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You are 100% right. But how can I get through to someone that Ive hurt so bad. He says that he doesnt care what I have to say and he totally pushes my thoughts to the side,then we argue then he says what did I want to tell him and by then I cannot say how I really feel because my feelings are so hurt that I get angry with him. And then we argue. is it best for me to just stay quiet and let him vent? And if he asks whats wrong tell him later? Or is it best for me to keep everything bottled up inside??????????
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<b>NEVER</b> keep your feelings bottled up inside. This will only make you a very bitter and sad person in the end. Now, I am getting a better understanding of your situation. I noticed that you said <b><i>'how can I get through to someone that I've hurt so bad..'</b></i> If you have done the hurting to him, have you really and truly apologized to him? How long ago has this hurt happened? It takes time after someone has been to hurt to regain the trust/feelings/emotions that they had before. And even then, all of it cannot be regained. The only thing that I can think of is that you are trying to talk to him at the wrong time, without <b>both of you</b> willing to talk, but only when <b>you</b> want to talk to him, and that just wont work. When he is in a fould mood, let him vent and calm down on his own before trying to approach him. When <b>he comes to you</b> and <b>ask you</b> what is wrong, and you are calmed down, then that is when you all need to talk. Here is something that I got off of <b>DrPhil.com</b> that might be useful to you:
<i>If you respond to stress or conflict with an ingrained pattern that includes avoidance, anger, denial, etc., it can get in the way of effective communication, distancing you even further from your partner. Dr. Phil suggests using the steps below in order to communicate with emotional integrity.
<b>Give or receive input.</b>
Be open to receiving input from your partner. You have to be willing to test and be tested. You don't have to say everything you're thinking, but everything you do say has to be accurate. If your partner asks you if you're upset, and you are, you have to be willing to say, "Yes." It's important that both partners know they are going to be told the truth.
<b>Reflect content and feelings.</b>
After receiving input from your partner, verify that what you are hearing is what your partner is actually saying. You've got to say, "What I hear from you content-wise is..." Then, to make sure you understand what he/she is feeling, you can say something like, "The feeling I'm getting from you is resentment/anger/hurt, etc."
<b>Accept Feedback and Respond.</b>
If you are the person who is giving the input, you have to clarify things if your partner isn't hearing what you are honestly trying to say. If you are the person receiving the input, you can respond once you know what you are responding to. Now that you are clear on what your partner is really saying, you can accept the feedback.
<b>Stay in the moment.</b>
Stay with the issues at hand. Do not discuss past history at any time during this process.
<b>Do not leave. </b>
Do not leave the discussion until it is completed. To keep it from dragging on, you can negotiate a time limit beforehand so that both of you know how long the conversation will last. </i>
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