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I don’t know if I should confess my feelings for someone
I am a 16 year-old girl from Brazil and I need your help please. Basically, it all started in 2018: a new student arrived at my school and as we had a few classes in common we started talking. Even though we were never really friend we used to flirt with each other jokingly. But then, I caught feeling for him. Therefore, I told a friend we had in common that I liked him and I asked her to ask him if he would date me. He said no. Besides a couple days later, during a party, he asked one of my closest friend if she wanted to make out with him. Because of all this,I got extremely sad and decided I wanted to forget about him. But he would still talk and text me, even though he wouldn’t flirt anymore and it became hard to forget him (at this point I thought he knew I liked him but he didn’t want to loose our friendship). During vacation I stopped talking to him and we drifted away. When classes begun (already in 2019) I realized I wasn’t completely over him. During that year he almost dated two girls and I almost dated one guy (and while me and the other dude were talking I new I was completely over the first guy). But in the end of 2019, I noticed that guy1 was interested in me. But nothing happened between us, because I was too afraid: I thought he was using me as backup and that he never really liked me. In the beginning of this year (2020) I thought he still wanted something with me. But I started to ignore him and haven’t talked to him properly since last year (so I guess he just gave up but I don’t know). Now, he is talking to some other girl and I think they will start dating sooner or later. Therefore, I feel that I need to solve things between us before that happens. Also, as I decided to get over him for real now, I feel like I need to confess everything I felt during those years and just put an end in everything we ever had. I feel like I need to do that in order to feel good and get over it. My friends disagree. But I have already confessed old feelings for other guys and it helped to get over them. I feel like I need a confirmation, this time directly from him that he’s never felt the same way as me, even though it might hurt. But I still don’t know what to do. I’m worried about how he’s going to react. Can you please help me?
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Oh boy, I hope you see this in time to be warned to NOT share your feelings with him. Why? It puts the person on the spot and makes them uncomfortable. Lets try this in reverse and theres a guy you are Not interested in and one day he decides to get it all off his chest by telling you that he has feelings for you? How awkward would that make you feel since you don't feel any chemistry with him? Hmm, well lets say he's trying to sneak peeks at you at school and you catch him, now you feel strange and want some way to hide so you don't have to feel his eyes on you and your imagination might work overtime, imagining him saying and doing certain things all because he feels he loves you. No one likes the feeling of someone pining after them when you don't feel the same in return. So, long story short, Dont Tell Him!!
You are confusing any feelings you have still for really still into him. I can explain this too. You have a subconscious mind I will use SM for. The SM is always awake even when your conscious mind is asleep. The SM is where dreams come from, it regulates your blinking your eyes and taking your next breath. It is also wanting to please you and in that endeavor believes that what you think the most about means that it is something you want, even if what you are thinking about so much is something you fear. The SM watches movies with you and tho your conscious mind knows its a made up plot with actors, your SM sees it as real and gets carried away with emotions, crying if its a sad movie, or getting angry with adrenaline rising because its an unfair or terrible situation.
The way most 'feelings' come about are due to these emotions an SM will drum up. There is something that catches your eye about this guy, his looks, sound of his voice or laugh, sense of humor, manners, etc. Whatever it is has you thinking much about him. The SM sees this and since you are thinking a lot about him, it wants to please you by bringing about the two of you getting together. This is not based on reality because other than the few things you like, you still do not know much about him. You don't know all of his personality or characteristics. One way to discover a lot is to be friends and see what happens. As it happens in your case, a friend in talking to him gave you his answer that he is not interesting in dating. People do not date others they are not attracted to their looks. But it is just as important to be attracted to another persons personality. The only difference between being friends and being more than friends, is the romance felt on both sides besides the friendship.
If a person doesn't love who you are on the inside, a guy will leave you when you get wrinkles and grey hair or long before that to go for a younger woman. If a man is not invested in you inside as well as outside, then he's not for you. telling him anything will not make the thoughts go away.
So heres how to do it. Think of your SM as another person inside you...two in the same body. It has to get dragged around into situations it may not like because your conscious mind is the one in control of the steering wheel. It can and will listen to you and can be trained. It is smart but in many ways, too childlike in its thinking. So you have to speak to it, inside your head or out loud when alone Give it a name. Example: I recognize you as my Subconscious Mind and will name you Jenny until I know what name you'd like to be called. Yes, my own subconscious got upset when I first was asked her name and told my husband, I don't know and immediately inside my head, the thought came with a name. Anyways, just tell Jenny that although you felt something for lets call him Tom) Tom, he wasn't attracted to you in a romantic way and only likes you a little as a friend. That means you want Jenny to stop bringing up thoughts about him. YOu need to move on and can't if you're still thinking only about him.
Yes its unfair when one person feels the attraction and the other doesn't. Believe me, it happens more than you think. I've had guys who were attracted to me physically but I wanted the friendship part too because I wanted something that would last a long time. None of them wanted a de ep friendship as well and some were average looking but a couple looked like male models who just stepped out of a magazine. I knew I liked their looks but that was it. We couldn't connect on a friendship level and he knew that too and stopped calling and never explained. If a guy doesn't contact you ever again, he's not interested romantically. If he does keep in touch but not too often, he may be interested in maintaining just friendship.
The objective in your teen years is to discover what traits you like in a guy and what you don't or find detrimental to a relationship. If you value someone who is consistent in their good manners, a truth teller, no lies, loyal, unconditional love, patient, never raises voice to you or picks fights, etc...those are all important to jot down and keep a list of as you will use this list which will grow as you have more dating experience. Even if you never dated in HS, once out, its early enough and you are more mature and wiser so this list can still be written. I came up with mine at the end of a 30 yr marriage to an abusive man, verbal abuse. With my list, I was able to find the love of my life, a man who treats me like a Queen and loves me, even with the wrinkles, silver in the hair and missing eyebrows. I do have info on how to find Mr Right which you may ask for by writing to me from my column only. Go to Dragonflymagic on columnists. I explain more of this idea. And even though its a long time til you may marry if you do, its best to start now making this list and understanding things like a Must have, for you which if not present in the guy makes him a deal breaker, you don't date him. A list of wants is important too. Well, I hope this has gotten you curious enough to search for more truth on how this is handled. Your friends will not know any of this, younger women usually don't know much of this or make the connection in their minds, but I have a lifetime of experience and truly want to help. Remember, you don't need to confess to him to get rid of feelings. That actually does not work. But if you don't want to trust me, go ahead and do it and then you'll have to live with the Aftermath.
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Hi there. I want to start off with, I am so sorry you have to go through this. Now to the advice.
It's always best to be honest about your feelings, if it will help you move on then do it. It's not for his benefit, it's for your sanity. If you need this, just do it because it will allow you to find out how he truly felt during those years and lay all of the unknowns to rest. Moving on isn't as simple as deciding to, it's a process, you'll still feel things until one day you find that it doesn't hurt quite as much. From there it will get better, if it's meant to be it will be. You need to go through these things to grow and learn. You still have your whole life ahead of you to find someone, even if it doesn't seem like it now. If you're open to it, love will come to you.
Thank you for asking your question.
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If you don't intend to pursue a relationship with him then I see no reason to confess past feelings.
Do you want him to feel bad that he didn't feel the same all these years? People crush on each other all the time & nothing ever comes of it. Its just the way it is. If nothing ever becomes of it, then we just move on. Doesn't mean you can't remain friends if you feel like it.
If you still want to consider a relationship with the guy, then speak up. He can always say he isn't interested in that kind of relationship with you. If that's the case, then you move on. At least then you will know where you stand.
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