelings for them, but now the thought of anyone falling asleep on me scares me. I don't really know what I'm afraid of. Do you have any ideas as to why I feel this way or how I can get over it?

My other problem is I like both of these girls and they're both two of my best friends. I was overwhelmed after both of them told me they liked me in the same day. I could see myself happy with both of them, but I think it unwise to date either.


I came to her about my sleeping problem and how sad I've been getting via email. I told her it might be because I have feelings for her and I got a message saying she likes me too. Some quotes from the email:

"I told you, before I read this, that I had thought about dating you."

"But if we're being completely honest with each other, I don't know if I could ever date you. No, it has nothing to do with "feeling like you're my brother". The biggest and most important, which I have not admitted to ANYONE until this moment is that I am not over Danny. Not at all. I just decided yesterday that I'm finally letting go of my High School past. That was five years ago. Starting a relationship with you wouldn't be fair to you, nor would it be fair to me. That's why I told you not to get a crush on me. I don't even want to go there. I don't want you to get hurt. I don't want to get hurt. That didn't stop me from thinking about what it would have been like to kiss you last night."

She makes a lot of sense. So I can't date her, but I feel bad when I think about dating anyone else.


Ashley has a lot of problems. She isn't quite over her ex and allows herself to be used by him every so often. I recently started having feelings for her, but kept them inside because I knew it wasn't wise to start a relationship with her when she's co-dependant on someone else. She's in councelling for depression, cutting, etc.

A couple of days ago I told her she had weird taste in guys. She said, "I like you. Is that weird?" It was so out of the blue, I didn't have a response for it. Then she allowed herself to be used by her ex for sex again. I fought with her for awhile about it, but she decided to be with him anyway. I said some hurtful things because I was hurt by this, that may have drove her to it.

Just in the last two days:

Monica definitely has feelings for me. She posted a blog saying "I like you. I like you and I shouldnt. I don't want to date you but that doesn't stop me from liking you. If only life was simple. OH THAT'S RIGHT. IT NEVER IS." I also told her that I was trying to help Ashley with my problems, and it terrifies her because she thinks Ashley's crazy.

Last night, Ashley called me. She was talking to her ex's best friend and he's trying to get her to leave the guy too. Ashley told him other people care about her too and mentioned my name. He asked her why she didn't pursue me, and she said she can't just pursue me.

Later on in the conversation, she muttered something I couldn't hear. I asked her to repeat herself and she just muttered that it complicates things. She finally muttered again that the more she talks to me, the more she wonders what it would be like to date me.

I've been crazy about her for a couple of years now. I'm crazy about both of them, but I don't think it would be very wise to try to get involved with either. The only problem is right now I can't stop thinking about Ashley. I don't want to hurt either of them, so any thoughts as to what the best actions would be would be great. I've indirectly turned down Ashley twice while telling her I have feelings for her too. What if it's driving her back to her ex?

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OneMan answered Thursday March 16 2006, 7:11 pm:
First. let me assure you that nothing you do will "drive Ashley to her ex". That's all her doing and there are reasons beneath that she will have to confront in her attempts to move on, Honestly, it sounds like she 's not ready to. Maybe he's comfortable to her and that's what draws her back to him, repeatedly. Try asking her what it is she's addicted to with him. We all become addicted to certain aspects of a relationship and without knowing it, find ourselves unable to depart because of that addiction when the time presents itself. Maybe doing so will help her to see exactly what it is she feels she can only get from him, and hopefully, in time, that will aide in her moving on. As for your feelings while sleeping and before. I'd like to ask if there were any deaths/departures/separations in your life that may still weigh on you greatly. I can't get into all of that without having someinsight into your background, but it sounds on one hand like abandonment issues. It could also be that since you profess to care so much for the two of them, you know that choosing one will ultimately leave the other shattered. You could feel thge sadness knowing what you may feel to be inevitable. If you want, e mail me and we'll get into it some more when I get some much needed info. Until then, best of luck.

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