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Tips on how to be more outgoing?
So I was at a small get together a couple days ago with like 4 other people, there was one acquaintance there that I noticed was super outgoing, she could start a convo with anybody about anything and never had awkward silences and pauses. Meanwhile when she talked to me, (having social anxiety/socially awkward) I would try so hard to carry the convo but I ended up having the awkward silences, they're not awkward for me cause I'm used to them but for the other person they prob are. I didn't really talk much at the gathering because I didn't really know the people except for the host and the acquaintance, but either way even if I know the person I'm still really quiet and I hate it. I want to be outgoing so bad but I'm not, thanks in advance if you've read this far and answer.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
That's the thing some people are naturally introverted while others are extroverted. That's okay. The problem is you are striving too hard to become what you are not and cannot. You have to be you and that's what will get you friends and make you do well in conversations. Who knows what anyone is thinking at any moment. Odds are they aren't thinking badly of you when you speak but rather thinking and hoping they come across right to you.
If there is a gap in conversation with someone new or even long time friend explain briefly that you have an anxiety disorder and talking to new people isn't easy. They will understand and want to help you more often than not.
I think the best thing to do is work with a therapist, teacher or counselor on how to have better conversations and social skills and work around the disorder. You should also join student council and take drama or improv lessons because you are required to work with people who are all different from you and how to work together and converse to achieve a common goal.
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Befor I start, this will be long but I have a lot to share in trying to help you. I had social anxiety when a child thru my teens. But then I got sick of being that way and wanting to do anything that would help me overcome it. I have a saved document of the steps I had to take to overcome it. This was at a time where a Psychologist who wrote about how to handle anxieties had not yet written a book of how. But I read that book a couple years ago and saw it was the same as the steps I followed that cured me. So I will post what worked for me. If you have any questions after or times it doesn't work for you, I am willing to help, not as a psychologist but a person who overcame the same issues. Not knowing which is more your issue 1 fear of talking to people period or 2 not knowing what to say , I will post both informationals in order starting here:
It took until I was about 17 before I decided I was sick and tired of being so shy. I didn't have the guts to just switch behavior and start talking. Strange how I never thought to talk to my dad about that and get help from him. So I prayed and asked God for help (He knows each of us better than anyone )
and here's the answers I got. It sure helped me and I know it will help you. You can skip any steps you already have mastered.
None of this involves using people you already know because you already have some comfort level there For this exercise, you will have to drop the teaching, “Never talk to strangers”. Just use common sense and talk to people in public places where other people are around and don't go off alone with anyone. So here's your lesson.
1. Smile at strangers every day as you come across them. When you are comfortable with this, move on to step 2
2. Smile and add saying hello to people you don't know. This is already harder because your mind will be going, "They're gonna think I'm nuts cus I am saying hi and they dont even know me." When you can do this without feeling awkward or shy, move to step 3
3. Smile and say hi to and then pay a compliment to another person you don't know. It could be telling the grocery clerk you love her necklace. Keep paying compliments to people until you can do so without being fearful of their reaction or simply the act of doing it.
4. Smile, say Hi, and start a conversation with a stranger. Here's an example. When I'd be at a clothing rack and another woman was there...no matter her age, I would make a comment to her about the clothing. I'd pull something off the rack and ask what she thinks of it for me.
Keep trying statements with a question to get responses from a person. If they don't open up and start responding and sharing some of their story or thoughts then they are part of the 10 % of people who are hermit like and don't like being around people or talking to them. I took a class that taught about personality types and discovered that 90% of people are very friendly but will not start conversation first. If you can learn to start conversation first, in every situation, you will find that the majority of people respond in a very friendly and supportive way. They won't find the fact that you start talking too weird. Once they figure you're a naturally friendly person you will see them willingly respond back and share bits and pieces of information and such.
I was trying to pick ripe but not over ripe melon one time when an older woman was tapping and listening to the melons. I asked what she was doing and she explained that there is a certain sound it makes so I learned something. Later we bump into each other in another aisle, and I say, "Well Hello again!" Her response, "Hello again. Do you use coupons?" "Sometimes." "Do you buy this product," she shows me something in her cart, "Yes I do." "Well I happen to have a coupon for a great deal on it if you'd like," and without waiting for my response reaches into pocket and hands it to me. You'd be amazed at the conversation you could have with people and be able to share helpful info with them or vice versa. And sometimes in the conversing you may find people who you have some things in common with and you decide to keep in touch with and exchange cell numbers and /or get their name for facebook friending. Once you are comfortable with talking to one person, then its a small matter to talk to groups of people.
