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Fiancé has his mother on his checking account
My fiancé asked me to marry him 2 yrs ago & we were planning to marry this September but I'm having doubts about it because we live together & his bank stmts have his mothers name on the acct with him! I've been divorced 24 yrs & he & I have been a couple for 7 yrs. The house he refers to as ours is in only his name on the deed & we filed a joint tax return last yr together. If something happens to him, His mother benefits. He also has a safe that I don't have access to either. I live 600 miles from my family but I'm in the same town as his mother, (he is an only child) 41 yrs old! We already have a trip planned to Hawaii but my feelings for him have changed. I told him that it would be him & me not him, his mother & me. He didn't say a word. Am I wrong for feeling this way?
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You are not wrong or over-reacting.
Although I will add this: I didn't remove my father from my checking account until I got engaged. Despite living with my partner for 5+ years, it honestly just had never been a problem and hadn't occurred to me. My father had been on my main checking account since I opened the account at age 8, and it just never occurred to me to change that.
I had my sister listed to receive everything I owned until I got engaged. The only reason it even occurred to me to change these things, was because my own father reminded me to update them.
You don't mention if you've ever spoken to your fiance about this before, but I'd suggest if you haven't, take a deep breath and do so. It does sound as though there is more going on here with his mother than just his banking information. You might want to have those conversations with a therapist. Pre-marital counseling is never a bad idea.
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You are not wrong or over reacting.
In 7 years time, you've had a good chance to see in depth where he stands as far as how important you are to him and where you stand in importance with reference to his mother.
I will share something that I heard a male explain on line in dating advice for women regarding how men think and what is reasonable to expect or not. He did say that men are able to juggle many priorities in their life but that a girlfriend should be one of top three priorities. A wife should be number one.
There's one of the red flags Adviceman mentioned. It does not take long to know if someone is right to marry unless you see them once a month. You folks are living together so I know that's not the issue. He had been with you for 5 years before ready to commit. Did he have to talk himself into it even though he deep inside doesn't feel ready or did he have to talk his mother into it?
Even if he has dated or was married in the past, what counts right now is your status with him. You
have been Engaged for the 2 years!! In that time is when couples talk about and discuss all legal things that need to be taken care as well as plans for the wedding itself. If he has not yet discussed any such things with you, he most likely is putting it off because he knows you won't agree, especially if his mother wants to have control of all his legal matters rather than you. Won't it be a nice surprise to discover after the honeymoon? I don't know how the two of you have discussions but conversation implies that more than one person is talking. If you brought up that you wanted to marry to be just with him, not with his mother in the midst of everything and he said nothing in return, then he is still avoiding subject for a reason. (Another red flag)
He is 41 and no longer should be needing his Moms advice or for her to be running his financial life...or more...I don't know. You are there. How much does she do for him. Is she choosing and buying all his clothes, does she remind him to get car oil checked and set up any such appointments for him? How much the adult is he. Is he is acting fully as an adult, then the question focuses on her, is she meddling in his life? (another red flag) If you can say she is, then is he allowing it or is he telling her its his own life to live according to how he sees fit and does not jump to fulfill all she tells him or wishes him to do.
You may have left out important details that might change my answer but based on just what I have here, I am very concerned that he is not a good choice. Your feelings you say have changed. Only you can know if it's a temporary change due to his not answering you or if this has been coming for some time, building up and his non answer was the final straw. Try to pin him down to have a deep thorough discussion of everything you have issues with. There must be some changes in place already before the wedding date because I wouldn't count on these financial changes made after the marriage. He will put it off and not want to talk about it if he is avoiding you on talking about it. So if you need peace of mind to know whether to stay with him or cut it off now, then try to engage him in discussion about things that the two of you as a couple should already be able to do. Its already like you've been married for 7 years. If in that time there's been no show of the two of you working cohesively together on everything, then it's not going to magically happen after a wedding ceremony.
I am with Adviceman, this guy doesnt sound like a good choice.
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Your not wrong for many different reasons. First and foremost you are about to take a trip if something were to happen to him you cannot at this time speak for him if he is unable to speak for himself. IF he has a living will and only his mother is designated to speak for him there could be very serious problems. For instance if he were to have a stroke. There is a medication that must be administered with in 3 hours to reverse the stroke. There is a 3 hour time difference between Hawaii and the West Coast, six hours to the east Coast.
Then there are other problems that could arise if only his mother is on his legal documents. The fact that you two have filed joint taxes does not give you any legal significances in his life.
You have at this time no legal status in his life. Should you marry you would become his next of kin and have a limited status but unless you are on his financials you would not have status there. The same would be true with any will he has. IF he has no will that would be better for you as then you are next of kin an everything of
his becomes yours.
You don't say if he was married once before or if this is a first marriage for him. The reason I say this is for some one to reach what I assume is his age and attached to his mother as he is sends up some red flags.
My son is marrying for the first time at age 40, there are extenuating reasons for this. The first time he was engaged the woman he was engaged to hurt him badly leaving him with commitment problems. Secondly he is a firefighter. Firefighters and Police officers have a hard time finding someone that can live with the fact their husband may not come home at end of watch. My future daughter in-law admitted she was reluctant to get involved with a firefighter. Once she met him she fell in love and decided she would take what ever time the good lord would give her.
Until they became engaged my wife and were very much involved in his legal affairs. Once my future daughter in-law made the commitment and moved in with him. I told my son he needed to start changing his legal affairs to benefit his future wife. I really didn't need to tell him as he had already started. I remain on one of his savings account strictly for emergency purposes so I can access funds for them if need be.
I have take the long way around to both tell you and show you that I agree that at this time this is not a match made in heaven. Seven years is a long time to be together and you did not say you have a wedding date set. It sounds to me as if he is tied to tightly to his mother to ever be much of a husband to you. It doesn't appear that he is ready to make the commitment most men make as soon as they meet the women they wish to spend a lifetime with.
Marriage is a 50/50 proposition. Where is his 50 percent and will he ever contribute his half. These are the questions you need answers to. Without them I don't think you should stay much longer.
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