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Tips on going to a party when you only know the host?
So I got invited to this girls dinner party, the problem is I I only know her and she invited over 30 people. I’m very introverted and I don’t do well in social situations especially something as intimate as a dinner party so I was wondering if you had any tips on how I can survive this. I don’t want to sit beside her cause I’m pretty sure she probably has an idea of the seating arrangements. She even told me I could bring a friend but none of my friends want to go. I’ve been in social situations where I didn’t know anybody like my university orientation week but it is different than this because everyone there didn’t know each other so it was easier to socialize but this dinner party majority of the people knew each other from high school. Please help I’m 18 btw
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
First, I would like to congratulate you for wanting to go. Taking the plunge and going when you already know that you will only know one person is a big step. I am very introverted and if I only knew one person at a gathering, I can honestly say that I'm not sure I would be so willing to go so that is so completely awesome to me that you still want to go and are anticipating it being a good time. I aspire to be more like that as I get older.
I too had gone through college orientation, which was even a sleep over in the dorms the night of the orientation so that was a huge thing for me to do but it was mandatory. Anyway, at my college orientation is where I found my college roommate, it's pretty funny how that works out and we have been best friends ever since and it all just started with one random conversation at orientation - my telling her that I liked the dress she was wearing and it turned into us talking for so long about what major we were going into and what classes we were excited to take and then about the party that the campus was throwing for everyone that night and how introverted we both were and how we didn't want to go to the party at all so we decided to ditch and go get some food from sheetz instead, which is when we conversed about not having room mates yet.
So, that whole story being that I, being as completely introverted as I am, met my best friend just by giving her one small compliment. I really like this tactic and have since used it where I continued making friends throughout college, doing exactly that. I'm not saying it would always work but you said you're pretty sure that there will be assigned seats and you will be by someone that you don't know unless the hostess made sure that you were at her table with her. Even if she did do that, I'm sure she will be up mingling and doing other things so try the compliment tactic out. "Hi, I just really wanted to tell you that I love your dress!" or "wow, your hair is so pretty, my name is ___." Sometimes it could be a short thanks and that's it but when seated with someone for a longer period of time, people will tend to want to make conversation so there could easily be a compliment thrown back at you, then you could just take the ball and run with it "thank you, I really love your shoes" "oh, thank you! I got them at _____! Have you ever been there?"
I know inserting yourself into a group of people that already know each other and are already talking, could seem daunting so you could try to catch another person that is alone. Maybe there will be a place that you need to get up to get a drink or somewhere that everyone will put their coat so you can catch someone doing something like that and just mingle a little - "it's so pretty in here, ___ did a really good job planning this!"
Or honestly, I like to ask people questions in social situations. I know it sounds kind of silly but a question is a sure fire way of ensuring at least a few minutes of conversation. "How do you know the hostess?" "We had a class together. How do you know her?" I just like to make sure that I leave what I am saying as kind of open ended or vague so it leaves room for the other person to want to know more. My brother's girlfriend and I became good friends because of this tactic. They were not dating at the time but she would ask me about him and I distinctly remember telling her "Yeah, I remember the one time he ate dog food." I left it at that and she started cracking up and asked me to tell more because she simply was so curious after that so I proceeded to tell her that it was a dare and he was really young when it happened and that he almost threw up after it. So, try to make sure that what you are saying is exciting or wanting the person you are speaking to wanting more!
And just remember, have fun. You said it was easier socializing at orientation for a reason, find a common reason to make socializing at this event seem easy for you. The more you think about it and stress over it, the less fun it will end up being.
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I've got tips for you and I've used these myself since I started with social anxiety and being introverted. I now have no social anxiety and am closer to extroverted. I've gotten very good at talking to strangers. In most random situations, such as waiting in line at Starbucks or at grocery check out, I am always saying something to someone I don't know. I continue to do so to keep the skills sharp. I do not introduce myself.
At a dinner party where everyone knows the hostess, I would start off with introducing myself. You may not be the only one who doesn't know everyone else. But either way, always put some of the truth into what you say to start with introductions. Don't wait til you are seated. While mingling at first, walk up to a person or group of people. If you find it hard to break in to introduce yourself, then try where theres just one person or a two people talking. Walk up and wait to break in, if they don't stop to at least look at you, place a hand on the upper arm of one person. This is a silent way to let a person know you would like their attention. THis is taught for parents to teach their children and is called the 'interrupt rule'. It works marvelously with any people. I taught it to my kids from a parenting class and began to use it myself. I'll give an example shortly.
When a persons arm is touched, they will usually finish their thought or sentence but also want to know who is wanting to talk to them and will turn to you. This is where you share the same thing with each person there to make it easy for you. Just remember to say. Hi, I only know the hostess here and would like to remedy that. My name is ____ and what's your name? When given their name, make a comment like "Great, know I know two people here!" Be enthusiastic in tone or at least smile.
A smile and compliments go a long ways to making other people naturally want to introduce themselves. A smile means you are approachable and friendly. A compliment can lead to conversations.
Don't worry about speaking first to people you don't know. About 80 to 90 percent of people have personalities that are very friendly but not many will speak to others they don't know first. I always have to be first. However, as I said most people are friendly and will respond and continue to talk and open up once spoken to first.