This should help you.
In case, your issue is not about fear of talking to people but how to start conversations, then read on for how to do that.
How to Make Conversation
The things I will mention are not for doing with those you already know and are comfortable with but to be learned by practicing with strangers, those you don't know like the clerk at check out, someone on same elevator as you, any where in public, friends of your friends. Before you start, I want you to know that I once took a seminar on personality types which covered 4 basic types, rather than the current Myers-Briggs split up into 16 different types. And those 16 spring from the basic 4 so though the older version isn't easy to find, its much simpler to study and here is a link:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
This I feel is important for you to know going in because it will show that the majority of people out there are very friendly types if spoken to first.
In my class, the teacher gave the basics of traits, a detailed list of each of the four. You had a paper with 4 squares to represent the types and the traits that were true for you would always fall stronger into 1 or 2 types. He then assigned corners of the room to each type and asked you to go sit there and try to talk with the others. I ended up being the supporter type. I thought it would be an equal split of the 4. But no, Promoters/cheerleaders, and the supporters were huge groups of people while the leaders and analysts had probably a handful or less each. Its the same in real life. Most the people you will be talking to are the friendly, accepting and encouraging types who do want to hear what you have to say, its part of their personality type. The other 2 are loners who may be anti social, very private or just don't enjoy meeting people or don't like talking as much as the other groups.
Since fear of people reactions to you are what is holding you back, if you realize that the majority of people you speak to, even strangers are going to light up and smile and seem to enjoy speaking with you, there's nothing then to hold you back. It is very seldom I ever talk to a stranger who is short with replies, doesn't smile and tries to looks away or walk away. Don't let it bother you, that is just their personality type and it's not you.
Prep work done, the rest is easy.
Start with practicing complimenting people. Be sure it is genuine. So every time you see jewelry, hair, outfit, shoes you like on someone, compliment her. Some get squeamish about trying to compliment guys you don't know but males love to receive compliments too. A good compliment is true for you is that you like the scent of the cologne he is wearing and ask the name so you can get it for your boyfriend. Mentioning a bf, lets them know you aren't hitting on them. Males naturally all want to feel appreciated and needed so compliments to your bf could be “I like the way you think” or “I really appreciate how you are so willing to help with anything and so caring not just with me but anyone.” It shows him you noticed his efforts, even something small like in a group when a question is directed at both of you he turns and says, “Go ahead, you answer first.” He is thinking of you instead of trying to get attention drawn to himself and that shows how much he really cares. When you really look for it, there are lots of things you can compliment guys on.
Do you have to introduce yourself before you start talking to someone who doesn't know you? NO. However if they ask your name, no reason not to give it.
Most people are never going to have the chance of running into you a second time ever unless you have a favorite haunt that a certain person always seems to go to. I go to Starbucks a lot and so the workers at the few I go to are some I have had friendly short convo's with. Some have names I don't dare try to pronounce so I might ask how they pronounce their names. Greeting someone you see regularly by name even if you are not friends, will help them have a better enjoyable day. Sometimes I compliment them. Lets say of all the shifts there are 15 people, at the Starbucks. As busy as they are they can't take time to talk much but about 4 will actually take time to take with me when their break time occurs. One sat with me during her break. Another told me that she was leaving soon and going back to school full time and just wanted me to know this before she suddenly disappeared. I love have friendly acquaintances like this. As much as you enjoy talking to people, I have a feeling you will rack up a lot of friendly acquaintances real fast.
Another way to get used to starting conversations is to ask questions or ask for help. Here's a good example. When I was younger and didn't yet know much about choosing the best produce at grocery, I found myself trying to pick out a cantaloupe and watermelon at the same time another older woman was at the same display. She was tapping the melons and listening to them. So I asked what she was doing.
(If you glance their way and they don't sense you looking at them and look at you, then get their attention by just saying, “Excuse me!” ) For example, the lady said she was listening for a certain sound to know the watermelons were ripe. So I asked again what it would sound like. She picked one that was ripe and one that wasn't as good and tapped them as she held them up to my ear to listen and I heard the difference. I learned something helpful that day, simply by talking with a stranger. She saw me later in another aisle and smiling says, Hello again. Do you buy this product? (she pointed) I said yes and she said she had an extra coupon to save on that and proceeded to hand it to me. Most people don't mind answering questions or being helpful. So be brave and do it. Only once was it awkward when we turned a bend in a road while exploring somewhere on the weekend. There before us was a car parked with a Chinese woman standing in the middle of the road waving us down. This area didn't have much traffic and we were the first people she saw. I thought perhaps they had car trouble but when I rolled down my window, She halting said the only English she could speak, You speak Chinese? I said no. Next she asked you speak Spanish? Again I had to say no. I was surprised when next she asked, you speak German? I do, but not well, but said Yes. A little and did the motion with fingers to show 'a little'. She was looking for a turn off to a Ferry and had just missed it. So I knew all the words but the word for 'Sign' and told her she had to go back a little. She would turn right at first sign and for sign I shrugged my shoulders and drew a rectangle in the air. But she understood. So whether someone asks you or you ask them, rarely will it ever be awkward.
