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Who is in the wrong? Me or my husband?
My daughter is 14 and I’ve been married to my husband since she was three. He has always been there for her as a great stepdad. My daughter’s room is downstairs and even though she is 14 he still goes downstairs every night to sleep next to her after I fall asleep at 3:00am. Then comes back up every morning around 7am. I know nothing is going on and my daughter is completely comfortable around him, she says nothing but good things. I have talked to her and she insists that she is fine with him doing this. However, I am not fine with this because she is fourteen and doesn’t need a grown adult sleeping next to her every night. I told him how I felt and that he doesn’t need to do that anymore but all he says is “you can’t tell me what to do” “you are a control freak” and disregards how I feel. He then said “well I’ll go downstairs and sleep on the couch near her since you don’t want me in the bed”which makes no sense at all! He told me I am just trying to “control” where he sleeps and my daughter doesn’t have a problem with it so he isn’t stopping. He told me I am the only one who thinks something is wrong with it and that I am jealous! I could not believe it when he said that. What is wrong here?!!!! I wanted to punch him in the face when he said that. He always turns it around on me and makes me look like I crazy for thinking this way. I just want to scream! He claims he goes down there because she likes to talk until she falls asleep but at 3am in the morning you should be sleep not talking! She is fourteen for goodness sake how long will he be doing this? I just feel uncomfortable about the whole thing for some reason and at this point this whole situation makes me want to just leave this marriage. She isn’t five anymore. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Am I just overreacting?
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Your husband is gaslighting you with his response so it is best to just address it head on. I would try to take this back a step and tell your husband you feel it is inappropriate that he wants to sleep in the same bed as your 14 yo daughter even though you know nothing is going on. I would make it clear that you can in fact tell him that he can not do this not one day more. It ends immediately. I would explain that your daughter being ok with it does not justify him doing this as you do not want your daughter to believe that sleeping in the same bed as a grown man is appropriate. I would then go to your daughter and explain that you know her step dad is not doing anything and you believe her but want her to know that adult men do not sleep in the same bed as teenagers. Then move your stuff to your daughters room and sleep there. If he tries to make you sound crazy tell him you that he needs to leave. You are not crazy, this is wrong.
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Yup, I agree, a ton of red flags. Your daughter could easily be in fear that he will hurt or kill you if she does tell or her voice or face betrays what she really feels, and won't tell you what really is going on. I mean what? A grown man wanting to sleep, only sleep next to a young developing girl. Young females are easy for predators to control because they think they have to go along, whether its a bf or an adult. Did you ever think, that once his eyes are closed, he won't know where he is sleeping anyways. He may still have some feelings for you but I am guessing not, if he doesn't enjoy and look forward to just cuddling next to you in bed. You are not over reacting. The stuff he says to you is manipulating, trying to point the finger at you that you are the problem is something my ex did. He needed a counselor and went only to make me think he was going all the time, but he only went the first few times when I went along. Later heard him telling a friend he had me duped, that he does not go for counseling because theres nothing wrong with him, only me. And he would belittle me in front of friends and family. It got worse than that. His BS about you controlling him is just to make you doubt yourself and like me when in the middle of such a situation where you are being manipulated, disregarded, and likely lied to, you don't see how bad it is, and its hard to get a good perspective. Even if he hasn't touched her, a grown man wanting to sleep next to a teenager just sounds too much like a pervert, a man who is into children and teens for his sexual excitement. Something is seriously wrong in his brain if this is how he explains himself and his reasoning of being near her, just on a couch at night. Lady, your daughter needs you rooting for her and keeping her safe and it may already be too late. I went for counseling after leaving my ex and boy did I need it. You don't realize til later how much your mind has been messed with until you leave and get yourself counselling. I know you need that. NOt because you're crazy, you are the victim too but you are the adult and your daughter is not. It might be best to say you want a separation and for him to go to counseling with you. I can tell you right now that if he shared with a counselor everything he does and shares exactly word for word what he's said to you, that any counselor would be alarmed and realize he's got some real problems. They probably weren't as obvious when she was younger, but now that she's getting her adult body, its a thrill to him to lay next to her, if thats all, or convince her to have sex but never tell or you die. Both you and her are the victims here and he needs counseling asap. If nothing comes of the counselling, he doesn't change, or refuses to go, it may be time to make some really hard decisions like taking the next step after a separation, the divorce word. You might get the daughter in private and tell her that you know that a father figure never sleeping next to his wife and only the daughter is not normal. That men who do will prey on a young persons lack of experience and that they are not old enough for their pre frontal cortex of brain to be able to understand better and see things for what they are.