So besides introducing yourself, what to say first? Compliment. People even like compliments from someone they don't know. Make it genuine though. Find something about each person you can truly compliment them on. Lets say you find a certain haircut very flattering on one of the girls and you walk up to her and say, "I couldn't help noticing your hairstyle. Its so flattering on you. " She will thank you and may make a comment about it herself. If she doesn't, think of another comment related to hair such as you've never worn your hair that way because..... or ask if she's always worn her hair that way or where she gets her hair cut,, no matter that you don't plan to go there. Or you can always say, 'it must be easy to take care of' if shorter. Both my husband and I do this with people and have never had a stranger look at us oddly or not reply in some way.
As mentioned, a good way to go about this maybe after introducing yourself to a group of people is simply to stand and listen to what they are discussing. Look for a topic or comment you can make. If they are discussing lets say an experience they all have gone through but you haven't, but you know of someone who did and what it was like for them, you can always say, I have something related to that. NOt that it happened to me but someone I know. (without mentioning names they can connect possibly to people later if they meet, it is okay to share and not gossip) Then tell the story. I have been places where everyone was talking about stuff I did not have any clue about or it was boring to me but I politely smiled and still stood there waiting for a break in the conversation. Plan ahead while waiting what question you will ask to bait them all into turning to another subject matter. It doesn't have to be something you need to know but I will make something up sometimes to see if I can turn a conversation to another subject matter. Make it sound like you're asking for advice, Like, 'hey, to change the topic, I really like Thai food. Can anyone recommend good places to go for that around here? Even if you truly do like the type of food you mentioned and have favorite places and don't need this advice, if you couldn't think of anything else to ask, you get the topic changed to food. You could ask again after anyones shared whether anyone knows any good recipes to make some of the ethnic foods themselves. Or mention the restaurant you like to anyone who seemed to share a fondness for that type of food and ask if they've been there. Any little thing that pertains to you and your experience at a restaurant is okay to share. For example I do like Thai and one place I went to so often and usually ordered one of two things that the servers recognized me on sight and would ask which of the two dishes I wanted that day. Another place was empty the day my husband and I went and the wife cooked and the husband was the server (a small place) So I sometimes tell people it was fun to have the owner pull up a chair and talk to us about the plum saki they had when my husband asked for plum wine. He brought out samples for us to try to see if we liked. My husband makes mead and told the guy about it. Thats what got him to sit down for a few minutes to chat with us and he said he would love to try our mead next time we came back. We made sure to do that. Now that I have given others a topic to grasp at, making your own spirits, or what is Mead if they don't know, it leads to more conversation.
Do the same and really listen to what others are saying because you can use a word or phrase they mentioned to switch the topic and share something.
Lets practice. I'll give you a sentence and you try to come up with side tracking conversations from a phrase or word that you can latch on to and use. And you start with saying "going back to what you said about ..... " and then share.
"He met his mother in law for the first time at his wedding to her daughter. And the colors of the bridesmaids dresses were so unflattering. But what I wanted to say is that he noticed some guy always hanging by the mothers side and he assumed it was just a cousin or family member. Imagine his surprise when he learned that the younger guy was actually his mother in laws boyfriend. She looked like she was enjoying being the cougar."
Now there are a few tangents you can take off that to talk about something as long as you have something to share. Even if you don't have anything to share, try to list the topics that could be latched on to from what was just said. Then scroll down and read my examples.
The topic of:
Weddings in general
Meeting ones in laws for the first time if its a funny or equally interesting story
Unflattering bridesmaid dresses you have seen
Best colors for skin types and how likely the color chosen wasn't flattering for most the skin types.
Assumptions you've made in the past where you were shocked to learn the truth later
Younger guys with older females,
Women who enjoy being a cougar, what type of woman would it take to easily do the part
Why would an older woman want a younger man
I just came up with 8 possibilities to say something related to what another person just said. Likely others will comment on what they said and might change the subject doing the same thing, picking up on a word or phrase. All you have to do is the sentence I gave, "Getting back to what you first said about.....and pharaphrase what she said that you want to use to talk about." Of course this takes practice.
Again, do not be afraid to talk to people and start first. I have studied personality types and the major of people actually do fit into being social, not hermit types. Its so rare that I try to talk to someone who doesnt want to talk. See, people who are loners, don't like big groups or social settings or meeting new people are not going to torture themselves by placing themselves in a social setting. These would be people who are not suffering social anxieties but simply are loners and not a people person. Its so seldom I run into someone like this, I can't remember the last time it ever happened that I talked to someone who wanted to be left alone. Hope this helps you. If you belive its less being introverted which is personality type and more like social anxiety you suffer from, then let me know and I'll give you the complete tips I went through to be healed of my social anxiety. You can reach me by going to my column and writing to me from there.
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From one introvert to another I can tell you that I have been in that situation and it is not
as bad as you think. You don't have to be a social outcast just because your introverted. It just means you have to work a bit harder to be social.
The first part of being social is being a good listener. You walk up to a group of people or the host or hostess introduces you to a group of people and you listen to the conversation. Even if you didn't go to school with them and they are talking about something that they experienced at school.
The second part happens when: They may say some thing to the effect, "Anne what do you think?" "Your answer starts with, well I didn't attend your school but we had a similar situation. That's how a discussion starts.
Maybe they are talking about something else and you have something to add to the conversation then you say, are you aware of this, or I had something very similar, and go on from their.
I am prove positive you can overcome being introverted it just takes an effort on your part. For you see as an introverted person I had the worst job in the world; I was a Representative for a major manufacturer of products to the wholesale construction market. At first I had to work hard to over come being shy it got easier as I became more comfortable with what I was doing. When I retired I retired as one of the top 5 Representatives in the company for many rears.
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