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I just dont know what to do anymore..
Hey, this is the same girl before, I just don't think what I wrote explained enough. And I really need to get all of my thoughts written down and off my chest. I hope you don't mind. And if you can't help me that's fine I will totally understand. Okay, well I love everything about this kid- his smile, laugh, walk, smell, hair, height, personality, looks..just everything. I've seen all sides of him. He can be sweet, shy, angry, jealous, upset, sad, excited, laughing, trying, studying, nervous, & even sweating, i know, grose. But I know a lot about him. It's like i know him so well, that everything he does is so perfect, like nothing he says could ever be stupid. He's so special to me. It's incredible how much I care about him. I've liked him since early September. And I only went out with him on -February 14, 2005--The best day of my whole entire life forever!<3<3. I will never, ever, ever forget that day. I was the luckiest girl in the whole entire universe to be his. I didn't even realize what I had until I lost it- March 29, 2005--The worst day of my whole entire life!</3</3. He broke up with me because he thought I didn't like him as much as he liked me and he was scared that I would break up with him. I will never ever forgive myself for it. He always told me I was everything to him and that he never wanted our relationship to end, and so much more. He was the sweetest guy ever, no guy ever said half the things he said to me. I can't even believe someone actually thought, or miracly still thinks that way about me. When he would tell me this, what he didn't know is that I felt the exact same way about him, but even more. I just didn't tell him because I was too scared that it was too much. I loved him so much I didn't even know if I should tell him. What I didn't know, is that I should've because now I don't have him anymore. Since that day my life has just not been the same at all. When I was with him it was like everyday I was on vacation. Everyday was so beautiful and full of happiness. Yea, we would argue, but deep inside we loved eachother and that's all that mattered. I was the most stupid girl in the whole world to let him walk out of my life. I should've showed him that I cared. Instead I sat there not thinking anything of it. The way I feel about him, I feel as if no one could ever feel this way because my feelings are so deep and strong. I don't believe how anyone could ever feel the way that I do about him. No one sees what I see in him. I see him so perfectly. I see everything good about him, nothing bad. He's like the perfect dream boy that no one ever gets. But when that one lucky girl finally gets him, she lets him slip away. I have his screen name on alert, and when he comes online I look at his profile a million times and stare all night at his screen name until he signs off, pretty pathetic. But I never thought that love could hurt the way that it does. It hurts to cry every single night and not to be able to go to sleep when I think of all the memories I have with him, all the nice things he ever said to me, the smiles he gave me, the way we used to hold hands, when we used to talk long hours on the phone, his kiss, his walk when he came to talk to me, the way he laughed when I was around him, and the gifts he gave me. It hurts so bad to think about it all. I deserve it though, while he sat there giving me all of his heart and telling me how he felt I just sat there and held it all in. I should've told him and I regret not doing so. I hope one day he'll realize how much I really do love him, and he'll come back to me. I sometimes think that everything may happen for a reason. And maybe this is the way things should be. I hope that's true. I just really hope that if he never comes back, then I just hope he never tells another girl the things he told me, or that he never feels the same way that he felt about me. Now I sit here crying, again. It's usually so hard to get me to cry. I'm not a very emotional person. But, with him when I just think about him, I start to cry. The first week after he broke up with me, that was when it was the hardest. Even just looking at him made me shed tears. When he walked into the cafeteria the morning after that most tragic day of my life, I couldn't stand looking at him, I just ran to the bathroom, and cried. It's still hard to look at him now and think I'll never have another chance. Until then, I sit here and wait for him to say something to me. Or for a miracle to happen and for him to feel that way again. I don't think it will. But for now, I force myself to fake a smile and a laugh, because I don't want him to see that I'm really dieing insdie without him. I can't let him see how miserable I really am. It's too much. My smiles and laughs will never be as real as they were when I was with him, never. I'll never move on, ever. But going into other relationships just means I'm letting other people have a little tiny bit of my heart, the rest is all his..FOREVER. Sometimes I wish that I never knew Kyle, because it hurts so much to cry & not have him with me. But then I think, if I never met him then I wouldn't really be living a good life at all. He's such an amazing person. I also sometimes wish people could see what I see in him, but then I don't at the same time because then they would fall in love with him too. The way he would say my name just makes me love it. It's not like he liked me because I'm pretty either or popular, because I'm not. It makes me so happy to know that he liked me because of me. Not because of something I'm not, and that really makes me happy. But since that day, that horrible day when he broke up with me, I will never be the same again. I'm broken up in the inside. And now I can't find myself again. It's like he took me, took my soul & my heart. And only left a little part of it left, but not enough to make me feel the same way again. If only he came back to me would I be happy again. I don't know what to do. Again, I'M SO SORRY IF THIS IS TOO MUCH. I can't help it..I really don't know why I feel so strongly. IF YOU CAN'T HELP THAT'S FINE. I don't know who could help me.. :\
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Okay well like I said before.. I really really really super-mondo suggest that you talk to this boy, because if you ever want the chance of him getting back together with you again, you'll have to talk to him first, try to get him to hang out with you again, one on one. And then if you guys are just talking, maybe every now and then add an old memory not like," remember the time we made out.." or something like that just like a funny thing that happened between you two cause then maybe he'lll start to fall in love all over again. And that was good-- that you wrote to me again, got everything off your chest. It really helps to do that.. and I liked reading it =) I hope you feel better =) Also, maybe I'd send this to him. Because maybe if he reads your side of everything, then he'll understand that you really do care about him alot and that you just didn't show it, but wanted to. I just think definetly do SOMETHING. If not send him what you just said to me ( or something like it ) then at least talk to him and try and hang out with him. Cause maybe you won't be his whole life ( I mean his girlfriend, lol sorry I'm trying to be metaphoric..work with me=P ).. you'll just have to be a part of it.. and that would be better than not being anything at all. So seriously just talk to this boy, and I hope everything works out for you =) And you might think you'll never get over him.. but someday you will and maybe you won't have to cause he'll be there next to you =) So once again, just.. talk to him, try to hang out with him, be as close to him as you can, even if it means being friends for a bit, because then someday.. that might become more again. I really really really hoped I helped you out and I hope that everything works out for you!!!!!
Love,
MELii
p.s. I know why you feel so strongly... because I can tell you really really love him alot and not for the popularity things.. you love him for him, and that's something rare =)
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