(This is usually a mature brain by age 25 or more say scientists) Men like this will use the fear factor in a young woman. So if he has said he would hurt or kill me if you ever tell, let me know cus I won't let that happen. I will go to the police, get a restraining order to keep you safe and leave him, divorce because you are more important than a husband who no longer sleeps next to me. Even if she had not been touched, it is not normal and she shouldn't have to put up with it. Trust me, this is something you have to act on asap. Children watch their parents closely and learn what a really good or bad relationship is like. I wish I'd left my ex earlier. His deal was proving a weird mental prediction he'd made as a child, that every woman would always leave him so if a girlfriend did not leave, he'd treat her worse until she finally did. I was too loyal, not thinking for myself and going with our churches belief, "Trust God to heal your marriage". Then came the day, God finally got through to me and said, I gave everyone a free will, to do good or bad. Your husband has not kept any of his marriage vows, and I will not change him into a perfect man by force, like a robot who has no choice. So you are free to leave him. If you stay though, the stress will kill you either by cancer or heart attack. Heck I wanted to see my kids marry and become a grandma. So I left when the kids were out of the house. He had not verbally abused them, it was just adult women, to make his prediction come true. However, my kids were affected by simply seeing this unfold. One will not marry or bring kids into the world, another married someone with PTSD who had a terrible childhood, and I have no idea if I only see what he wants me to see and hides the bad stuff or not, the last one married someone as bad as their Dad or worse, a sociopath whose Father was a psychopath and confessed to family that he killed someone long ago. No way to know if its true but I have heard and seen what this marriage partner will do and its crazy stuff, and losing the oldest child when a teacher called child protection services and the child was taken away and given to the birth father, which this crazy person was not. You don't want your daughter thinking this is normal and allowing a future husband to seek out the bed of her own teen daughter. If its just wanting closeness to child in a relationship, thats worked on during daylight hours, not when its bedtime. Would he still be interested in doing this if it was a teenage son? I can't see any teen boy putting up with it if tried.
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There is a ton of red flags here and you have sensed that there are and know that something is wrong here no two ways. There certainly is a lot amiss. The fact that he is so defensive and dismissive of you indicates that there is something he may be hiding.
The thing is if your daughter is being abused she may not be someone who can or wants to turn against her father and expose it to anyone or divulge it because he's the abuser and may/may not have threatened her. When the abuser is someone you know it's harder for someone to come forward about what is happening and perhaps she can't make sense of it all or is afraid.
You really need to talk to her and let her know that she is not in any trouble and no matter if he is her father or not you need to know and have her tell 100% straight up if she's being abused sexually or not. I agree with Stephanie below who thinks there is a strong possibility of this.
No grown man regardless of being her father avoid his wife entirely and goes to sleep next to his 14 year-old daughter all night. It's just not normal and you have every right to draw attention to the fact that this is wrong.
The thing is why are you still with this guy? If he has no regard for you or your daughter and is acting in this manner or defending it you need to take her and get out of the situation. There's a lot that points to the fact that this guy is bad news whether he's abusing her or not. There's no respect, love or anything there. You need to find out the truth about what is going on and then find a way to get him out of the picture either way. You'll never be happy in your own home until you do.
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Whoa there ! He's been doing this since she was THREE? Why isn't he sleeping with you , by the way!
This is totally inappropriate behavior on his part regardless of his denial or hers. Do you really think there is "nothing going on"? Whether he is molesting her or not, and I have my suspicions, the situation is an intolerable one and just plain NOT OKAY ! What I don't understand is why you would have looked the other way for all these long years.
That you worry you are "just over reacting says volumes about the denial you, yourself, are in. This is NOT OKAY !!!
Even if "nothing were going on", its a sad commentary on what your marriage is ,with a guy who hasn't slept with you in...how long?
Honey, this needs to stop and NOw! To look the other way, to tolerate its continuing borders on aiding and abetting a molester, which I strongly suspect may be the case. And if not yet, soon!
Indeed, if someone else finds out, this is potentially reportable and could result in having your daughter placed out of your home.
Please come in out of the rain? Its time to take the bull by the horns and insist that either it stops immediately, or there will be an end to the marriage. I'm not sure what kind of marriage you have in any case, and whether its worth keeping.
Good luck, now go do what you need to do and protect your child!
~Dr. Stephanie
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