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attached to an ex
It seems you have a really honest way of giving advice, and I think I need that, so Here it goes.
I'd been with a boy, on-and-off, for about two years - but saw that while we'd finally settled our issues (which was that he kept being indecisive about if he wanted to really be with me), I still saw that we had a negative effect on eachother. I really felt tha I loved him, as a friend, as a lover, and as a person - but I didn't think our relationship was letting us love ourselves enough, and all that. I didn't think we'd have a great relationship. We'd stayed together for so long with only me putting my emotions into it, and when he started investing his emotions, I started to see how maybe I should have just let him go after all.
Rewind a little bit - he broke up with me for the 'last' time this past new year's eve. After a few weeks alone, I started to get to know a boy, let's call him 'Joel'. I really liked talking to joel. It was apparent that Joel liked me. Problem? This was a friend of my Ex's, and I knew it'd hurt him to hang out with Joel.
Fast forward again. Me and the boy start talking again, really getting to know eachother this time around - and settling out so many problems that could have been worked through before if we'd only talked about it. I drop ties with Joel, out of respect for the ex's feelings, because he'd found out that Joel put his arm around me.
(forgive me for the length of this, but I felt I needed a background explanation.)
Anyway, me and the boy get back together, and begin having a great time. We're really enjoying ourselves this time around. It helped that we were disregarding the disaproval a mutual friend of ours, who basically had been against us being together - he honestly though it was a bad thing for us to be together. We stayed together for months, up until the end of this past may.
During that time we were together, we both got into a horrible car accident, I had the worst of the injuries, and although we'd talked about taking a 'break' and things from being together, or at least talking things over, it was put on hold by the accident and forgotten.
At first, I had only wanted to clear my head. The reason was, and I was honest with my boyfriend about this, that I had been hanging out with Joel again in a group - just talking. I loved spending time with Joel. We'd naturally talk about things and laugh - and this confused me. I didn't want to feel like I was being disloyal to my boyfriend by hanging out with and being interested in Joel- so I said I wanted to clear my head. he interpreted this as having a 'break', which we'd talked about before. He wasn't happy. Time I tried to spend apart from him only made him want to see me more. It was hard trying not to see him. I also wanted to be able to hang out with Joel- talk to him, get to know him, since I felt I couldn't do that If I were with the boyfriend. I felt I was being honest - and I had to explore this, or I'd regret it as I'd been regretting it since I broke ties with Joel for my boyfriend's sake before.
I started seeing Joel more often, and the ex started calling more often. My ex would call just as me and Joel were getting close - a strange thing. It was crazy, really. As time went on and Joel actually kissed me - my ex woke up (this was in the middle of the night) and called me right away. He'd have no way of knowing that - it was just a really creepy occurance.
Well, now I still see Joel, and over one day the ex decided he would not look at me,, or talk to me , even if we were in a group of friends. (We share almost all the same friends.) He's told more than one of them the situation, and I feel like he shouldn't tell everyone out busines. Also, he'll leave the rooms and cause a mini-scene when we're in a group of friends, which I don't really see as completely fair to everyone else. I already really hurt. I already feel bad - and I realize he's hurting too - but putting our friends in the middle is something I don't like to do.
Well, as I said, I still see Joel, but I can't anymore. All I think about is the ex. I'm not sure if it's just that I'm attached to him or what - but I think about him every miserable day. I cry a lot, pathetically. I'm not sure what to do with myself. I've talked to Joel about that, and Joel has serious feelings for me but at least seems to understand - but still wants to be intimate with me. I can't kiss Joel, I think of my ex. I can't play a record, or listen to this song, or think about such-and such, I only start blubbering about my ex. I feel as if HE broke up with ME again, rather than me doing it to him. I'm not sure what to do. I had to return things of the ex's, I tried to see him, or talk to him, but didn't say what I'd wanted to - and he was cold and unmoved the whole time, just leaving me more upset. He feels that I've treated him really badly - but that was what I was trying not to do - I had been trying to spare his feelings, - rather than going by what I wanted to do first, always thinking of _him_. I'm not even sure that he'd really believe that, but it doesn't change how I'd felt. I feel like an idiot that threw her heart away - but I know I needed the time alone, and he might even be better off without me.
Anyway. This is completely long enough. I'm not even sure if you can/will give me advice for this. Well, thanks if you do. Maybe any input would help - I don't have many people to talk to. At least typing this out helped a little. Thanks.
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Wow ! That was an epic lols .
Where to start?
Firstly Joel was not really your guys friend .Friends dont do that ,at least not untill the dust as settled and things are finally over .You I feel, have to take a fair bit of the blame too for encouraging him .
As for the relationship .I feel its gone,too many on and offs .
What you are missing is something that had become a habit and habits are very hard to break .
I would suggest you listen to all those songs that make you said .Cry as much as you want .Dont run away from the way you feel but keep yourself to yourself for a while and avoid any contact with your ex .Today is the worst you are going to feel and as long as you dont let stuff like drink and drugs prolong your depression ,you will be on the mend soon .
Its only heartache not a heart attack lols
Chin up.
Write me in a few weeks and let me know how things are.
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