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My Baby
Hi. I'm going through some pretty heavy and confusing stuff right now.
When I was younger, this guy and me had sort of an open relationship, and we had sex one time.
I found out i was pregnant a while later, and I had an illegal abortion.
I didn't tell anyone, not even him. I had an illegal abortion. Then the reality of what i had done started to sink in. That was about a year or two ago, and it haunts me to this day. After i told him, he was comforting, but later got mad at me because I didn't come to him.
I realized the only reason i had an abortion was because I was terrified of what people and my family and friends would think of me. That was so stupid. Since I didn't tell anyone, I only had my thoughts to rely on.
Now I regret that so much. My heart is so heavy with dread and hate for myself. I am starting to get a very urge to once again get pregnant and produce another child. I feel empty. This is not a case of trying to keep a relationship together. This is about me. I've thought about it and I know I can do anything for my child.
But I'm still in school and care very much for my education. I would never let anything get in the way of my education, but this is.
I'm finding this urge so uncontrollable I cry EVERY night because I don't have a crying baby to soothe. I never really wanted to give my baby up like that. i was just scared and didn't know who to turn to.
I'm wondering, what is this feeling making me want another child? I really do, and I can't stress that enough. I want to know, should I follow this urge to try and release the heavy feeling on my heart and fill the empty hole in me?, or should I keep it inside and try to get over it and put it behind me? Please try to help, this is a difficult time. Thanks.
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Hi i understand how you feel about this. It is very hard to give up a baby like that but i understand why you did. You said that you are still in school and i know and want you to have a good education too...i would suggest you have a baby after you get out of school...if not how else will you raise a child, you know? and i understand you feel the guilt inside...tell yourself that you will make all this up after school ends because if you dont get a diploma how else will you be able to get a good job and raise that baby. so finish school and then you can have as many children as you want =) your young and dont let one mistake take you down. let yourself know that yes i made a mistake but i'm not going to do it anymore. this seems like a very important thing so no matter how you wont be able to forget this...i give you best wishes. i hope i helped. let me know if you need anything esle =) take care. x3 SweetStar.
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