The only times it is awkward to talk to others is in grade school, middle and HS when all the other students are not mature and grown up yet and have no idea how to act and treat others. Many just follow the example of the few who are leaders but doing wrong and laugh at tease, bully, or whatever. That is behind you now. From this point on, you will be dealing with people who are much more mature since they are out of HS, college age, and older. So if you've had bad experience in the past, don't let that hold you back now. This is another important thing I learned when I was 20 or so.
Now, on to tricks to keep conversation going. It helps to really remember what others are saying because you can base the next thing you say on something they said that brought a memory back to you. Lets say a friend is telling you about all the stuff they did last weekend and it included going to a you-pick Blackberry farm. If you have any experience going to any you pick farms, you can tell them about that, you could ask where it was located and how much it cost, or I would be focusing on the word Blackberry and share a story from older childhood when too young to baby sit but wanting to earn money, I'd go to pick coffee can's full of Blackberries that grew along the abandoned railroad tracks and how I'd go door to door asking if they wanted to buy a can full for a dollar. Yep, that was long ago but a dollar was a good reward and would buy a lot more back then. Even if you don't personally have a story but have read a story related to, share it, or maybe it the experience of someone else who once told you and you don't share any name but just tell their story anonymously. I still after years and years use this way to keep conversations going. If you are asking friends something, and don't want the conversation to end after they answer your question, remember there are open ended as well as closed ended questions. Here's an example:
Did you have a good weekend? They will answer yes or no. Many stop right there and won't go on to elaborate what they did unless you ask. You can ask them though.
A better way to ask is 'So, what did you do this weekend?' Notice that question can not be answered with a yes or no. You want to choose carefully how to ask them something because if they have yes or no answers, there is no information you can glean from that to base your next story on. But if they describe their weekend, you have a better chance of finding a word or a subject from it to use as a spring-board for the next thing you speak about.
This is all that I do, there is nothing else and I have found I don't need any other tricks to start or keep a conversation going. Pay attention to how many times you answer someones question and the next thing they talk about is based on a word or subject in your answer. Its quite natural and does not come across as contrived or awkward. Here's an example of using something a person said to make a joke/be funny.
I once worked in fast food and it was slow at the moment and somebody was complaining about the cost of their apt rent being so expensive. That got a guy to mention he used to have to pay big bucks for a tiny studio. He wanted to feel like he had a 2nd room in there and his closet was huge so he put his bed in there to have the feel of a bedroom. I thought that was funny, and while someone else made a comment, my mind was whirling to see if I could say something related to what he said. Bed and closet stood out so I made a joke and said, So if a friend called and asked if you were up yet, you could actually answer with, 'I haven't come out of the closet yet.' Which would be true but that is a term gay people use for whether they have shared their sexual orientation yet with family and friends or not. All of them got it and they were laughing hard. I did this on purpose because people need more to smile or laugh about. Hope this helps.
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Social anxiety is something that can be helped rather than be suffered with. Have you thought of talking with a therapist, a psychologist about your problem. If you have not I suggest you do. If you have health insurance it may be covered under your insurance. Social anxiety has a cause; once the cause is found through talk therapy you can be shown how to deal with it.
On to your question. I have suggested a number of different way to join in conversations. When you are the odd person out at a gathering; meaning you don't know anyone other than the person who brought you. It is not unusual to have a problem holding a conversation. In any other situation you should be able to hold a conversation.
The best way to start is to find groups or organizations of interest to you that you are knowledgeable about. Attend meetings of these groups and listen to conversations. Your knowledge of the purpose of the group what they do or their interest should help you join the conversation as you are sure footed in what to say. Not only can you hold up your end of the conversation but you should make some new friends as well.
My father had a problem with a form of social anxiety, he felt awkward speaking in public. Then he took a job that required him to do just that in front of Bankers and others of that type. To his recue was a Dale Carnage public speaking course. After that course we couldn't shut him up. Something to look into.
What I suggest you do first is to talk with a therapist about the social anxiety. Correct this and the other things will self correct.
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