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Thanks for your advice?
Thanks you for reply, first of all I don't think "good luck" is a common denominator in any of this scenario. Let's move on, to clarify a few points:
1."The children don't have the power, and anyway you've already encouraged them to betray their mother by talking about her "laziness" behind her back. The girls have learned that they can get extra love and attention from you by gossiping about their own mother. I hope that wasn't the lesson you intended to teach them; they won't be much fun to deal with when they're older if you encourage them."
A. The children were asking me, I did not tell or volunteer any of my opinions out of the shame I felt for myself and for them. At first I made excuses, my daughters are too smart and aware for that. I can't lie to my children.
2. "Life is too short to spend with the wrong person. You therefore need to work on making yourself the right person: the right husband for the wife you chose and the right father for your girls."
A. Just from the past four points that I have addressed, it should be quite clear that I have been trying to make this work. She is not the wife that I walked down the aisle with, not even close. And if I am to apply your logic to this situation, what does she bring to my table? What do I need her for? It’s a buyer's market out there; in that case, I can be "liberated" from this marital tyranny!
3."If you do decide to divorce your wife and keep your daughters, you will have to either step in to all the maternal duties yourself… The vast majority of women out there will be too "feminist" for you since they're accustomed to earning their own way."
A. This I am puzzled over, are you saying to throw in the towel? Bear in mind I have been trying to make this work for over 15 years.
I have no problem with anyone with a measure of self-respect or self-esteem, male or female, respect runs both ways. After 15+ years of this wonderful journey, I can do anything I want and be successful at it. "That which doesn't kill me only makes me stronger."
There are other points which I could cover, but I feel it would be a waste of time. I feel that you already have a pre-conceived opinion, which I feel affects your objectivity to logically and rationally evaluate. This in turn hinders your ability to advise or counsel in a proper fashion.
Like I tell my charming wife, "I'm not the one trying to be your enemy, that's something you need to change."
Best friend I never had...
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Re: my style of advice
I'm more of a Devil's Advocate than a Dear Abby. I don't offer pat decisions to people because I believe that adults should make their own decisions. Most people have no problem doing that once they've looked at all the facts and thought them through. So I try to help people clarify exactly what they feel, what they want, and what the plan to do about it. I do this by asking questions and by pointing out possible consequences to different decisions. I spin things around to make sure people look at their situations from as many angles as possible, which often means coming at things from a radically different point of view. The last thing I will do is insult your intelligence with a simplistic answer like "dump her" or "stay the course". If this isn't advising or counseling "in a proper fashion", so be it. My approach is very different and I understand if it makes you uncomfortable.
Re: My preconceived opinions
It's true I have a couple preconceived opinions, and they're big. The first is that no person can change another adult. People can change themselves when and if they have the desire to do so. You can cultivate that desire in others up to a point, but you can't cause it to exist if it isn't there. There's no magic button you can press to change another person, and the only person you can reliably change is yourself. All the advice I give is based on that principle; it's something I take for granted.
My second preconceived opinion is that even though married partners are equal under the law, there's usually one alpha partner in every married relationship: someone who generally takes the lead role and who therefore has more control and responsibility. I've assumed that you're the alpha partner in your marriage, or that you at least started out that way. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.
Now, in response to your questions 1 through 3:
1) I'm not suggesting that you lie to your children; my intention was to point out a very probable consequence of taking sides with them against your wife. I've never seen children benefit when their parents fail to present a united front, although in my experience it's usually the woman who sides with her kids against her husband.
2) I'm not advising you to just throw in the towel. From where you stand, it's possible to make a rational, informed decision to stay as well as to leave. There are arguments in favor of both, which is why I made points supporting both in my original response.
I see that you've been trying hard to make your marriage work, and I commend you for that. However based on your letter you've stuck with one strategy for 15 years, and it hasn't worked yet. Are you truly interested in new strategies? You make many hateful and sarcastic statements about your wife that suggest a lack of basic respect for her. That's a big problem, because without basic respect on both sides, no negotiation or marriage survival strategy will work. It's true that respect has to be a two-way street, however the alpha partner has to be the one taking the initiative to ensure that happens. If you don't have a sincere desire to do this, then any attempt you make to stabilize your marriage will be a waste of time because they will come across as manipulation. It could be that your sarcasm is simply an expression of pain; it's hard to tell through a letter.
I read somewhere that men marry women hoping they'll never change, and that women marry men hoping to change them. It's clear your wife is not the woman you married (or thought you married; people sometimes misrepresent themselves in order to get a spouse and kids). Just out of curiosity, are you still the same man you were when you walked down the aisle with your wife?
3) OK, even though that's one of the few things Nietzche said that's worth repeating, I don't think it applies here, otherwise you'd be signing up for another 15-16 years with your wife in order to become stronger still. (That's a joke, by the way).
If you could truly "do anything (you) want and be successful at it", then you have the power to rebuild your marriage in some form or another if that's what you choose to do. Or you have the power to go it alone. This means that you don't feel forced into one decision or the other, so that the decision you make will be based on what you want to do, rather than what you think you have to do.
For your daughters' sake, I hope that when you talk about the "buyer's market" you're referring to real estate and not prospective spouses. Making that kind of comment in front of a girl really reinforces the idea that they, as females, are also commodities of some sort.
Best regards,
(since you seem to prefer making your own luck, good or bad)
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