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How to tell my mom/boss I found another job?
I've been working under my mom for a year now (in a different office) as I'm in college and it's hard to find jobs that will work with my class schedule. The job pays decently and it's with a bigger company (my mom just works there) so it looks good on my resume.
My main issues with the job are that they send paychecks a week late sometimes when they can't cut the check by Friday and that's left me in a bad position before with bills, and that my mom can be unreasonable at times and will call me on her personal phone to scream at and insult me when she thinks I've done something wrong.
This usually isn't an actual error, but a miscommunication. For example the most recent time she sent me something that said it was due on the following Monday on a Wednesday and then the next day she called me screaming at the top of her lungs about how much of an idiot I was and how I have no work ethic and I screwed her over by not getting it in overnight. She even hung up on me when I tried to explain to her why I didn't do it immediately. Whenever I try to reason with her she screams for me to shut up and tells me I'm just fighting with her.
Obviously this strains my relationship with her to the point I don't want to speak to her AT ALL. I had plans originally to visit her for mother's day and had already bought her gift, but now I don't want any kind of communication with her.
Anyways, I refuse to take this kind of abuse so I found another job that makes more money. I don't know how stable this new job is, but so far it's been working out pretty well.
I actually plan to find another job too so I can have a back up (this one is PT).
There's really no reason for me to work for her anymore, but I know if I tell her that I found something else she's going to blow up and call me ungrateful and tell everybody in my family how horrible she thinks I am for quitting working for her.
Help what do I do?
I've tried to tell her before I can't deal with her screaming at me and she blames me and says it's my fault that she has to scream or else I don't listen.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
It sound like you already know what you need to do. You just need us to confirm.
Turn in your two week notice and be polite about it.
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Your Mom is actually being verbally abuse. If an abuser is unwilling to see that they have a problem and be willing to go for treatment, abuse is one of the reasons couples get divorced. A divorce can't change your past, but it can change your future. (I know about this subject from living almost 30 yrs with a verbally abusive husband before I left him.) I use the analogy of that situation to compare to yours. Mom is family, like the abusive husband.
My ex would yell at me, tear me down in front of others. A level headed mature person if having a griveance would discuss it in private, but fairly. No accusing or raising of voice.) This is what your Mother is doing.
The ex would accuse and point the finger at me in front of others. This is a tactic some mentally ill people will do because instinctively, and subconsciously, they realize that something is not quite right with them. But wanting to be superior/better than anyone else, or not wanting you to look too cloeely at them and see a flaw in them, this is a precautionary move to distract others from investigating him, and looking at you instead. I know this piece because at the end of marriage when a friend convinced the ex to go for help, the Dr. spoke to me and explained that when I asked in a private chat.
Lastly, the comparison I want you to get, is how a woman will leave her abuser and get a divorce. So what if its not a husband but a Mom? I believe the only thing that might get through to her after she has calmed down with the makes you make, only then is there a chance that she will be willing to listen to you and promise to honor your boundaries. In a divorce, the two no longer associate together in most circumstances. They don't see each other in person and they don't call all the time, even if they split under amiable terms.
I think you may have to set in plan a decision for her to make to either remain in your life at this point in time, or she can decide not to honor your boundaries and by that having in effect chosen to live with the consequence of having no contact with you. So there must be ultimatums given and also the willingness on yout part to follow through on them.
So I wouldn't tell your Mother why I quit. Go to your HR dept. and you might also let them know to not tell your Mother as you want to have that news to share. I assume by how you wrote that you dont live with Mom and that is good. However if you do, this won't work well or at all if you are still living in the house.
So the next time your Mom yells at you for anything at all. Talk firmly, loudly but slowly and talk over her if she won't allow you to talk. You tell her that you've been an adult for some time now and so it is high time you took control over your life and make any needed changes with your best interests in mind. Let her know you hate to have to give her an ultimatum but since she hasn't honored your past wishes that she stop treating you like (and describe in detail what you don't like) you are giving her one last chance. the deal is that she treat you with respect and not yell or accuse. She may air grievances in a subdued voice but thats all. If you deem the words she is speaking to be hateful, downgrading, or humiliating, that you will be forced to change your phone number so she can no longer call you and you will no longer meet with her anywhere in person. If she has a key to your place, get it back or change the locks. These are the same things a woman has to do so a stalker can't find her, change phone, change locks, maybe switch to a place with security to get in building. If she can treat you as you have just stated, then you will remain in her life. Let her know that this isn't final as she is still your Mom. So she will have access only to sending you emails. And the specific one you need to see is her apologizing for the past and asking you to give her another chance to treat you better and improve herself as a person. Or something like the above in your own words to her. Then you can arrange to meet and give her a chance to speak some nice time, somewhere in public where you can have witnesses in case she gets nasty and tries to harm you out of anger at not liking the fact you had the balls to put your ultimatum into effect. If Mom screws up again, then your next ultimatum is the same as before with the only difference being that the next email you get better be with contact info for her Counselor or her counselor contacting you so you can meet in their office, don't allow a situation where she can make a friend lie and pose and her counselor. You want a bonafide counselor working with your Mom and you would like to able to ask if he could do some Mother Daughter relationship counseling. The Dr. can't share her personal info with you unless you are seeing the Dr too along with your Mom, as a unit. If she needs a reminder and can't remember what you required regarding a counselor and writes about that, give her the ultimatum again. If she knows that she can't ever see you again unless she now goes for counseling, she may stubbornly resist the rest of her life, or she may turn around and pull into line with her behavior. Its a terrible thing for adult children to have to resort to these measures but instinctively, an abusive parent knows this, and will try to play with your emotions making you begin to feel guilty as if you as the one at fault. To get you to weaken and not follow through on any threats because you feel that this is not a way to honor ones parent. Caving in would be an act that is enabling her to continue to remain stuck where she is, because there is no rules or structure for her to follow, nothing to compell her to take you Seriously and decide to honor your wishes or not. If you have no success being able to get your message to her in person, then resort to mailing her your ultimatums.
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I may have gotten this wrong but it sounds like you don't work for mom but work under with her somewhat. If I am correct you really do not need to notify her you are quitting. You do need to inform the company you are quitting and you do that by informing your immediate supervisor in writing giving two weeks notice.
When mom comes unglued you simply tell her you found a better paying position with a company that gets paychecks out on time. I don't what state you live in but you may want to talk with the state wages and hours division. Many states require a company to pay a penalty when checks are late. If you company is one of them your employer could owe you some serious money.
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