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you seem smart.
i'm fifteen.
two years ago, i was anorexic. and all of the baggage that comes along with starving yourself.
now, i have re-learned how to eat. by myself.
but there are still some lingering doubts. i still lie, not about food, about other things, instead. maybe people like me better when i'm frailer? weaker? hating myself more?
how can you tell who it's ok to trust? should trust even be this big of a deal? do you think i scare people away, or do i scare myself awya from people?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Hello there,
I am very proud of you for accomplishing what so few others do. You have pulled yourself a pit that swallows many lives.
The lies can be fixed with time, it is kind of a hard thing to do all at once. The best way is this: Start telling the truth each time it pops into your head to lie about something. If it offends someone, oh well. The truth is the truth.
As for people liking you better when you are weaker... It is quite possible.
You see there are people, many people, who like to have people around that make them feel superior. To those people, the more screwed up YOUR life is, the better it makes THEM feel about their screwed up life.
The more you hate yourself the better they like it. This mostly goes for girls, though guys do the same thing in other ways...
Example: A guy gets a halfway decent car, does he:
A) Go try and get in the car club with the top of the line cars, even though his will look kind of shabby next to them?
B) Surround himself with other guys that have cars which make his look better than it really is?
C) Be his own person, enjoy his car, and not worry about how cool anybody else thinks it is?
The answer is almost always "B."
The same thing happens with girls getting used to their bodies.
If you are a leader, you may seek other people which make you feel better about yourself.
If you are a follower, you may go with whatever group appears to be your "friend."
The answer, is of course "C." Don't make yourself into a sad creature that other people feel better having around!
If you are a type "C" girl, then others in your former state of affairs may cling to you in an effort to feel better about their status. Don't use them like people used you. Help them grow into their own type "C." The world is a much better place when we are all comfortable in our own skin.
As far as feeling the need to be skinny... Well, you just have to decide who you believe: The media, or your body. You can be EXTREMELY fat and live a long relatively healthy life, but if you do the skinny as a death camp survivor thing, your body literally eats itself from the inside out causing damage that may never be repaired.
If you get too fat, you exercise a bit more and off the weight comes. (Diets are bullshit)
You get too skinny, you die. Big difference.
As far as trust goes... That is a tough one.
I have dealt with this like so:
Who do you really HAVE to trust? Your parents, God, maybe your siblings and eventually your spouse.
You don't have any real need to trust anyone else.
Most people don't know how to keep confidence. What I mean is: "I heard so and so say BLAH about such and such. She said not to tell anyone, so don't tell anyone." She has betrayed the confidence of "so and so" by telling you.
Does she mean to cause harm? Probably not.
She simply doesn't know that it is IMPORTANT to keep her word. Very, very few people these days know the importance of that.
If you tell someone something, test them out with something unimportant. See how long it takes to get back to you.
Something else to consider about trust:
We are born with it, and keep it until we lose it. A baby has trust and love for everyone. Think about that.
Something happened to you that has harmed your ability to trust. Do you know what it was?
If you do, then you may be able to undo the harm by telling yourself that you can't be harmed again in that manner. Then make sure that you never allow yourself to be in that position again.
If you don't know what it was and you don't know how to, or want to find out, then start fresh.
Start by trusting someone with something small. If they keep it, WONDERFUL, if they don't, then you realize that they aren't a responsible person like you are, and you move along.
I always make it a point to tell people when they have violated my trust. Some are utterly horrified to realize that what you entrusted to them was important to you. It never even occurred to them. You may greatly help someone else this way.
Some others are offended that you are upset about their betrayal. These are the really bad ones, and are never to be trusted again, for anything, no matter what else happens.
Trust only comes with time and PROOF that you can trust someone. Don't let anyone abuse your trust. If you do, then you end up right back where you have been.
Do you scare yourself away from people or do you scare them away from you? Yes. :-)
If you don't feel good enough about yourself to be around other people and are afraid to trust anyone even a little, then you scare yourself away from people.
If you come back from a disease that terrifies these people and become your own person in the process, you then become a powerful confident young woman. Some people will be threatened by this. Those are the people you don't want around you anyway, as they are the ones we talked about earlier... The ones that like it when you are sick and thin, and near death.
Suddenly you are the one making them feel inferior, and they do NOT like that. ;-)
They will make up things about you, try to hurt you, and run you down to their circle of miserable wretches they have gathered around themselves... All in an effort to make themselves feel better than you and restore what THEY think the social order should be.
Those are the only people that will be afraid of you. Oh, and boys that are looking for a girl they can push around and beat up. You didn't want one of those anyway though, did you? ;-)
You are a prize jewel among women in that you have overcome BY YOURSELF what others do not overcome with all the help in the world. Don't be discouraged. You have already won the hardest fight, all the other stuff is going to be easy. ;-)
DangerNerd.
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