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courtship
Hi Makalah Lea,
22F
I've read your column and think you appear to be a steady Christian. You are also married. Which qualifies you as a good person to ask the following qn!
I have just started going out with a guy from my church. He is a Christian, we met at Bible study, and he pursued me for 6 months before I was ready to go out with him. He fulfills my criteria and my family have met and like him. We obviously want to wait until we get married, and I'm just wondering if you have guidelines re making this work?
So far, we've talked about how far we want to go ( ie: no tongue kissing, not lying down together etc) and both agreed we want to be accountable. We have an older couple from church mentoring us (ie: I meet with the wife, and my boy with the husband, once a week for coffee and a chat) and we are thinking of doing devotions together 3 times a week. We have only been going out 6 weeks, I don't want to rush things, but it's hard to slow it down, it seems right, he's 27 (and 18 months out of a 3 yr relationship.
I'd appreciate some hints :)
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If this answer looks jumbled, please go to my column to read. It is a very long answer. Let me first apologize for my taking so long to respond. Tonight my husband, best friend and I were with a group from our church, spending time in fellowship with one another. My closest friend is a single Christian and I have helped her face this question before while dating so I will give you the same advice that I gave her and hope that it works for you like it worked for her. As Christians we know that sex before marriage is a sin. Now, the question lies within that statement....what constitutes as sex? For me I would think that anything beyong kissing and holding one another would be of a sexual nature that crosses into the gray area of definition. So, if I were you (as I told my friend and am now telling you) I would draw a line on just how far I would go with the intimacy, let my sigot (significant other) know what that line is and do my best to see that it isnt breached. The line that I would draw is nothing beyond simple kissing (no french) and holding.
We are taught to stay pure until marriage for many reasons in addition to the fact that it is holy in the eyes of the Lord. That pureness is something special that you will share with your husband only and that he will share with you. There will be no mental comparisons of who is better at intimacy because you will have known no other. Your relationship with your lifemate will be that much stronger when you both share the knowlege that you saved yourselves for eachother, for that promise of true love given by God which you trusted in enough to wait. God wants your marriage to start on strong ground and this is a very important building block.
I am very glad that both you and your boyfriend are strong Christians and have a wonderful church that you are rooted in. I think that the mentorship that you two are a part of is a wonderful idea and will help you two stay to the values that you have. Trusting completely in God and His will in your life will also help you stay true to these values. Pray that God will work His will and way in your life. Pray that if it is His will that you two be together, that He will bless you two to stay strong in your faith, values and love for one another as well as eachothers standing in the Kingdom. Pray that He will lay a guiding hand on your relationship, blessing you two to make the right decisions and to lead as pure of a life as He would direct you to lead. As I am sure you already know, the power of prayer is mighty because God is mighty and He is always there. I have seen many miracles lately in our church and I know that God will step in and move mountains with or for you if you ask Him to do so, believe that He will do it and stand on that faith. Remember this verse -Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
I would also suggest that you two do things with other couples in your church or with other Christian friends as often as possible. Being around others keeps you honest and helps you put things into the proper perspective. Also, this is a good idea until the relationship grows a bit and you both know where eachother stands in faith and in love. In other words, with other people around you do not have to worry as much about crossing that line. You will not do it. This will help you two learn the acceptable behavior as a couple which will see you through the rest of your relationship until you become man and wife (if that is what God wants for your life).
Doing devotions together is a wonderful idea but as I said above I would try to include other people as much as possible for a little while. When you two are more comfortable with eachother and the relationship, you might think on spending more time alone. I am sure that you two are both responsible adults so please do not misunderstand my meaning. I am just of the opinion that the easier things start, the easier they turn out.
So, in summation (I apologize for being so long winded)I would do the following things:
1. Pray and talk to God about this relationship.
2. Have the talk with your boyfriend and both of you agree on what you two think is the acceptable level of intimacy (again for me I think nothing beyond kissing or holding eachother). Go on and get it out of the way (though as you said earlier you two have already discussed this).
3. Start doing things with other couples. Perhaps you could start a inner Bible study group with other young couples in your church. One that would meet on a different night than the Bible study at your church, that is convenient for everyone and if not held at the church could be held at someones home, rotating hosting duties.
4. Let God and time decide how things go. If God has blessed your relationship and means for you two to be together, you will be. Continue to pray but also sit back and enjoy being young and falling in love. Stay within your boundaries and you will feel free to enjoy it.
God sent me a wonderful husband to bless my life and so far we have had over 2 perfect years together. I pray that God will richly bless your life and this relationship. Please contact me anytime sis. I am always here. God Bless You richly and Best Wishes!
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