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family problems
Okay first off I'd like to say, I really appreciate the way you try to help people and i think its REALLY COOL that you are a GRANDMA, and youre like a teenager! Okay well, heres like my life story.
My family is me, my sister, my parents, my grandpa, my sisters kids. I grew up in the same house with both my parents up until I was 14. Im still 14 now, and i keep switching from place to place. My dad was an alcoholic and just stopped drinking about a year ago. All i remember growing up was him drinking and getting into huge fights with me and my mom. He would yell .. not yel..but..it was the loudest voice ive ever heard anyone use in my life. He would use the big scary voice he used when he tried to get people away from the house, say kids selling candy or something. He would yell and cry at the same time, and his eyes would get big and bloodshoot and he would scream at my mom about me, saying things like "go protect her", "I fucking hate you", "il fucking shoot your fucking brains out and slice your neck open", etc. he ever did try shooting her once with one of his guns, he attempted to get her fingerprints on the gun to make it look like suicide but she wouldnt touch it. This happened every weekend. I'd come home, but a block or so before we came near the house i'd hear his bluegrass music, he blared it, embarased the hell outta me, and thats when i always knew he was drunk. Or sometimes we would walk in and hed be sitting on the frontroom couch and accuse my mother of cheating on hiim with her dentist, saying that she rented a hotel room and was having threesomes with me in the middle. Please dont laugh at me, the way he talks makes me really uncomfortable. hed brake glass lamps and try to cut her stomach open with them. Shed fight back, too, mainly just screaming and crying. Now what i would do, i would try holding my hands in between the two of them to keep my dad from chocking her (ive seen it before)and just screaming in this high pitched screaming voice "please stop just please", and then when that wouldnt work i would scream "both of you, shut the fuck up!!" (this was all growing up), and that didnt work so id try getting a knife and saying "thanks to the both of you im going to cut my wrists open", but that didnt work either. I started realizing their fighting at 5 and continued this attempt to stop tyhem from fighting until up to now. Every time my parents are together, they fight abut something..stupid. Every time they go out to eat, my mom comes home crying and my dad goes in his room, slams the door and repeats the swears "motherfucker, cocksucker," and "jagoff". I remember being tormented about the way my mom looks, and acts. When i was 13, my mom admitted to me that she was addicted to drugs. She is 55 now, and when we used to go places people i know would point and laugh. She was a lazy slob. her drugs made her lethargic. She would have food on her face, and shes wear clothes that didnt fit her, like spandex pants and a shirt from slavation army with holes in it. Shed always yell for me real loud in the stores and tell the casheirs about "her husband", like "teehehe- i cant tell my husband how much i spent or he'll kick my ass!", she would do it so jokingly they would pretned to laugh. Shed always forget her keys, money, checkbook, or all three! shed make a scene looking for it always saying "i know its in here" while digging through her purse. people still make fun of me now, i pretend to laugh but really it ears me up inside.so finally i got tired one day of having things flying past my head, my mom trying to throw checks and check boxes at my dad behind me, i decided to move into my sisters. Now well talk about my sister. My sister is 23. She has 3 kids, a husband, and a trailer. i moved into there. i watched the 3 kids with adhd and a severe asshole problems from when i got home from school (3) til i get them to sleep (2 a.m.)my sister and her husband were working at mcdonalds and subway. my grades dropped, people around the trailerpark tried to break in, and the other kids in the trailerpark always made fun of me, i dont know why. i know im weirdlooking, ive always been, but thats not the point. My sisters husband would get his paycheck, and blow it all off on drugs. There was nothing i could do about this. Everything i had (soap, shampoo, lotion, acne cream..etc.) would slowly get destroyed by the kids, i had to try to put a lock on everything..but we couldnt afford to keep buying locks. i eventually got angry one morning about my oldest nephew stealing my shit, that i said "im outta here", and put all my stuff into my moms car. (it was the morning and she was there to pick me up, my sister and her husband only have one car..)and i left. i moved into here, my dads. The one who ive hated for my whole life. Id move back into my grandpa's with my mom but, they are both on tranquilizers and i hate looking at them like that. My dad has no job (he got laid off) nad we cant afford anything. Every little thing i do he has a problem with it. "Turn that bedroom light off, open the blinds, i dont care if its dark out .. youre wasting elctricity" "i cant afford to give you lunch money". Now here comes the big part. I go to a catholic school, which is 6,400 every year. This is his main topic of conversation. It started today.
me: dad can i have some money im really really hungry.
dad: guess whos broke! i only have 8 dollars and its sposta last me for a week, and you want me to buy you food?
me: im sorry im just hungry, jeez.
Him: why the hell do i talk to you. youre a fucking dumbass. go pass algebra, okay.
--i was staying after for help in algebra with my tutor..till about four.
me: why dont u get a fucking job?
him: who the fuck pays your damn fucking tuition. tell your algebra tutor to suck my fucking dick so she can get some money, thats the only way im giving anyone money. why dont you go on the corner, eh? who the fuck do you think i am? i fucking pay your goddamn tuition and youre telling me i have no money..
me: what are you trying to say? you dont have any money? if we dont ahev any how are we paying for school?
him: youre fucking dick pays for school, suck my dick you fucking cocksucker dumbass.
me:youre a fucking asshole, i hope you die. i hate seeing your face evry day it makes me sick
him: kiss my ass
me:whatever.
--over--.. things like this go on all the time, i dont think its normal but it is what happens. he always makes gross comments like "the best shower i ever took was when youre mom was single and living on 89th street" and "if someone had a jacking off contest, id win for today", and just nasty stuff like that. he walks around in short tight shorts and always touches me, it makes me feel so weird. i just dont wanna be around him. i hate looking across the street because i see my younger friend outside playing ball with her dad, its makes me wanna cry. he wants my grandpa to die, and i love my grandpa so much, and my add always says stuff like youre grandpa is such a cocksucker, well see what he does when i get all his money.. i dont know who to live with or what to do anymore. i dont have any friends, i cant move in with them. i cant have anyone come over in fright of my dad answering the door or going outside in his underwear like always. my mom cant live on child support, and she cant work cuz she has fibromayalgia or some disease, and i just dont know what to do. sometimes i see a shrink, and that doesnt help, nobody can change my family and noone ever will. i just done know what to do. sorry for making this so long, im just desperate. please anything you say will help, just knowing that someone listened to me.
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Man, you have lived quite an life in 14 years. Time for a break wouldn't you think?
I'm real concerned about you.It doesn't seem you have a stable place to land though. You really do need to get out of your dads house. You are getting older, and if you are having weird feelings around him you need to get out and trust those feelings. You need a normal life so you don't fall into the same trap that they have.
I don't know much about catholic schools. Is there someone there that you can trust? Who won't go back to your parents with your conversation? Better yet can you call child protective services yourself and have them come rescue you? I am serious. It is harsh but you need a normal life so you can be a productive member of society one day. I know your first instinct is going to be a protective one towards your family, but you're the one needs protection not them. They are adults and have to dig their own way out. Maybe it will wake them up. If you call them you will be put in foster care. But you really need to get out. Four more years is so very long to wait. I know of no other way to get you out of there. It is a very big decision for you to make at your age. But I really want you to think about it long and hard. I want you to keep in touch too okay. Let me know how you're doing regardless of what you decide to do.
I will see if there are other options also. Do you have relatives that don't live in your town? Someone a little more stable? An older cousin, aunt? Anytime you want to talk drop on in okay?
Next time give me a name so I know what to call you. Don't have to be your real one. Take care until I hear from you again! YG :)
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