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Why do I have these thoughts?
All right, I'm a relatively healthy (physically and mentally, I hope) young woman. I've never been intimate with a man. However, I've realized more and more that violence turns me on. For instance, when I see rape on TV or in a movie, I feel myself becoming aroused. When I fantasize, I always have these dark fantasies where a man is hurting me and forcing himself on me. It's not like I don't appreciate or crave romance - I do! Why am I having these thoughts though? I don't want to be hurt or violated or anything, but it just turns me on. Is it all right? Would a man be freaked out if I shared this with him? Would he take advantage of me? I've always thought I was a "good girl".
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
I think it's totally normal. Of course, I'm also a kinky bastard. I'm guessing that what turns you on isn't necessarily the physical pain, but the fact that someone is utterly unable to resist you, that you have unleashed their baser instincts, so to speak. That circumstances are beyond your control entirely. Nothing is expected of you except that you be there corporeally. It's sometimes refreshing to be that passive. And it's obviously incredibly flattering, of course, especially when played out in your head by some handsome rebel. Unfortunately, real rape is absolutely nothing like that. It's dirty and ugly and emotionally scarring. Because of this, women are psychologically trained to feel shame when thinking about rape as anything related to lust instead of power. OF COURSE there is a differentiation mentally, though. Being coerced into sex mentally and physically willingly (although it may not be apparent during the act itself, as that's part of the fantasy) by a person you're attracted to is miles away from rape, in my opinion. It's just slightly less vanilla sex. Bottom line: I think most people are into things that push boundaries already, and many sexual partners are at least amenable to the idea of taking control. So I doubt a man would be "freaked out," but I wouldn't necessarily tell him right away, especially not in a dark alleyway, har har.
p.s. Your feelings might be a manifestation of your desire. If you've never been intimate with a man, but it's been for reasons out of your control, it's probably your subconscious' way of making it easier on you. I mean, if someone else is doing all the work, you're freed of the awkwardness and potential embarrassment of helping?
I'm talking out of my ass, but I hope it helps.
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Dear good girl,
I believe your answer may be in your last sentence. You said you've always thought of yourself as a good girl. Fantasies are only that. They are fantasies. And with all the violence and the whole "bad boys" theme, we're all getting kind of desensitized to stuff like this. It doesn't mean you wouldn't be terrified out of your mind if something like this were to ever happen to you. (God forbid) However, when we're younger, it seems to add to the excitement of life, to the options we have and to the feeling of rebelliousness and freedom that we crave. You are having these fantasies because it fills a need in you. I will tell you though, after you have been hurt (I'm talking emotionally and hopefully not physically) by a number of bad boys, as you get older, you will see that the excitement of violence doesn't even begin to come close to the stability of a caring, loving, honest relationship. Experiment safely and don't put yourself in situations that could turn on a dime. Try to keep your fantasies safe from others that may have the power to hurt you. And then do some self-reflection on a regular basis to see where you stand in your opinions of the violence. It might also be a good idea to talk over your feelings with someone who is of the same sex, and who likes you and wants to help you and listen to you, someone that you sincerely trust. We all go through certain phases in life, whether they are good for us or bad for us. Just become more aware of the need that it is filling and if you are concerned about your feelings, try to find some other way to fill this need. Good luck.
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Dominatrix. Thats what it sounds like to me. Its not weird at all. Could be a phase. Dont read to much into it. And if you ever feel like experimenting, make sure a guy knows when your really saying stop and when your doinmg it for fun (role-play etc) Be extreemly careful. Best of luck xxxx
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I don't think there's anything particularly unusual or alarming about such fantasies. I think most people have them. I wouldn't talk about them in detail to a man you didn't know well -- wait until you have known him awhile and are reasonably sure he won't "freak out." But what you think about privately is your own business and there are no bad thoughts, only bad actions. I think a lot of people have such fantasies as you're describing because lust always involves an element of mystery -- and what is more mysterious than some stranger who compels you to make love to him?
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Cspinoza1's answer is better than any I could make; I'd just like to add that it's a fairly common fantasy for women, not something horribly deviant. I'd hazard a guess that it's all right so long as you don't try to put yourself in a position to have the fantasy realized, which obviously you have no desire to do. As for men, it depends on the guy. Probably most people would take it in stride, a few it would freak out, and a very few might try to take advantage of you. Can't say as I see any reason to bring it up though.
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Dear Thoughts,
Thoughts of that nature are not anything to be ashamed of and are acutall=y pretty natural for both males and females. Just because you become aroused by such thoughts doesn't mean there is something mentally wrong with you. It's all natural, when it comes to fantacies and sexual venture the sky is only limited by your imagination. I know the feeling as well. Just out of curiosity are you the forceful one in your life? Because it is to my experience that woman that are turned on by such things are very in control in their lives and such thoughts and fantacies are their way of wanting a someone else to take control and show them a way.
Hope this helped
Christopher Lee Espinoza
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