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A couple of problems
I'm asking this to some of my favorite columnists and the pool. I'm trying to get as many intelligent responses as possible. I thought I'd provide you with an explanation just in case you see it twice.
I've had this crush on this girl for quite some time. It's gotten to the point where I'll buy stuff I don't really need, nor do I really want, just to talk to her. She always seems happy to see me and always gives me a big hug before I leave. The problem is I have no idea how old she is. I'm not the type of guy who judges people who date younger or older people, but it seems to worry my when I'm involved. I'm 20, what if she's only 15 or 16. She looks and kind of acts young, so I'm worried. What do you think the dating age limit should be for someone like myself?
The other problem. Earlier today, I saw scars and cuts on her rist. It doesn't look like something an accident would have caused. I know she can't really die from cuts on arm, but the scars aren't exactly good for her either. How should I go about asking her where they're from? Is it even my business to ask such a question? What if she obviously lies to me about the scars origins? Should I just drop it then or what?
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I think you should ask her about her age. Whilst I don't doubt that your intentions are honourable, if she really is as young as 15 then you need to know that so you can adjust your behaviour, because it really isn't fair on her to be persuing her if she is that young. If she turns out to be older, say 17 or 18, then at least you know and can set your mind at rest. There isn't anything wrong with dating somebody older or younger than yourself until it reaches a level where the two of you aren't equals because you have such radically different lifestyles and experiences - I'd say that would be the case if she was 16 or under, but there is no definite cut off point and it does depend on a great deal how mature each of the participants are. So yes - ask her. It doesn't make you judgemental to want to know how old she is, it's something you really should know before you get too emotionally involved.
As for the scars on her wrists, I'd say that it depends how well you know her. If the scars she has are self-inflicted, then this will likely be a hugely personal topic for her, and one that she won't be likely to respond well to being questioned on. You don't say how often you see her, or how close you are, although you are close enough to hug and be friendly. I'd say if your still very much getting to know her it would be best to avoid the topic for the time being but try and see if she has new scars or whether they are old ones. If you feel she might be able to open up to you now though, then by all means ask her, though be prepared for her not wanting to talk about it or her deceiving you. Such a reacion doesn't mean she won't ever want to talk about it, it may just be hard for her to open up and be totally honest about it if she does cut when first asked. Be patient with her. If she has ever self-harmed it's because she's found dealing with pain difficult, and reliving that may well also be difficult, so if she doesn't want to talk, don't push it, but wait for her to open up in her own time.
I hope I helped. All the best.
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