|
uneven hitching -- from the heathen end
Dear Spacefem,
I've spent some time trying to believe in Christianity, long enough to know that there's a popular and Biblically-based doctrine against being "unevenly hitched". So, when I meet fun, attractive Christians of a certain level of commitment, they may as well be lesbians or cousins or something... I can let myself love them to bits as friends, but for the most part I keep any thought of the romantic stuff out of the way. This has worked to keep things from getting messy for me and the occasional cute, committed Christian that wanders by. Essentially I've kept that doctrine by acknowledging it, even as I left a bunch of stuff I couldn't deal with behind.
I'm a 23-year old student, just to situate all this, and she's a bit older (25 or so) but also studying at the same university. We've grabbed food together, run around town with friends, done stuff in groups, kept each other honest while studying, all the rest, and she's sweet, articulate, cultured, cute, open-minded and considerate... and a committed Christian to boot. Fine, I think to myself... she's fun to be around and my (open) agnosticism doesn't seem to bother her (although we do debate the Big Issues in conversational tones), she definitely makes me feel good to share a species with her. So we hang out from time to time, chat, all that. Er, man, was I dense.
So now I have this three page e-mail printed out and read a few times, and it turns out my density has kept me from picking up on the fact that she's been thinking of me as relationship material since, well, something like July.
Fine, you might say, can't lump all Christians together, and *Rebecca doesn't seem to be in the yoke-sensitive camp. Well, you can get a lot of details into 23k of e-mail and she is in the yoke-sensitive camp and it's been eating away at her. Her Christian buddies are understandibly leery of the whole idea, and for me it kinda reorganizes everything... but she's thinking differently. I'd gotten pretty good at applying my yoking filter but she's sort of making it irrelevant... but I'd feel a little weird helping her dismantle a practice she still obviously respects to some extent. At the same time, she really is wonderful and this whole yoking thing sometimes feels like a medieval tradition whose time has come. Yarg, new and exciting dilemma... of the sort that's more fun to contemplate when it's hypothetical.
I can't honestly convert as it stands, and I won't dishonestly convert. She's not asking me to, which is to her credit.
So, I can freak out and run in circles, I can say she's wonderful but this is crazy, I can say I had no idea and ... yes!, or I can hop on the next plane to the French Foreign Legion recruiting centre and pretend this all never happened. Or I can do something more subtle I haven't thought of... you get the idea.
Advice, relevant questions or a good slap upside the head... I await your reply.
Yours spazzing out,
Dense Heathen
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Strangely, that "don't be unevenly hitched" was meant for the Christians, not the non-Christians. You are holding yourself to a directive that is not part of your own beliefs (agnostic.) It seems to me that it is of greater value to you that *Rebecca keep her Christian standards and beliefs than for you two to start a relationship. Or you could be just worried because she would expect more commitment from you than a non-Christian girl would.
Anyway since you have sorted it out, this is hypothetical. I would have said give it some more time so you can get a little more perspective.
]
Dear Dense Heathen,
For starters, I understand where you are coming from. It is very difficult to become involved with someone with different beliefs. It may seem uncomplicated now, but if things become serious, then it definately could complicate things.
The first thing you have to ask yourself is if it is worth it. Would you feel better persuing it, making some waves, and seeing where it goes, or are you the type who is content to sit back and wonder what might have been? If you don't like do wonder, then you're best bet is to go after it. See where it may go, see what you can do. Don't convert if that's what you don't want to do. Never change your belief system for someone else, but be sure to respect hers...which from your letter, it appears that you do. You seem to have a clear grasp on things. If you want to know where it'll go, take the plunge. The chance may never come by again.
If you're okay with what might have been, just explain to her that you care deeply for her, but you just can't make it work. Be gentle if that is what you decide to do. She's been pining over you for quite a while, and she might not take it well that you're afraid to try.
Follow your heart. It's the best guide you have.
~AlexiaJayn
]
More Questions:<<< Previous Question
| Next Question >>> help
|
|